November 2010 Archives - mocha beanie mummy

The School of Mommy Guilt

November 30, 2010 By mocha beanie mummy 9 Comments

We all have it. Well, most of us do. Moms, mostly. I couldn’t speak for the men..

We have Facial Orifice Fluid here at Mocha Towers, again, and this time it’s Noah and I who are suffering. Sunday sucked. D was out at work all day, and I had to get the shopping done. I was convinced both Smalls were going to be vile. I braced myself round the entire store, coughing and snivelling, trying not to piss myself with every bout of the sneezes (I’m going to have the tightest ass EVER for all the clenching I’m doing) while Isaac repeatedly threw his burpee on the floor.

Note to Isaac. Dude? That shit gets real old. REAL fast.

Noah on the other hand? Was golden. He was polite to anyone who spoke to him, an absolute saint, pointing at things and counting them, telling me what they were. I felt bad for thinking he was going to be vile, I actually thought maybe he’s not as poorly as I thought. D asked me that night if Noah was going to school the next day; I figured he seemed to be perking up, so, sure! Why not? Bit of Calpol and he’ll be fine.

Fast forward to 1:30 on Monday afternoon and I get a phone call from school, asking me if I can pick him up. “He’s had a sleep,” she said, (“Omg” I thought, “he NEVER sleeps at school, he stopped naps nearly a year ago…“) “and his breathing is very laboured. He can’t nap properly though because he keeps choking. Can you collect him? It’s not a good idea that he stays here for after-school club.”

Shit. I was convinced he was fine. And not only that, but when she asked me to collect him, I felt bad that my first thought was that I wasn’t ready to drag myself snivelling self off the sofa and venture out into the cold. Way to go, caring mom. Having said that, I got to his school class and he came tearing out of the room to meet me with the biggest grin on his face. A face covered with FOF, no less, but hey.

He’s been home all day today and to be quite honest, he looks really crap. But at the same time, he’s still had enough energy to bounce around the room. Where do you draw the line? He’s been coughing all day, his nose is still streaming, but he’s had tons of energy. My guess is he won’t go to school tomorrow. But how do you judge? Where do you draw the line? Do you have a set list of points to determine when to send them to school?

I’m really rubbish, or perhaps a bit too hardcore; I’m from the school of “If you can run around, you can go to school”. But clearly I spectacularly ballsed up on that.

Of course, if it means I get cuddles like this then who am I to complain?

Filed Under: assvice, Facial Orifice Fluid (FOF), Isaac, Noah, parenting, School

Did STOPPING the Cerazette pill save my life??

November 29, 2010 By mocha beanie mummy 55 Comments

Remember those posts I used to write a little while ago where I was spiralling in to depression again, and was terrified I couldn’t get out of the pattern? Yeah? Noticed how I haven’t done one of those posts for a while? Yeah? Notice how on twitter, if you follow me, I’ve been borderline nauseatingly happy and chirpy 95ish% of the time? Yeah?

Well I changed a few things.

Well actually I changed one thing: I stopped taking the pill. I know some of you had previously said that the pill is a major mojo killer – I totally agree. But what I hadn’t anticipated finally going back on to Cerazette after I finished nursing Isaac (over 4 years since I stopped taking it?), was that it was slowly destroying me. My cycles were so heavy it was ridiculous, the pain often left me feeling crippled, and the spiralling…oh my God, the spiralling.

I’d never had PMT before, and for me to have to go to the doctor because I was scared of what I was going to do to myself or my kids every month was enough to make me get over to her sharpish. I hated not wanting to live any more, I hated what the chemical and emotional processes were doing to me and the endless guilt from the hurt I was causing my family was just too much to bear.

Doc was surprised to hear about what was happening; Cerazette is a very adaptable pill apparently, and works wonders with the majority of women. I can’t take any other pills as a migraine sufferer, so this was my only weapon of choice. Looking back? I should probably have just abstained entirely since I started taking it again. We talked through my options and briefly discussed PMDD. She gave me a chart and stuff to fill in so we could monitor what was happening, but quite frankly? I’d had enough. I stopped the pill the following morning, when I was due on.

That was 2 cycles ago. I’m hideously irregular (I used to be so clockwork I could probably have timed it down to the hour) but Jesus, that depression shit? NOTHING like what I used to have. I’m not saying I’m “cured”, by any means; I still need to find a contraception that works for us (currently looking at the coil now, any thoughts? Have you tried it? Good bad?) and having had the implant previously, well, let’s just say that gaining over a stone in weight, losing handfuls of hair and being so vile with PMT it’s a wonder divorce wasn’t on the cards, just doesn’t really appeal to me, you know?

I’m now into my third cycle. My mojo is returning (slowly but surely – it’s been a long time, ok?), I couldn’t tell you how long this cycle will last (a 37 day cycle can really shit a person up. Thank god for those old spare pregnancy tests, eh?) and condoms are really, really (REALLY) dull, but I’m finally starting to feel human. I DO feel human. There’s a haze that’s been lifted from my head, and it’s nice to be able to see again.

What hormone contraception do you use and how has it affected you? Have you seen the effects it’s had on others? Do you have depression and how do you manage it with your cycles? Maybe you’re a bloke and you’ve seen the effect it’s had on your missus – how did you/she deal with it? Would love to know your thoughts!

