I am so sad.
I am sat in front of my iMac. It’s the night before my final performance of my music career as I know it. And my heart hurts.
So much.
I want to cry. But I don’t want to.
I want to be happy. But I don’t know how.
It’s time to move on.
I know this hurts so much right now because all the pain of the last 26 years is sitting on my shoulders like the heaviest weight I have ever dealt with.
More than my depression? I do not know. I cannot decide that. I won’t know until tomorrow, roughly around 6pm. When it is done.
When it is all over.
My musical spirit has been destroyed so many times over the many years. Maybe I wasn’t strong enough for the musical industry? I don’t know. Was I too naive? Was I gullible? Was I foolish? Was I simply stupid to put my trust in people I thought supported me? Should I have known better? Should I have seen it coming? Should I have had one eye on the music, whilst glancing over my shoulder?
…should I have fought back when they beat me down?
…
I don’t know what to write. And yet, inside me the words want to pour out. I feel so broken, so destroyed. The one thing that remained passionate in my heart for so many years…too many years? It’s the one thing that is breaking me. I should have let go, so many years ago. When I had to turn down my place at music college because I couldn’t afford it, I should have quit. When conductors put their favourite students ahead of me for performances and concerts because their parents requested it, I should have given up. When I couldn’t afford that cello which was as good as all the other kids, I should have just stopped it all.
But I kept fighting.
I fought so hard.
And I kept smiling. Smiling through the tears pretending it was all ok. It thought it was all ok. I didn’t mind, I just wanted to play. I learned to take a step back and give others the opportunities I thought they deserved. And that was ok. I thought my time would come. I waited.
I waited for such a long time.
And in that time, I hurt more and more.
While I sat quietly, letting people bully me, push me around, doing whatever they wanted just in the hope that they would let me stay part of the group…
I took more than I should have done. I hate myself for that. And now here come the tears. The long awaited tears.
It won’t be the last of them, I know that. I know there’s so much more to come out. So much hurt I held back for fear of upsetting others. So I kept smiling. Right up until the last minute.
So I sit here and cry as I write these words. Tears of every kind of emotion you can think of. Tears for something even I don’t understand.
It’s not like I don’t have anything to go on to – my photography has been but surely. I am so new to it and yet it feels surprisingly natural, it feels like I should have done it a long time ago. Perhaps I should have done? Who knows. I don’t know. I am impatient, but so much is happening. It’s good; it’s wonderful. I hope it is enough to fill the impending hole.
Actually…no. This is right. This is how it should be.
This is the right way to go.
Doors are open now, other doors closed in my face. I have to turn my back on those. And it hurts, so very, very bad, but it’s ok. It’s time to move on.
I don’t know if I will survive tomorrow. I spoke to my beloved hypnotherapist today, Ian; he has no idea how much he helped me cope with playing my cello when so many people took advantage of me, I hit ultimate rock bottom. He’s reminded me of the tools I need to get through tomorrow. And that’s part of all I need. Those tools he gave me, the love and support from the people I trust, and the knowledge, the complete knowledge of knowing that I did the absolute best I could.
The orchestra I am playing with…who are sending me on my way in the best way ever…they will never understand. They will never know how much it meant to me that they were the ones who inspired me to keep going. I never wanted to play with an orchestra as much as I did this one. They are so lovely, so understanding, so accepting…which makes it the right time. Which makes all of this ok. They tell me they don’t want me to go…they tell me the door is always open.
Which leaves me thinking, “Yes. This is my time. I can surely begin to let it go now.”
I can hold my head up and smile. I did an awful lot of smiling with BCO. I seem to be pretty good at that. I think that has to count for something.
At least…at least they helped me remember the times when I could smile with my cello. I will never forget that.
Biggest thanks in the world to principal violinist and and orchestra leader Vee, for having a play with my camera and capturing these images of me at Birmingham Town Hall, Sunday 13th Feb, 2011. Photo BCO THSH (1) (the double bass on it’s side) was taken by myself. Please ask permission before using any of these images, which are copyright Jay Mountford Photography.
