April 2011 Archives - mocha beanie mummy

How I Know Noah is My Kid

April 27, 2011 By mocha beanie mummy 16 Comments

N: Mommy, my wee wee coming

Me: Ok, go and pee

N: Ok, and Isaac won’t eat it.

Me: Um…ok.

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Me: Noah I need you to eat some cheese on toast.

N: Mommy, I already tried it.

Me: I know you tried it, can you please just eat it?

N: Mommy I want something else.

Me: Well eat the crusts on the toast then.

N: Ok, thank you, mommy.

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

(Trying to put his burpee in a suitcase, unfolded)

N: It won’t fit! It won’t fit!

D: Of course it won’t fit Noah! Not like that!

N: It won’t fit Daddy, it just won’t fit.

D: You’re funny you are.

N: Yes, I know.

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Me: What do you want for dinner Noah?

N: Um, chicken and lamb and sausages and meat.

Me: Any vegetables?

N: Yes; peas, carrots and sweetcorn please, but more meat.

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

N: I can play games [on the iPhone] now mommy?

Me: No Noah, the phone is charging.

N: Mommy it’s not charging.

Me: Yes it is Noah.

N: Mommy, it’s not plugged in. It’s not charging. I can play games now mommy?

Me: (dammit.)

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Me: What are you doing Noah?

N: I’m dipping my [cheese] breadsticks into my [pineapple, coconut and banana] fruit juice, of course. Silly mommy.

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

N: Look mommy, I got a cup.

Me: Wow Noah! What did you get that for?

N: Because I’m a good boy, silly mommy! I say please and thank you!

Filed Under: Conversations, Noah

Depression, Confusion and a Comforting Familiarity

April 25, 2011 By mocha beanie mummy 7 Comments

You never stop fighting it. I realise that now. Even with the amazing sunshine making it easier, and the job going really well, and the kids being brilliant and whatever. The fight is always there.

I’m exhausted. In general. Everything exhausts me. And all I want to do lately is shout a hell of a lot. At people, at nothing in particular…I want to shake people into realising that, just because I have a smile externally? Does not mean everything is fabulous internally. My head never stops fighting. It never stops shoving The Voice into the dark and rather ominous corner. It is always whizzing and whirring, trying to keep busy. Trying not to think, while having so much to think about.

I hate being silenced. It pisses me off. I don’t know why I feel silenced. There’s so much going on right now, and it all pisses me off. My impatience gets the better of me, and I feel frustrated and confused. My own brain rushes ahead of my own body, and it frustrates me because I don’t know how to deal with it. I become more depressed, because I feel like I can’t even control my own thoughts.

It’s like a switch, I guess, a switch I spend my entire life wondering if I will ever be able to turn off.

I’m so tired.

The internal fighting doesn’t stop until after I fall asleep, and rages on within a split second of waking up. I wish I could stop thinking. My own mind pictures itself taking my brain out of my head and just leaving it on a shelf. I could just be an empty shell, cabbage-like, and not have to give a shit about anyone or anything.

I remember, years ago, when I was right at the bottom of the Slippery Slope. I remember being so doped up on meds, I didn’t know what day it was, at the time I didn’t even know who I was. I remember, vaguely, sitting in an armchair, being completely unaware of anyone around me. I want to say “blissfully unaware”. It was blissful. Because I didn’t have to think. I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t think for days, maybe weeks on end. It was blissful. And sometimes I miss that.

Is that wrong? It was a part of me for so long…not thinking, being able to shut my brain down. Not wondering about anything or anyone, not giving a shit about anyone else, not caring about anyone else, what they were thinking or feeling. Is that selfish? That I want to be that way again? That I want to say to the world “actually, I don’t give a shit about you anymore. I’m going to stop caring about how you feel. I’m going to stop being bothered by how you’re feeling. I don’t give a flying fuck if everything in your world is fabulous or if your entire life is falling apart.”

Have I burnt myself out? No…surely not. Even as I’m typing this, my brain is brimming with yet more ideas; more thoughts on why this is as it is. Maybe I have seen both sides of the fence, lived in that “greener grass”. I have been to the bottom of the bottomless pit of Selfishness. I have seen what it is to not care one tiny fraction about anyone else. And that horrible selfish feeling taught me some lessons. So I swung to the other side. Swung too far? Maybe. I cared about everyone else instead. I devoted time and patience to so many other people. I forgot about myself. I ignored myself, my own needs.

Words I never thought I expected even contemplate entered my mind the other day. I don’t know who I am without depression. As soon as I heard it in my head, the thinking raged a whole new battle. More words I never expected to hear within myself. I miss depression, wasn’t it easier being depressed? I hated myself, because I couldn’t stop the thoughts from coming. I can’t believe for one second they were there. That I thought them. After all I have been through.

I want to tell the world to go away. To give me a break. To just piss off already. People seem to think I’m strong; that I can take on anything. That I can be their punchbag. That I can be their stable source of entertainment. That, at their disposal, I can give them what they want to make them feel better. What can people do for me? Can people match my “strength”? Can someone take away the thinking?

Can someone please give me my depression back?