May 2011 Archives - mocha beanie mummy

My camera is just getting started, so don’t underestimate me yet.

May 31, 2011 By mocha beanie mummy 5 Comments

For all the stress I’m having with my wedding photography, I need to just remember a few small details.

First of all, I have only been doing wedding photography for barely a year. I am mostly self taught. Sure, I’ve done second shooting for a couple of weddings which has been WONDERFUL (thank you, Alan) and have received some brilliant business help and advice (thank you Darren, Anthony and Tom). But honestly? I did my first wedding roughly a year ago. I am a n00b. And I need to remember that. Many photographers who have been in the industry 20 to 30+ years, will look at people like me, assume I’m another one jumping on the bandwagon, and expect me to have faded out in a year or so. And I sure as hell don’t expect them to help me out at all. But that’s ok.

I’ve done 15+ years in the wedding industry anyway, and have observed everything from a very young age. Don’t underestimate me. I should never be underestimated. Ever.

For the most part, I’ve done it on my own. Started everything from absolute scratch, with the bear essentials for equipment. I’ve begged borrowed and been IMMENSELY thankful for anything I’ve managed to “collect” along the way. I am ridiculously lucky enough to own the equipment I currently have; I’ve built it up insanely quickly in the space of a year. I have taken out no loans and have not approached the bank at all, but had D and his family support me via birthday and Christmas presents. I’ve taught myself to use everything I own. I’ve spent hours and hours reading internet articles, subscribing to pro magazines with my few pennies, lurking and asking for help and advice wherever I think anyone might be willing to divulge precious info.

It’s amazing how difficult that has been.

Having researched college/night courses, it soon became obvious they were never going to quench my thirst; the schedules barely touching on the things I craved to know. So I figured if I wanted to learn something, I was just going to have to get out there and just do it. There are a frillion settings on my cameras. I don’t read the manuals, I’m learning by doing. And I’m learning bloody fast. I haven’t got time to sit around reading manuals when equipment is waiting, begging to be used.

I really need to remember that people do seem to like my stuff. The interest taken in Rock The Frock has been amazing and yet frustrating – I’m trying to work out how to travel round half the country to get these photo shoots done.* Surely that must tell me something. People are still requesting maternity and newborn photo shoots. The odd person here and there wants a child portrait shoot. Surely this is promising? They can’t ALL be humouring me, right?

Anyway. I’ve written this entry because sometimes, when I’m wallowing as ever in my own self pity, and can’t cope with thinking and how my mind is working, this is the sort of stuff I need to remember. I’m not shit. I’m not great, but like I said, I’m just getting started, right?

* If I’ve spoken to you on twitter about Rock The Frock, your shoot may possibly still be free (until I end the offer, obviously) but I’m going to have to start charging for travel expenses. Otherwise I’m going to have to sell Noah (he’s bigger and more educated, and so would make more money) and that would really piss off the families and stuff.

Filed Under: assvice, JMP, Just...everything., photography

I like to Love It, Love It (Love It)

May 30, 2011 By mocha beanie mummy 4 Comments

It’s a Cybermummy sponsor post, so when you get to the end, you can’t whine and moan that I didn’t tell you straight up.

However, if you’re the sort of mom that I am (kick ass, in-your-face, take-no-crap) then you might want to read on. Because my Cybermummy 11 sponsor, at Love it Love it Love It, is a lady who knows. She keeps it awesomely simple: “Bright and Colourful Kids Clothes, Guaranteed to brighten your day”. And she’s bloody right too. I can’t often bear pastels and twee and vomity bunny rabbit cuteness. I appreciate I probably just alienated/insulted a lot of people, but I’m sorry. It’s just not for me. Give me hardcore colours. Bright characters. The stuff that you can see from about 17 miles away. I like to walk into a room full of kids and be able to spot mine instantly from their clothes. (clickem to biggem)

She sent over a couple of t-shirts for the boys, and I have to say I was insanely excited when I ~~ripped open and shredded the packaging in my excitement~~ carefully opened the parcel. And omg, WOULD YOU PLEASE LOOK AT THE GORGEOUS TEE SHIRTS SHE SENT FOR THE SMALLS.

