March 2009 Archives - mocha beanie mummy

Strike a Pose!

March 28, 2009 By mocha beanie mummy Leave a Comment

I can’t believe I forgot to post these, but I just wanted to showcase some more of the fantastic work from Darren, Anthony and co at Your Big Day.

Filed Under: pictures

Answers

March 27, 2009 By mocha beanie mummy Leave a Comment

Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 36+3 days
Month: 9
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 35 weeks
Time to Go: 25 days. Heh.
Size: Big enough to make regular people crap themselves.
Time til ANOTHER Growth Scan: 6 days

Ok, so I understand there are a few questions and situations that remain unanswered. And so, here are the results.

House viewings: Not interested at this stage. I didn’t understand when the feedback was that the property was just too small. Which begs the question, why, having read the details on the web/brochure, did you come and view it, and also go round commenting on how huge the rooms were? Or…maybe you’re a member of the Dumbass League? Awesome.

Noah: He doesn’t have an ear infection (even though he’s constantly rubbing his ears and wincing), and therefore one of the few explanations for his fantastic behaviour lately is indeed puberty. Or the fact that he somehow knows something is really up in this house (like the colossal fact that he’s about to have a brother or sister).

And on that note, we’ve decided it’s a boy. Not because of any scans. Not because of gut feeling. Not even because we straight out asked the Doc to tell us. Nope, it’s because tonight, in the bath, Noah took it upon himself to say “brother”. Always on cue, whenever prompted. Do you think he would say “sister”? Helllll nope. Wouldn’t even make a sound. But every time, “brother” came out, crystal clear. Hell, I can’t even get the kid to say mama or dada, and the closest we get to any word at the mo is “oof oof” (which of course, is a dog barking. Plenty in terms of sign language though, so we’re sill happy).

TV Fantasies: I do have a thing for Nigel Barker and Gordon Ramsay. I have no idea why.*

SPD: Crutches suck. They do not work. I still waddle around most places, though I seem to have had a little respite lately. The fun comes when I roll over in bed and there’s an almighty “cracking” sound that comes from my crotch. Somewhat surreal, I think. Usually followed by me falling to the floor and wondering if I’ll make it to the bathroom without making a mess. SO cool.

T.O.O.: (cos I know you’re all eagerly awaiting the news, on the edge of your seats, right? Right? Thought so.) Well you know all that stress and crap and god knows what else that I went through last week? Yeah…it would appear we needn’t have worried. Yes! Actual! Good! News! T.O.O. is currently cephalic, and had been that way for a good 24 hours (including when AMW palpated yesterday and by the way did I mention she’s awesome?), fluid levels and the whole polyhydramnios thing is actually FINE and we are NOT in a danger zone, and whilst they still think it’s big (of course), there are no major concerns, and some of the MWs don’t think it’s even as big as Noah. As of this moment, right now, I am actually physically exhausted with sheer relief.

So what does this mean? Well I have one more appt with a consultant next Friday (which was OUR choice, they actually said we didn’t have to if we didn’t want to) and a final growth scan on Thursday, though the Consultant has said he won’t be overly bothered by the results unless they show something drastic. Sooooo…

DEFINITELY no C/S as long as it stays cephalic. No induction unless I get to 54 weeks or I go batshit, whichever happens first (feel free to place a bet). And once I’ve met with the Consultant on Friday, we may, note, MAY be able to discuss the possibility of trying again for a home birth.

I’m too scared to even consider the very idea at the moment, things seem to be going frighteningly well.

* I realise this was never actually a raised issue, but sometimes it’s good to get things off your chest…right? **

** I also quite like Alan Shore in Boston Legal, but I can’t confess to too much in one go, it’ll just blow your minds.

Filed Under: actual happy times, baby scan, home birth, House move, Midwife, Mocha II, Noah, Ultimate Stresssss, ultrascan

Still Turning

March 26, 2009 By mocha beanie mummy Leave a Comment

Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 36+2 days
Month: 9
Trimester: 3. I wonder if they’ll invent a 4th.
Fetus Age: 34 weeks
Time to Go: 26 days, if it gets it’s way.
Size: Apparently, abnormally giant-size, maybe like a sasquatch.
Time til NEXT Growth Scan: 1 day

Yes, I’ve been avoiding blogging, and it’s purely for selfish reasons. The whole C/S thing. It bothers me. And I’m allowed to be bothered. So I guess you could say I’ve been sulking. That’s fine. I admit that, I can deal with that. Besides, I’m maxed out on hormones, I’m a girl, I feel shit, so yeah. I’m allowed to sulk.

