My Granddad lives in Jamaica. He’s got to be about 80 something now, maybe 86? He’s kind of plain damn awesome. As a kid, when he lived in London with my now departed Granny, I spoke to them on the phone every single day. Without fail. I can’t even imagine what the phone bill was like; I was only 6 and too young to know/care. I visited them in London for the last time aged 7, then they moved to Jamaica for good. When they moved, I had dreams/nightmares about how I was ever going to stay in touch with them. One of the dreams was recurring and I can still recall it in exact details now.
Then she died and my world crumbled a lot. I was 8. I didn’t want to understand, but I did. Perfectly well.
Which left Granddad on his own, although he did re-marry. I was there in Jamaica for the wedding; Granddad had come to the UK; I travelled to Jamaica with him, then travelled back completely alone. I was 9. From there, I didn’t get to speak to him so much. We sent letters, had the odd phone call, but we drifted. I still adored him, he was AWESOME. He made me laugh with his stories, I had respect for him as an incredibly well known minister on the whole island of Jamaica. I still do.
I’ve seen him 3 times in the last 10 years. The first time, I think in 2000 when I was in the middle of being horribly ill, saw him graduating with yet another degree and still climbing trees picking fruit for me and my sister. Covering much of the north of Jamaica, by car, every single day. He had boundless energy, unlimited stamina.
When I went back, it was with D for our honeymoon. I noticed the change, then. He was slower, so much slower, but still alert somehow.
A year later we were back to surprise him with his great grandson Noah. It hit home. I knew he was going. He didn’t remember stuff…he would tell me the same story he told me just 5 minutes ago…he’d drift off on a regular basis, mid-sentence…it’s not even big stuff, right? It’s just little stuff! Almost expected, let’s face it. He’s like, 80 something by this point. But it’s SO noticeable.
I wanted (so badly) for the 4 of us to go over and visit him this year. He’s never met Isaac, and only saw Noah when N was barely 3 months old. It bothers me that suddenly, only now, when he asks for them he remembers their names. Everyone (like, as far as I’m aware everyone) in my family is going to visit him this October. Aunties, uncles, cousins, siblings their respective partners. D and I are working so hard to make ends meet, I pretty much said if all of us can’t go, then none of us are going. It just wouldn’t feel right.
Last week D booked a ticket and hotel for one.
Turns out I’m going.
I’m not sure I want to. I’m not sure I want to see what I’m going to see. My mind is mourning in advance, and I’m fighting everything to stop my heart from reacting. I’ve toughened my exterior, but I don’t know what I’m toughening it for.
How selfish am I? I’m not sure I want to go.
Hi. I'm new to your blog and am enjoying it.
Gosh this is hard. To see someone so vital and active grow old.
He sounds like an incredible man who's led a wonderful life.
Imagine if you don't go. I am sure you will regret it for the rest of your life.
What a fabulous post. It made me cry.
And made me envious that I didnt have this kind of relationship with my grandparents.
thanks for sharing.
You must go and see him. I hadn't seen my grandfather for 2 years and then he passed away. I spent months feeling so guilty for not taking any opportunity I had to go to India and see him. My grandmother is now 80. I saw her this year for the first time in two years, and like you say, the difference in her is so noticeable. Forgetting things, repeating the same stories, etc. But I know I'll have to take every chance I can to keep going back to see her…
I'm glad your going. And although it doesn't feel like it now you will be glad you went.
Take photos and videos of the boys and your life in England. I know it's not the same but it's the next best thing.
You must go! What a lovely thing for D to do for you.
It will be hard, but so much harder if you don't go.
Hi please tell me to shut up if you think I am sticking my nose in. But me and Mom were talking about you the other night about your cello, your photography etc etc. And I thought, maybe….just maybe, if you really didn't think you would ever play again, maybe you could sell your cellos/a cello to help fund this trip so all of you could go? I wish I could help you so that all of you could go, if I think of a way then I will let you know!
Felt the same way about my dad when he was dying of lung cancer, about a decade ago. "Mourning in advance" pretty much covers it.
Oh lady
I know that you really want to take the whole family, but if that's not possible and you can still go then that is better than nothing. It will be hard to see someone who was so full of life be old (I am experiencing the same thing with my 82 year old granny) but if you don't go I think you will probably come to regret it. Could you take your eyepad and face time home so he can at least chat to the boys? Sending you big slobbery kisses and huge hugs xxx
It is sad you can't take everyone, but a chance to say goodbye is a blessing. You will be glad you went.
Stay strong babe. No matter how conflicted you feel about it now, you will never regret seeing him one last time later. Believe me.