Filed Under: Depression, Doctor, Ultimate Stresssss

Silent Sunday

November 28, 2010 By mocha beanie mummy 22 Comments

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Filed Under: Silent Sunday

It’s just a big photographic Silent Sunday huggy thing

November 27, 2010 By mocha beanie mummy 5 Comments

I started this post a 1 am. Turns out that’s late to start a post because I fell asleep and have no idea what I was talking about.

…I’mma post it anyhow.

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Oh. Em. Gee.

This week has been manic. This month has been INSANE. SO much happening and I still have no idea if I’m even going to get round to blogging it all. From celebrating D’s 40th birthday (it’s been a hell of a fucking brilliant month babe), me sorting out tons of photography stuff (like – actually booking weddings – holy crap), celebrating our wedding anniversary (4 years!! Where the hell did time go?!?) and having the doors open on Silent Sunday.

WOW.

Silent Sunday.

Now that was anything BUT silent.

I thought maybe one or two of you would do it, 5 TOPS…but 41?? Ok that kinda blew me away. I’m still in awe, and flattered, and gobsmacked and excited and EVERYTHING.

But one thing I didn’t expect to feel was sad.

Let me explain.

On twitter, Silent Sunday became a bit popular, and I saw lots of people using the #SilentSunday hashtag. That was AWESOME. But I got sad because once people found out it was a photography related thing, many people stepped away. Which I think is the biggest shame ever. I want to emphasize a few things about Silent Sunday.

It is NOT a competition, of ANY KIND. It is the EXACT OPPOSITE. Your photo is for you, and is not being posted for others to judge; it is posted for you. YOU. You are being given permission to be as selfish as you like, because set no guidelines. For me personally, Silent Sunday was just an excuse to post a picture I happened to like, for whatever reason. I don’t consider myself a writer, at all, and so having a picture with no words was great – my mind could do all the decision making about the image without additional clutter. Some photos were pointless to anyone else but still made me smile. Others were full of meaning to me, and others asked wtf?

All that mattered s that it was a picture for me. I didn’t take them all with an awesome shit-hot camera, I didn’t take them all with the photography knowledge I have now. Some I took with my iPhone, pissed out of my brains. Heh.

But it’s just a chance to give the pressure on photography a rest. There’s so much pressure to “get a good picture”; it’s not all about that. It’s almost the opposite; it’s a picture “just cos”. No pressure. Please don’t beat yourself up; there’s no way I’m going to judge you. I’m not going to pressure you. And if you don’t like your picture? You don’t have to post it. You can always wait til the next week. I know I don’t need any more pressure to take a good picture…and wanted to share that with you.

And for those asking how to link? There will be a McLinky on my Silent Sunday post in the morning – stick your link in there! And of course, use the badge code in the box on the right to link back here so people know what you’re on about…

And lastly? Seriously, I cannot thank you enough. You rock.

Filed Under: actual happy times, Silent Sunday

The Gallery – Black and White

November 23, 2010 By mocha beanie mummy 33 Comments

After the success of Silent Sunday (THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! You’re all superstars!) I thought I might be all burnt out and have nothing left to post for this week’s Gallery, over at Sticky Fingers. After losing my mojo recently, I thought I might saturate myself, but THANKFULLY, the theme this week is “Black and White”. I just about fell over myself trying to decide on what to post.

I have several I want to post, all inspired by my friends; the first is a photo I took down in Dawlish, Devon, whilst on a short break very early this year. I am lucky to have a friend down there who lets me visit any time – I wish I could go more often, and spend more time with my friend down there. I love the coast, so very much, and would move there in a heartbeat. And whilst I love taking photographs of the coast, I always like to appreciate how awesome and inspiring it can be, even when you take away all the blues, greens, yellows and other vibrant colours that so often blind us.

There are 2 photos which mean the world to me at the moment. Ironically they’re both of the same thing, but at very, VERY different times in my life.

The first one is a picture of the moon during the partial eclipse on New Year’s Eve, 2009. I wrote a post about it, as I felt very connected to someone back then. Even though I barely speak to them, and they live WAY too far away, any time someone mentions an eclipse, it is this person I think of, someone I will ALWAYS think of, and all we’ve been through. It took me lord knows how many attempts to get this shot, but it was totally worth it.

I was a bit chuffed to bits with this as this was also my first attempt ever at shooting the moon.

This next photo, also of the moon, I think was a lucky shot. I was still desperately learning how to use my new lens with some insane settings on my camera and was determined to get a shot of something half decent. Whilst on twitter someone happened to mention it was a full moon. I whipped my camera out, put the new lens on, and snapped this on maybe my 2nd or 3rd shot.

Someone who’s opinion I value very highly and have an awful lot of respect for raved about this photo when I tweeted it, and I was flattered to bits when they asked for a copy to use as a desktop. Perhaps that is why it has become a personal favourite; not because of being able to shoot it so quickly and so well, but I will think of them every time I look at it. They have since become one of my dearest friends; I don’t have very many and never have had many – I could probably count on one hand.

I hate that this friend lives so far away too, and always hope that when we look at the full moon, they’ll know that we’re never really that far apart, and that unlike the moon, that long awaited hug isn’t a million miles away.