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Beautiful post. And remember you are a great writer as well as a great photographer and great cello player
x
I hate classical music for what it has done to you yet I so want to hear you play. Maybe someday?
I believe this is just another step on your life path and something else is on the horizon for you – your photography probably or something even you don't know about yet.
That 2nd picture – the b&w one of you – is just the best pic I've ever seen of you.
Thinking of you, Jay.
x
I have an autograph from you, in my school leaving book. Saying that one day you’d be world famous… then you drew a pic of you and your cello. Well… you are famous, but not with your cello. You’re famous cause you write stuff like this, and reach people. Jay, whatever you do, you will excell. You reach people in a way I don’t think you fully realise. Be encouraged, whatever path you take, enjoy it and don’t have regrets. The past makes us who we are now and youre amazing
xxx
Wow! Wow! Wow! So beautiful.
Best of luck for tomorrow x
Hello Janet – I know everyone calls you Jay but I like to be differen't
. Hey thanks for the shout on the blog too. That was a nice surprise. The way I see it, is that you are reinventing yourself. People do it all the time. You have unearthed another facet of a truly gifted creative artist. I cannot do the things you do. I will never be able to do the things you've done. To me you will always be amazing. x
Ian
What is so inspiring about this post is that you completely convey how torn you are, how much you love your music yet how much you love your photography. I am so overwhelmed with sadness for you because you are clearly saying goodbye to something you feel deeply about. And I am a little bit excited about the future, your future.
I hope today goes well and that you go out with a bang. I'll be thinking of you, and looking forward to hearing from you again. x
reading this post is heart-wrenching, and that's just my heart, the heart of someone who's never even met you, so how your heart must be feeling….well, I just hope it gets through the day. You express yourself beautifully and I am so sad for you and yet, like the commenters above, I also feel a strong sense of hope. You are so talented and maybe leaving the cello behind will allow you to pour more of your creative energy into photography and everything else? I'll be thinking of you today.xxx
A beautiful, brave post Jay. You're such a talented woman, and you've given a lot to music but your photography is something to look forward to. Good luck with today's performance, wring every last second of enjoyment out of it before moving on.
Although I think you should do one more performance – one for all your bloggy friends who'd love to hear you play.
I have an autograph from you, in my school leaving book. Saying that one day you'd be world famous… then you drew a pic of you and your cello. Well… you are famous, but not with your cello. You're famous cause you write stuff like this, and reach people. Jay, whatever you do, you will excell. You reach people in a way I don't think you fully realise. Be encouraged, whatever path you take, enjoy it and don't have regrets. The past makes us who we are now and youre amazing
xxx
Just… beautiful. Heartbreaking. Inspiring. I hope the open doors stay open, and that they prove to have all you hoped for behind them. You deserve so, so much greatness! Thank you for sharing. Gorgeous photos, too. Love the one with you smiling w/ the cello on your lap!
Thinking of you today (and shedding a tear actually). Ends are really the same as beginnings, but you know that anyway.
There is so much history here that I don't have but I feel your pain and I want to hold out my arms and hug you hard. Jay, never say never, sometimes for reasons unknown to us shit happens but years later when you look back you'll suddenly 'see' why it had to happen. As you say, you can be proud you tried 100% and no one can take that from you.
Here always rooting for you
Gorgeous post and beautiful photographs. You’re very much in my thoughts today xxx
Gorgeous post and beautiful photographs. You are very much in my thoughts today xxx
This post gave me goosebumps. I am so happy for you and so sad at the same time. Sad that you had to experience all the bad things and happy that you have found peace with it all and are ready to move on to new things – and the hope that you have for the future.
I hope it goes really well today. You are in my thoughts.
I don't know what to say, but I wanted to say something. This is too huge to just read and not comment, not say something, but I don't know what the right thing to say is.
