May 2010 Archives - mocha beanie mummy

Getting There

May 31, 2010 By mocha beanie mummy 10 Comments

I had to have a time-out. It was all too much. I don’t cope like I used to.

Or, I cope differently now.

And it’s ok.

D’s family took us all to Centre Parcs in Longleat over the bank holiday. I went, I stepped outside, I took a deep breath, I listened, I stopped everything.

I’m not quite back up to par, but I’m getting there. I feel like I’m trying to start all over again. So just, you know, thanks for bearing with me. I’m still listening.

Filed Under: Depression

In The Words of "Queen": I Want It All

May 25, 2010 By mocha beanie mummy 13 Comments

A rage. A jealous rage.

I didn’t see it coming, but oddly enough I half expected it.

All around me, people are doing amazing things. I have admiration for all of them, I really do. Every day, I learn about something awesome that someone else has done, or is doing, or whatever. I see the tweets, I read the status updates, I check my emails, I see the messages.

And I feel rage. A horrible, jealous rage.

It’s pathetic.

In fact, if I just got off my lazy arse and tried to achieve something myself, I wouldn’t have anything to whine about.

If I just got off my lazy arse, it would be a start.

If I just stopped saying “IF” and faced up to procrastinating like a dumbass, things would probably be significantly better.

I wonder if much of this stems from growing up trying to be the best at everything I can do, whilst never being good enough. The things that mattered to me, that counted, I worked so incredibly hard for. But it was never enough. So somewhere along the line, I started doing everything I could to please everyone else; to show them all that actually, I can be someone. Look, I am someone.

So what’s holding me back now? Why don’t I just go out there and say “Hell yeah, I can do that, just watch me.”

I don’t like to be competitive. But I want to be up there with the best of them.

I don’t want people to think I’m arrogant. But I want to show the world what I can do.

I don’t want to be in people’s faces all the time. But I want recognition and respect.

I don’t want to be dictated by everyone else. But feel like I flounder without help.

It’s all so stupid it doesn’t even make the slightest bit of sense. I know what I want, but don’t see how it’s possible without being really awkward.

I hurt this week. For some reason, I’m feeling more and more like an epic fail, with no particularly good reason. Once again, I set standards astronomically high, way beyond a place where I could ever hope or even dream to reach them. No one else puts this pressure on me, I do it to myself. And every day, I wish to god I could stop.

Because for once, just once, I’d like to be really happy with what I can actually do.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Secret Post Club, with not an innuendo in sight.

May 21, 2010 By mocha beanie mummy 29 Comments

I only posted about the Secret Post Club yesterday, but I have another one to do today because I had May’s gift arrive this week.

It’s a beautiful gift, which I will treasure immensely, and was clearly very well thought out by the delightfully sweet , over at Are We Nearly There Yet Mummy.

I obviously had no idea who my gift was coming from, but I suspected I might have a when I saw the label slapped on my box.

The lovely Laura and I had had many a discussion on baskets of fruit on twitter, wondering what makes an effective basket of fruit, and whether we would be able to get a basket of fruit from our respective partners.

One of the gifts inside took my breath away.

It’s a teapot.

Made to look like a Basket of Fruit.

See the beautifully protruding banana? Isn’t it admirable?

Although Laura to the touching plums. Personally, I couldn’t take my eyes off the protruding spout. I thought the hole at the end was rather large.

And was also a little nervous that the tip looked a bit crusty brown. But that’s ok, I’m not too fussy, I think.

Needless to say, I was keen to give it a test run, and see if that spout could pour it’s juices out of the large hole like every good large spouted teapot should.

Since we rarely drink tea here, I had to fill it with an alternative hot creamy liquid, so as to fully appreciate it’s abilities.

I chose my favourite mug; I call it “The Pussy”, for obvious reasons. And for this Basket of Fruit teapot, it seemed completely fitting. I was pleased that the spout poured hot fluids into “The Pussy” really well, although I was a tad distracted by the growing bush creeping in over the spout.