Sunday night, I got T.O.O. to turn cephalic. Awesome! Just by lying on my back, kind very reclined, making myself feel sick but you know, you do these things. Right? And so yeah! It’s been head down ALL WEEK!! Hell to the yeah!! All set for midwife appointment today – BRING ON THE TRUMPETS!

Nope.

Lat night, while I felt like crap eating dinner, I realised that it had suddenly flipped breech again. So I went to bed feeling shit beyond belief, lying awkward to turn it back. It worked. AWESOME! Breech again this morning.

My patience may not have been tested as much as this before. I am going batshit. I may have flipped it again this morning (if this thing isn’t violently sick in my womb it’ll be a miracle), but I’m almost too tired to fight much more. Yes I know they can keep flipping until labour starts, I’m fully aware, but what I really don’t want is the “C” word being bandied around at my appointments. Right there is far more stress than I can deal with.

And to add to the joys of the end of pregnancy and all it’s lovely quirks, Noah. Ahhhhhh Noah.

While I wasn’t looking, someone appears to have taken my lovely crazy kiddo, and swapped him for some one who could only be associated with the spawn of Satan.

Daily tantrums. Throwing whatever is in reach. Doing his best to ignore whoever is trying to speak to him. Cutting his nap time gradually shorter (his ONE and ONLY nap). Hitting in the face (anyone within reach). Now, I don’t know at what point I seem to have eliminated all discipline and let him run wild rampage on anyone and anything. But seriously. Who is this kid? He’s not mine. Ok yeah, he comes to me for cuddles in the afternoon. And that’s the time when I get a glimmer of my Kiddo.

D and I had speculated waaayyyy back how the hell we were going to deal with this, because we kind of saw it coming. Noah being so big and strong willed, strong in physicality and in mind, and frustrated quickly and easily. Unfortunately, we didn’t see it coming at only 14/15 months.

Sideswiped? Oh yes.

I would love to see the SuperNanny deal with this. Our Nanny is having a ball.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

A Turn of Events

March 20, 2009 By mocha beanie mummy Leave a Comment

Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 35+3 days
Month: 9
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 34 weeks
Time to Go: 32 days, though at this rate, who the hell knows?
Size: King/Queen
Time til NEXT Growth Scan: 7 days

Soooo….after all of that, it seems I’ve got other things to worry about. Thank you so much to all those who replied, and especially those who gave me a cyber kick up the arse. On reflection, yes I know it’s hormones, and I’m stupidly tired and ha ha! Of course Noah doesn’t hate me! (Not yet, anyway, give it about 14 years maybe) And this blog tends to receive the brunt of my whining (ya’ll some very strong/supportive/intriguing people to carry on reading…that means a whole lot). But there are just some days, which we all have, when I just feel completely incompetent. And whilst it sucks, I think I just need to find some way to embrace that.

Unfortunately, what I really need to embrace right now is the fact that Pushing the Button is pretty much officially out the window. Today’s scan (for all its inaccuracies) showed that T.O.O. is measuring, um, “ahead” a little bit. Like, kinda measuring around the 43+3w mark.

I’ll just give you a second to scroll back up and remind yourself how far along I actually am.

…

Yeah, not looking good, huh? The weight can go 15% either way of their measurements. Unfortunately, the measurements were so off the frigging chart, they couldn’t actually give me a guess on the weight. Awesome.

So whilst you’re thinking, “yeah well, she delivered one adult, why can’t she do it again? Why’s she given up so easily?”

Well there’s more. Remember that whole polyhydramnios thing? And the whole “excess fluid but don’t worry, it looks ok at this stage”? Yeah that’s gone to shit too. The fluid has increased, which means that if I go into labour and T.O.O. isn’t engaged, I risk things like a cord prolapse, or a hand or foot presenting first (which really, really does not appeal). Needless to say, a cord prolapse is life threatening for T.O.O. and I always said that if there was ANYTHING that would endanger the lives of myself or the baby, then I wouldn’t do it at home. Of course, there’s the potential for me to still put up some kind of fight at this point, even though it would minimal.

But no.

I officially gave up when they said that it’s also breech. Just. Frigging. Awesome.

Now of course I know FULL WELL that even at 35w with a second baby, it could turn a million more times before I hit due date. Fully aware. In fact, as I type this now, I’m actually typing leaning over the table, resting on my knees and elbows (if you can picture that). And as I’m typing, I’m being pummeled in the crotch as it tries to somehow propel itself up and round.