Noah is a cheeky little monkey. There are no two ways about it. He’s obviously funny, but I swear he gets this mischievous grin and a glint in his eye…well this tee shirt was spot on.

It’s the softest fabric for a kids tee that I have felt in a LONG time. Perfectly made, no flaws in the stitching and has already survived it’s first wash and tumble dry without shrinkage, mis-shaping, fading or generally falling apart. Also, I don’t iron clothes. Let’s just state this fact now. The only clothes that get ironed, are D’s work shirts. Maybe his trousers too, if we didn’t get them out the dryer fast enough. We do not iron clothes. Now, I don’t know if these tee shirts are made from some kind of magical wonder, but they don’t need ironing. At all. They’d been folded up in the parcel, and somehow weren’t crumpled to buggery when we opened them up.

WIN. WITH WRINKLE-FREE KNOBS ON.

Isaac is mental on trains and cars at the moment. We are awoken each morning with him singing “ROARY!! THE RACING CAR!!!!” at the top of his voice, or making train noises and then laughing hysterically. So Ruth sent him this.

If he isn’t watching Roary or Cars, you can find him curled up exactly like this on the lounge floor amidst a mass of trains and tracks, very quietly watching wheels and things. He pointed and shouted at his tee shirt a lot when he saw it. Again, the quality is excellent, if not flawless. Even D commented, and normally he just wants the boys to have clothes, not have to worry about said clothes and be done with it. He was VERY impressed.

These are the sort of clothes where you buy them and stop worrying. I asked for slightly larger sizes so they had growing room, but this stuff looks like it’s going to last for yonks. The boys are forever throwing themselves around the lounge now (you could probably choke on the testosterone fumes in this house) and much of their stuff doesn’t seem to last a week, showing wear and tear within one wash. ANNOYANCE.

I have to be honest, after my “screw you PR, I ain’t writin’ no twee prissy shit to keep you happy” blog rant, I was gobsmacked to actually end up turning down offers of Cybermummy 11 tickets. However when Ruth stepped up, having seen her stuff, I knew I’d be mental to turn her down. My sponsor needed to be on the same wavelength as me, and when someone comes along with goodies like the above, It just made SENSE.

I can’t thank Ruth enough for the boys clothes. I have since decided I love her, and will probably spoon her a bit should I ever get to meet her in the flesh.

Noah and Isaac will probably say thank you, too.

Filed Under: AWESOMENESS, Clickem to Biggem, Cybermummy11, Love It Love It Love It Tagged With: Bright, Bright & Colourful Kids Clothes, Children, Clothes, Clothing, colours, Cybermummy, Cybermummy 11, Kids, Love it Love it Love it, Review, Toddlers

Silent Sunday

May 29, 2011 By mocha beanie mummy 40 Comments

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~
What is Silent Sunday?

Filed Under: Clickem to Biggem, Silent Sunday

So, no pressure then.

May 23, 2011 By mocha beanie mummy 23 Comments

Two years ago, D’s Grandma died when Noah was about 5 or 6 months old. She never met Noah, despite the fact that her nursing home was only 10 minutes drive from our house. I never really knew her; her mind was “gone” for most of the time I knew her, and she had no idea who I was. I often felt uncomfortable, yet I always feel guilty for not taking him. D almost never visited her; he wanted to remember her how she used to be. So…yeah the whole thing was very strange for me.

My Grandfather is in Jamaica. He is in his late 80s, and surprisingly still a spring chicken. He was still climbing trees over there maybe 8 years ago, and as a minister over there, he often drives nearly 100 miles most days, visiting churches and people. His mind is starting to go; I’m pretty sure he had a very minor stroke in the last 2 years. Noah has met him, although he was only 3 months old. Granddad has never seen Isaac in the flesh.

And here lies the guilt. My mom is organising the whole family to go over and see him this year for what will most likely be the last time. D and I need to find flights and accommodation for us and the boys, in the school holidays. Peak time. Everyone else is going for 2 weeks. We can barely afford to go for one.

At the moment, D is working just about every humanly possible, running on about 4-5 hours sleep a night. He sees the boys, on average, 1 hour a day. Actually that’s not fair; he sees Noah for about one and a half hours a day, Isaac gets around 30 minutes a day. Evening comes where I then plunge myself into my own work, doing all I can to put myself out there with practically no money. Self employed – you have to spend it to earn it, right? Well I don’t see how I’m supposed to do that with nothing to spend in the first place.