I must have been a little in too much awe of the hot spouting creamy fluids into “The Pussy” because looking at the picture now, I see there was a little spillage. See it? That tiny little dribble on the bottom? I would have licked that drop off, but I don’t much care for the taste of creamy fluids in my mouth, so there’s creamy mess all over my surface.

I’m thinking I might it, but I obviously don’t want to hide it’s sheer beauty. And, as if this gift wasn’t enough, Laura was most kind to send me a little book to read, perhaps while I indulge The Pussy with hot creamy fluids.

Someone said something about toilet humour, so I thought perhaps I would put it in the bathroom to read when I’m otherwise engaged?

In any case, I’ll just say a huge to Laura for my beautifully and go back to them in all their glory.

Filed Under: Secret Post Club

Secret Post Club, April

May 20, 2010 By mocha beanie mummy 1 Comment

Some people have the best ideas ever. I’m still in awe of fellow MADs finalist Tara Cain‘s idea for the Gallery, my other current favourite is Heather at Note From Lapland and her Secret Post Club (check out the badge just over there, scroll down, it’s on your right).

Now, normally I’m just really excited to send a gift and await the reaction, but I was more excited for last month’s as I discovered it was coming from Mexico.

Rawrr!!

I’m still trying to find out if I can get hold of her to say thank you, but April’s gift was 3 delicious smelling hand wrapped soaps, and I suspect I won’t use them, they’ll end up in my underwear drawer making my bras smell nice.

Besides they’re too lovely to unwrap.

Many thanks to Different Randomness for this lovely gift

Filed Under: Secret Post Club

Business as Usual

May 19, 2010 By mocha beanie mummy 12 Comments

Here I am again. Staring down the barrel. Looking into the abyss. Reaching for my shroud.

I wish I were stronger. I wish people could look at me and say “Bloody hell yeah, that Jay? She’s stronger than a strong thing which happens to be strong”. I wish I had the strength to not even get into this situation, time and time again. I wish I had more strength to get myself out quicker.

I’m sat in my lounge, next to my patio doors into the garden, and the sun is streaming in. But it’s behind me.

The sun is behind me and I can’t look at it.

Or maybe I don’t want to look at it. Maybe my black shroud is much more comfortable. At least then I don’t have to deal with anything else. I don’t have to deal with anyone else. I don’t have to care.

I wish I had the strength to look at it.

I always thought it was easier to just keep my head down. Keep myself to myself. Let the world pass me by. I never wanted to be where I am, but I want everything I’ve got, and more.

But I can’t even manage it.

I don’t know what I want; maybe I’m too confused, maybe I’m too tired. Maybe I do want escape, maybe I want to run away. Maybe I want to forget all of this life, have nothing to do with it. Maybe I don’t even want to pack a bag; maybe I just want to close my eyes and sleep. Maybe I don’t want to wake up. Maybe I won’t wake up.

If I could turn my face to the sun with the promise of something better, but stay asleep until someone could guarantee that for me…maybe that would be the ideal. Maybe I could bask in the warmth of the thought of better things. The blissful idea that there really is better out there.

It’s easier for some. Some can shake themselves out. Some can make themselves feel better. Some have help. Many are strong. I don’t feel strong. And that frustrates me. But I’m too proud to accept help. It’s how I’ve always been, hasn’t it? Too proud to accept help. What doesn’t make sense is that it feels like I have nothing to be proud of.

And that just makes me feel even more weak.

I know I have to keep going. I know I have to open my eyes and look at what’s going on around me. People will tell me not to be selfish, and to shake myself out of it. Think of my family, think of the kids. Do it for them. They’re what matters. They ARE what matters. Does it matter how they see me?

Can they see beyond the fake smiles? Can they see me under my shroud? What if I don’t want them to see me?

I guess that’s what I do best. Fake smiles. Diversion and distraction. A bit of the colourful me. I’m just nervous that it gets harder and harder every time.