February 2010 Archives - mocha beanie mummy

Silent Sunday

February 28, 2010 By mocha beanie mummy Leave a Comment

Filed Under: pointless crap, Silent Sunday

The Top 5

February 23, 2010 By mocha beanie mummy 1 Comment

Everyone has one. Even those who say they don’t have one, they sooooo have one, and the more they deny, the more likely it’s laminated and framed.

For those of you wondering what the fuck, I’m talking about, it’s something people (often couples) do, where you each get to pick five different celebrities that you can sleep with, and the other one can’t get mad. I originally discovered it on an episode of Friends. It changed my life.

Whilst I’m aware of D’s Top 5, and approve highly (the man has

excellent, excellent taste), it occurred to me I hadn’t sorted out my own. Whilst I’ve seen AWESOME Hot or Not contributions in the blogosphere (incidentally you have to click that link; it’s a wicked blog and that post is particularly tasty), and others have contributed to it, I began to realise I don’t have a Top 5.

W.T.F.

This is a crime in itself. I have a sort of top three-and-a-half, which obviously doesn’t quite cut it, and is quite poor in fact. So I sat and had a thought about who would be in my Top 5, in no particular order:

1. Gordon Ramsay, International Michelin Star Chef

Ok. I know. I know, I know. You’re all, “But he’s a fucking arrogant fucker! And his chin is dented! And swears way too fucking much! And did you see his chin!!! And the bastard cannot get over himself! And fuck me, THE CHIN!!”

I couldn’t give a monkey’s. He’s rugged. He’s sexy. He is HOT. And not just hot, but DIRTY hot. Like, “If you wear that short skirt to dinner, you will have a good time with me” kind of hot. “I will probably try to do obscene things and most likely stare at your boobs” kind of hot. And the arrogance to go with it.

Because let’s face it, he’s hardly going to leave you half satisfied, is he? No.

He’s going to make sure he does the job properly. And then will want to do it again, just to be sure.

And then, probably again, just to prove a point.

2. James Spader, American Actor

My first encounter with this fine piece of Man was when I happened to watch Secretary on tv. I wasn’t impacted by is looks, but quite like the fact that he was a bit of a slut.

And then…omg and then came Boston Legal which sparked another sordid affair with myself and a dirty slut of a bloke, Alan Shore, James’ character in the show.

Alan spends most of his time being the guy in an office who you try to avoid, because he’ll letch all over you in a heartbeat. And much like Mr Ramsay, take any opportunity to try and have his dirty wicked way with you.

This guy? Does the best. Smut. EVER. And quite frankly, I often can’t get enough smut; it’s just awesome.

You thought I was bad? What, with repeated cockotations on twitter, and my boobs out in the ethos?

No. Go have another look at “smut” in your dictionary. It says “Alan Shore” (some dictionary’s still say my name, but that’s ok). And smutty is good. I’d like to see how long it would take him to break me. As soon as he did, I’d return the favour. Heh.

3. “Noted Fashion Photographer” Nigel Barker (Also panel judge on America’s Next Top Model)

Quite possibly, one of the prettiest men I have EVER. SEEN. Like, this man should be put in a glass cabinet and ~~kept next to my bed~~ put in a museum for all to drool over.

And there’s something about him. I totally imagine him to be a bit letchy, a bit dirty, a bit smutty (can you sense a theme here?). I’ve watched him on ANTM and seen him drool over some of the models…it’s totally inappropriate, but who the hell cares?

He is HOT.

Sorry, he is HAWT.

And that’s pretty much all there is that I need with him. I mean, sitting around making polite conversation will be the LAST thing on my mind.

Heh.

…

But here, we reach a problem. I only have 3, which doesn’t work for a Top 5, obviously. Clearly I’m all about the dirty dirtiness that is filth, with a ~~dash~~ shit load of smut. And I totally understand that my preferences are most definitely not palatable with others. And vice versa. But I’m open minded!!

So who’s on your list?

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Actually…A Bit of Sunshine

February 22, 2010 By mocha beanie mummy Leave a Comment

Omg. Like, seriously.

Omfg. Holy…omg.

So, I post a while back about how I’m struggling to meet demands and needs and everyone was all “Oh hell yeah girl, you are SO not alone, and we WILL support you”. And I was all “holy fuck! Um thanks for your support dammit y’all are lovely!”

And then, cos to be honest I thought my blog was pretty shit but didn’t particularly care, I wrote about who’s to say a blog is good or bad because suddenly there was this crazy uproar about good blogs and bad blogs, and everyone was all “OMFG I’M A SHIT BLOGGER AND NOOOOOO!!!” and others were all “I BLOG AND TOTALLY KICK YOUR ASS MOMMY MO FOOOOOO!!!”

(The whole thing made me laugh to be fair, and I still smirk when I read my own input, but you know.)

And you were all “GOOD FOR YOU. And also? YOUR BLOG ROX. And COCK”. And I couldn’t love you all enough for that, because I know I blog shit sometimes (a lot of the time) and you were all so fucking lovely about it and made me smile ‘n’ shit.

And then, on a whim (after speaking to a BLOODY LOVELY friend who is so damn nice I want to dislike her but she’s too flippin lovely, DAMMIT), I posted about how we beat ourselves up for the most innocent of things, and as parents (moms AND dads) we are particularly hard on ourselves, and suddenly I have people I have never ever known in anyway, coming to me to leave support. Not just for me, I hasten to add, no no. Not at all. To leave support for EVERYONE who has gone through the same.

And if I’m honest, I’m totally fucking overwhelmed. People sent me messages about how they’ve done the same, how they found me, how the post moved them and touched them, they’ve reposted it, they’ve it…and I’ve never known anything like it.