You will not regret it, I was the same going to visit my paternal grandma abroad but am so glad I saw her one last time.
Its great that you have a ticket to go, but feel your pain at not being able to take the whole family with you. I've been putting off my trip to Dominica to visit my grandparents because we can't afford to go as a family, but each year we do it I'm scared I may miss my chance to say goodbye.
I can 100% relate to this post. My parents live in Australia, and I moved here 9 years ago. We did the trip in Feb 10 with my husband and then new baby (who had been born 3 months prem). It was a celebration, and a joyful journey. Then my world collapsed in October 10. Mum had cancer. Dad had life threatening pancreatitis. We moved heaven and earth and toddler and I went in February.
It's the worst thing, isn't it? I want all four of us to go; I couldn't bear splitting us up to go. I think that would fill me with even more regret, strangely enough. I'm grateful to be going, but I can't help that feeling of dread. I just hope I can get us all out there before it's too late.
Oh Jay, I really feel for you. I know it must feel awful to not be able to take your boys with you, but I think it's really important that you go. The last time I got to see my Nan I almost didn't make it because of work commitments, but my boss told me to go and I'm so glad I did. I hope in time you'll be able to work out a way for Noah and Isaac to be able to get to Jamaica too, but until then, you owe it to yourself to go. And if I win the lottery between now and then, I promise I'll buy you four first class tickets. xx
Thanks so much lovely. I hate more than anything that we can't all go, it feels weirdly selfish somehow. Granddad asks for them all the time, but I know I can't stay here. GAHHH. It sucks but I have to go. Weirdest dilemma ever. x
I really feel for you, it must be so hard to family so far away. As so many others have said, you will regret not going for the rest of your life even tho' it's SO difficult, leaving the family, and knowing what you will find when you get there. love to you all xx
Thank you so much. For so long I've pretty much been refusing to go just because we can't all go. It's only the realisation that I might not even get another chance making me realise I'd be a fool to stay, right? Urgh. Thank you again x
First: the biggest hug possible.
This choked me up, because I feel that I spent the three years prior to my Grandads' death thinking about every visit in the same way. I was terrified of how he may have deteriorated, consumed with guilt for not being there on a daily basis, of saying goodbye in cae this time is the goodbye. He passed away last November, ten days before I was due to fly across again and let him feel my son kick his hand through my belly. I miss him everyday, and it breaks my heart he never felt that kick, will never meet my son, but I cherish those memories we made on each and every trip. Distance is hard. Often too hard to put into words.
My advice, for what it's worth; go. Go and cuddle him – a cuddle from each of the boys and your other half, too. Take photos and videos and share stories of your sons. Cherish the moments that you have left and store each and every detail of him in your mind to tell your boys how amazing your Grandad is. (He sounds awesome)
x
Ok, I don't even know where to start with this comment because it's almost made me cry (I don't do crying over comments). You are so right, and yes, I understand so much where you're coming from. I'm hoping to tale every bit of media I can lay my hands on – masses of photos, vid clips, we'll skype if poss – I hate not knowing if it's all going to be the last time, and constantly wondering if it is going to be enough. He is indeed awesome – Of my entire family I think he actually means the most to me, I don't respect anyone as much as I respect him. I WILL go. I just wish it was going to be easy. Thank you so much for your incredibly kind words xxx
You have to go, you will regret it. It is so hard having family live so far away and not being able to take all your family with you, but you can pass on their love and you can pass it back. Hugs x
Oh that is so incredibly hard for you, but you must, must go!
My Grandfather ( my best friend, my rock, still after being gone for 10 years) passed away and I managed to see him just one last time. We had moved out of our area and I came alone. I can remember every minute I held his hand and how he smelt when I kissed him for the last time. It was the hardest thing I ever had to to do and I just knew I wouldn't see him again as the boys needed me at home.
My hubby lost his mum last year and he flew to Australia on his own to see her for one last time. It's just something that you have to steel yourself to do; she never ever saw the twins, that's something I still feel sorry for but I did send her mini albums full of pics to keep with her always so she could show her friends ( small consolation but it was all I could really do).
As to the not wanting to see the change in him, I think that's the hardest part of all. I look after my Grandmother and some days I call and say I can't come. I feel like the shittiest Grandaughter ever as I'm the only relative she has here but I just can't face watching her struggle to move/eat/hear blah blah. She's like my mother and I adore her but it's just awful to see. If I'm having a really good day the thought of going there and locking the door in tears is just too much to cope with.
I really hope that you manage to take all of you to see him but if you don't don't beat up yourself for it, life throws crap like this at us the older we get, Savour every precious second you have with him xx