The things we do eh?

I’ve had a bad feeling all along about Pushing the Button, and something said to me that the outcome just wouldn’t be good at all. Which is a real shame. We went along to the scan just excited to see T.O.O. again. And I came out in tears, feeling thoroughly pissed off at the outcome. The consultant we saw was great, very clear and understanding. But there was no arguing. With all of the above, the three together, just cause too great a risk.

So where do we go from here?

We have another scan next friday to measure fluid and try to get another “guess” on the size. I also have a scan the following week after that to check position. They mentioned that if it is still breech, they would normally try to turn the baby (ECV – External Cephalic Version), giving me a better chance of having a vaginal birth (in hospital). Of course, that would be the case if the fluid levels were normal. So if the levels are high, then no turning and it’s an automatic C-Section for me. At this stage, who knows? It could be anything from let’s wait and see, through early induction, to planned C-Section.

Hmm.

I have nothing against people who have had C-Sections. I know some people wouldn’t have it any other way. Me? Not so keen. My previous experience with hospitals has sufficiently put paid to that. So C-Sections…yeah, I think that’s a different post.

Filed Under: baby scan, home birth, hospital, Mocha II, Polyhydramnios, ultrascan

Let’s Be Honest Here.

March 16, 2009 By mocha beanie mummy Leave a Comment

I am just not cut out for this. I was never made to be a mother, I am not mother material, I can barely cope with one kid, I do NOT see how the hell I an cope with two. I have all the help I can possibly get and yet O still feel like a fucking failure. Noah has ben fine with his grandparents all day, he comes home and is fine, and the second I sit him down to eat, he screams and throws things at me. Can someone please tell me what I did to deserve that?

He’s barely eaten all day, he’s had practically no dinner (apart from a handful of crisps – oh what a great mother am I) and if he plays up at diner and doesn’t eat, he gets no dessert. Which obviously makes me look like the evil mom (I just can’t afford to have him grow up on crap alone)

And now I’m fucking crying, for fucks sake. Can someone please tell me how the hell I’m supposed to turn myself around and suddenly just “adapt” to this whole thing that I blatantly cannot do? I can’t deal with this. I think about going to sleep and not waking up for months, and just letting everyone else deal with all the shit instead of me. I sometimes think it would just do everyone a too; no one would have to listen to me whine, Noah wouldn’t hate me, everyone could just get on and life would be so much easier for all without me and my over-complicated, over-anal, overly-thought-out ways of dealing with everything.

As I sat there with Noah screaming directly into my face, having just hurled yet another plate/bowl/spoon at me, I wondered how much does he hate me. And it sucks to sit there wondering if your kid who is no where NEAR being a teenager absolutely hates favour you, and how the hell did things just escalate so badly anyway?

I hate feeling like a failure, and it terrifies me so much that I’m going to have to feel all of this again with another kid. Why would I put anyone through this? Why should I make another kid suffer already? I always wondered about moms who gave up their kids, and it pains me to say it but sometimes I can see why. I feel like I’m raising some kind of monster who just finds it easier not to be around his neurotic mother.

Lately all I seem to do is shout at him, Noah no touch, Noah no throw, Noah come away, Noah dangerous – no wonder the kid hates me. He probably thinks all fun and games must stop every time he sees me.

It’s great that we have Nanny to help us out, but I’m now terrified that it’s going to get to the point where he’d rather spend all his time with her. I’m also betting that most of you already saw this coming. I can see it now; D brings Noah downstairs, sees me and Nanny, screams at me and then clings to her. She’s so great with him; she gets to do all the things I so desperately want to do, without the added hassle of having to be the ultimate disciplinarian and being the one that always come down on him like a ton of bricks if he’s naughty.

And what the hell happens when T.O.O. comes along in 5 weeks time? When Noah spends more time with Nanny, and he realises that actually, life is great when his mum isn’t around and he can just do whatever?

I wonder if this is post natal depression. I wonder if this is pregnancy hormones. I also wonder if this is exhaustion in its finest form. I think potentially all of the above, which then leads me to wonder how the hell am I supposed to be a good mother? I have only had Noah for 2 hours today, and already I’m not sure I want to be around him any more today. I can’t cope with him. I can’t deal with him. I admit defeat – he’s too much for me. I’m too weak to deal with him, that’s all there is to it.

The honest truth. I’m so not made to be a mom. And that pisses me off severely, because being a failure really stinks.