Ironically, I felt bad that I stopped replying in comments because I got so overwhelmed with the responses. And oddly enough, I suddenly wondered if I was going to be under a lot of pressure to write more profoundly amazing posts.

I won’t promise to do it, because like I said in a previous post, I don’t write specifically for others, I write what comes to me naturally. So if you get another amazing post, then um, it’ll be a miracle!

But something made me seriously want to address the posts I’ve written and it was in reaction to you amazing people. I’ve received an award from MommaRuthSays in the past, and then suddenly I had another 2 awards in the short space of time. I confess I uhm’d and ah’d about responding; truth be told? I honestly didn’t think I deserved them, mainly because I was too busy reeling from the shock of everything else. But obviously, I have to get over myself.

And so, my many, MANY thanks go to Bare Naked Mummy for awarding me the Sunshine Award because I’m a little bit of sunshine to make us feel better (oh hell yeah!!) and Rosie Scribble, who has also given me the Sunshine Award and is SOOOO lovely. I gotta say, I’m pretty fucking pleased about this, the timing could not have been ANY BETTER.

I hate not being able to thank everyone individually, but I swear there have been SO MANY messages, by the time I respond, blogging will be extinct. So I feel a bit pathetic with this offering, but, well, thank you.

Thank you. So much.

Filed Under: Awards, Blogging

Resentment, Regret and a Whole Lot of Selfish

February 19, 2010 By mocha beanie mummy Leave a Comment

I very, very rarely regret my actions. I’m very much “this is how I roll, if you don’t like it, go away”. And, I try to learn from my actions as best as possible.

Sometimes however, I’m full of regret as soon as I’ve done something. And usually it’s related to the boys. And even more worryingly so, the regret tends to come straight after resentment. Which comes from me wanting to be selfish.

The Boys have been ill for approximately 17 years. Which means many, many tears. And tantrums. And sitting in the rocking chair, watching Disney Pixar DVDs over and over (and over) again. With the two of them slumped on me, fighting for space on my lap, heads resting on my chest.

I’ll be honest. I have my laptop/iPhone glued to my side, because if I don’t, then I have no contact with the outside world. And of course, if there are two Small people clamoring to be on my lap, then it makes it a little difficult to get anything done. And of course, trying to work on my website (which at the moment, is the slowest process EVER), take some half decent pictures and maintain small (but much appreciated) friendships…well…there are moments when I struggle.

Noah sidles up to me and pats my lap. Then he signs “cuddle”. And will do so repeatedly. And of course it’s the cutest thing ever. But not always. Not when you just want those 5 minutes, when you want your own time out, to have that small connection with the outside, to switch off from everything child/baby related. And there is step one: Selfish.

I want my time. My time. But I don’t get that time. Because I’m on call. For the boys. Because they need my time. And as their mom, they should get my time whenever they want or need it. And suddenly we’re at step two: Resentment.

It’s not fair, right? I want to be able to just snap my fingers and demand time. I want to be able to drop everything going on and suddenly have my own time out, the way I want it. But it’s not fair right, because they’re babies. Even when I ignore him a few more times than perhaps I should, or perhaps when I plop him on my lap, give a half hearted cuddle then turn back to my laptop, surely that’s all unfair on them. Final stop: Regret.

The quality time that I (should) spend with them is tainted because all I want is escape. I don’t want to be glued to the TV. I want to be immersed in my own world. Doing my own things. Seeing my own sites. Literally. For the last two nights, I’ve worked into the night, going to bed at 3 a.m., savoring my time without being disturbed. And I’m full of regret that I have to do it that way.

I regret feeling the resentment and selfishness, to do what I want to do. But ironically, only this morning, I “told a friend off” for feeling guilty about wanting to spend time without her boy, but not getting that chance.

Where do we get off beating ourselves up, just for being human? Just for wanting to be human? Just for wanting to retain that shred of identity, that sense of self, that 5 minutes of selfishness that surely we deserve? When we have a drink that we just want to drink but can’t get to, a phone call to a friend that we want to make but can’t because of the fussing and whining, the email/blog post we want to read but can’t because it takes 19 attempts and by the time you HAVE read it, it’s three days later?

I have spoken to various people this last fortnight, and it’s given me some very interesting food for thought. First of all, it’s amazing how many people (ironically, non-parents) take parenting for granted. To assume what various aspects of parenting are like, without ever having been there. And by been there, I mean actually been a parent. And I think until you’ve been there, until you have had that child demanding you all the live-long day, there can be no assumptions. There can be some understanding, but it’s limited. I never knew it would (could) be like this. I had some idea, but even my ideas weren’t close.

Another realisation, was that there are many who had forgotten that as a parent, for some it can be near impossible to switch off. In fact, to just stop being a parent for 5 minutes. Even when you’re away from the kids, you’re out with friends, you’re blinding drunk, you’re away from them; whatever. There is no time out. There is no turn off. There is no holiday. You sign up for the job, and it becomes yours, for the foreseeable until the inevitable. And if you fuck it up, there is no do-over. You don’t get that time back.

And right there, is resentment, regret and selfishness all rolled into one. Sometimes, I ask the question: Does that process of understanding these steps make me to be a better parent? One who cares as much as they should? Or am I being, like untold numbers of other parents out there, way too hard on myself? Or maybe, just maybe, this is the worst parenting ever, and I should add (more) guilt to the list? If that’s the case, then that’s a shame.

Because I’d be willing to bet that would mean there’s an awful lot of other bad parents out there. Parents who just want to be.