Truth is, we’re at risk of all going our separate ways and becoming a really disjointed family, just to secure some kind of future. Every single day I am infuriated by the tiny amount of time D spends with the boys, but I know there’s very little I can do about it. Every day I hate that I’m not getting in more work, but I’m doing all I can about it. I have to spend the money to make the money. Once I start making the money then I can put some aside to get the boys to see their Great Grandfather.

I never met my Great Grandparents.

Even as I’m writing this, D has called me from work (where he’s been since about 5am) to say his Uncle has been rushed into hospital; he has prostate cancer and has had a suspected heart-attack. I’m trying to remember if Isaac has met him. Fleetingly, perhaps, maybe when Isaac was a few months old? I can’t remember.

I wanted to go and spend some time with some people I really want to visit, this month and next. I had about 5 or 6 visits arranged. Guilt kicked in didn’t it? I’ve cancelled most of those visits now; down to two, and one of them is work related. I hate people thinking I might be being selfish. I am not a selfish person. I’ve spent the last month working out what I can sell to raise funds to get Noah and Isaac to Jamaica. Sure, we live reasonably comfortably. A lot of the gadgets I have here aren’t top of the range by any means, but they sure aren’t cheap. However, I make sure I can justify them all (and I only feel I should have to explain myself to me or D).

I’m frustrated. I hate our lives the way they are at the moment. I hate D not seeing his children. It actually pisses me off immensely. I hate barely having a relationship with him, just because we’re both slogging our asses off to make ends meet, to make things happen. And yet, strangely enough, we sort of agreed to this. He decided on the options – they were very fair options – and I agreed with him which option we should choose.

I chose this life.

I wonder if I made a mistake. I wonder if I’m suffering on the verge of heartache to make ends meet. I’m wondering if I’m sacrificing my relationship(s) to make everyone happy, to meet everyone else’s needs, to keep other people sweet. To keep people off my back. Is it easier? Surely it’s easier, right? The boys will see their Great Grandfather. D (who is also freelance) will generate more and more work for himself and hopefully not succumb to the job losses everyone else is suffering. I… well I don’t know. I feel like my hands are tied. I feel like I need the release of freedom to just work (how in the hell does that even make sense?), generating leads, increasing my portfolio, taking more bookings.

Sitting here crying and feeling pathetic, I do not know what to do. I’ve spent a fortune on advertising and I’ve gotten next to nothing from it apart from a very beaten purse. I can’t afford wedding fayres because I can’t afford the products to take along to them because I’m not generating the work because I’m not “out there” enough because..well. The circle continues. You get the idea.

At what point do I give all of this up as a very bad idea? How long can I keep going like this? Am I even strong enough for this? Why did I think I would be?

I think I should just stop kidding myself now.

I think I should just stop.

Filed Under: Depression, family, Just...everything.

I Love Cbeebies.

May 23, 2011 By mocha beanie mummy 6 Comments

Truth be told, I actually love the Cbeebies presenters.

…

That’s a lie.

I love Sid Sloane. In fact, I “heart” Sidney Sloane.

…

I <3 Sidney Sloane.

I wasn’t even hopped up on painkillers, but on Thursday night I had a dream that Sid and I were fighting in battle. With weird Samurai Dungeons and Dragons style crystal studded ninja axes. They were pretty cool.

Anyway, I nearly beheaded Sid by accident, and I was OBVIOUSLY mortified. So by way of apology, we decided to make out. Only, I’ve just had a tooth extracted, haven’t I? So making out would be REALLY gross, right?

So I gave him a back rub instead.

FYI Turns out Sid has a lovely back. Who knew?

Anyway, I admitted on twitter that I fancy Sid Sloane. And I’d give him a back rub ANY DAY. I wouldn’t even charge him for it. However, I’m wondering if I should tell him I’m not a celebrity stalker.

Funnily enough, Sid hasn’t accepted my friend request on yet. I think it’s because I asked not to tell him , but it turns out .

I reckon he did it because .

You and me Sid, you and me. Everyone just watch this space.