So I'm going to say this:
This is not the end, it's a new beginning, and who knows where this path will take you. What I do know is it's clearly the right path for you now. I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, I understand how truly heart wrenching this must be for you. But always remember how many people are with you on this journey. You are a remarkable lady and you are loved and respected by so many, just for being YOU – not you and a cello, often you and a camera, but always just you.
Sending you love, hugs and strength today and always xxxxx
Ps, the second photo of you here is bloody gorgeous! Love it
xxx
Ah Jay, I'm letting a few tears roll for you. What a moving post.
Here's to the good times and new beginnings.
xxxxxxxx
Oh my love…How sad and very moving. Yet a new begining, another path to follow. I'll be thinking of you lovely lady, and just cause I can…..BACON COCK!!!!!!! (made you smile huh?)
Oh god, now you're making me cry too!
I've seen your tweets saying it all went well now and I'm so pleased for you.
Try not to think that what you "should" have done, everything that has happened has brought you to this point, it has built you up, shown you your skills, let you find your real passions.
You're bloody amazing!
Sending love and cocks wrapped in bacon to you!
xxxxxxx
((((Jay))) You have been in my thoughts today. I can not pretend that I really know what is going on for you but somewhere deep inside I must have an affinity as my SS post was due to be called broken and it changed to 'Time to change' both of which apply and it is the same photo for both. I ust knew I had to dedicate it to you, but not in a bad way if that makes sense. Today is the start of something beautiful for you – you will blossom from here.
Mich x
Thinking of you tonight. Hope your last performance was a stunning one for you. I am the lead singer with a band and I haven't played since August (when I left to be a mummy). They are keeping my position open and I am due to go back in April. I left gigging for about 2 years after playing with my previous band for about 10 years but I had to go back to it. It was like having my arm cut off and I have realised that I need my music for my sanity! At least you know the orchestral door is always open and you can go off to pursue your new photography dream (your photos are brill btw). x
Have been thinking of you this evening – hoping you're ok
Can't really find the words to say more without being mawkish but most of all hope you're ok
Only just discovered you, so will have a little look around. Really stopped by to check out the creator of Silent Sunday (did my first Silent post last week). Ok I've cut n pasted the code, I've got the badge, can't wait for the opportunities to let the photos do the talking, instead of my (hitherto very sporadic) rambling. Lovely photography btw, sorry about your music career (I am in the script editing business, one day, when my girls allow me to keep a bit more sane, I have a writing career to at least attempt, if not succeed at). All I gas on about is my girls and my dogs (and occasionally my man). Time to change that and use the blog as a platform for writing debate (yes, I'm a bit slow off the mark to say the least). Nice to have found you.
You are so strong. So so so strong and I really admire u for keeping at your music career through all those hard times. You inspired so many of your pupils and I think, in a way, they achieved some of those things that you never had the opportunity to. I seriously loved it every week when you came in to teach Sarah and Flo cello and you helped them improve sooo much! not only that but you were one of the best friends all of us had at that time, and you got us through a lot. Everything happens for a reason, and I just KNOW that your photography career is going to be BLOODY brilliant! can i book you in advance for my wedding, whenever that may be? lmao
Oh you are so brave. I've read this now for the first time and your hurt and anger is so apparent. I really hope that in time you don't look back at your time with your cello as a time of missed opportunities but instead remember all the good times that you had because of it. All the wonderful events that you've been involved in.
Now chin up!
Wow I never knew this about you. Music as well as photography? What a supremely talented woman you are.
So sorry you didn't get the encouragement and support you needed.
It's hard to think of you as not fitting in or lacking in confidence. You are such a popular and welcoming part of the blogging world I entered less than a year ago.
Feel like this post helps me get to know you a little more. And I hope you're happier now xxxx
(Found this post through #BlogMissionImpossible on Her Melness Speaks).
Popping back via HerMelness RT. Surprised I didn't comment last year. This post is still fresh, powerful and painful to read and it's not about me. Can't imagine how it makes you feel.