October 2011 Archives - mocha beanie mummy

My brain still hurts from Jamaica

October 31, 2011 By mocha beanie mummy 6 Comments

Jet lag is severely kicking my ass. So I’m going to fob you off (again) with some pictures of The Smalls being all domesticated and cute and stuff. I didn’t have to edit these photos, unlike the 49 frillion photos from the photo shoots before I went away. So you know, total cop-out in this post.

It’s amazing how willing they are to wash their hands when they know cake will follow.

Somehow, this kid can break eggs and NEVER get shell in the mix. Unlike his mother.

Somehow he does the same. And he tells you about it too.

Note to self: Check blender thingy is working before you start baking.

I love it when they do the hard work.

They currently sniff everything. Everything.

The cakes were slightly browner than I would have liked, but that’s what happens when you are consumed by the urge to sleep. Still, they didn’t care.

It’s cake, innit?

Filed Under: family, food, Isaac, mocha beanie mummy, Noah, photos, pictures

Silent Sunday

October 30, 2011 By mocha beanie mummy 12 Comments

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What is Silent Sunday?

Filed Under: Silent Sunday

Dear So and So…Mail Fail Whale Wail

October 28, 2011 By mocha beanie mummy 5 Comments

Dear PR

Oscar. Mike. Golf.

Must we do this? Must we continually play these games? Must I deal with emails that read as follows:

“I came across [blog name] and saw that you frequently feature giveaways for your readers.”

Uh…really? “[blog name]“? Did you forget? “Frequently feature giveaways”? Um, no. Unless someone else is adding posts to my blog without my knowledge.

Also:

“I’m working with a client in the online flower trade industry. I’ve had a look through http://www.mochabeaniemummy.com/ and think that it would be a brilliant place to obtain some advertising for my client.”

Uh…did you read my blog? Like, really really read it? I’m doubting it, somehow.

I would like to direct you to this post from The Bloggess. Don’t go down this route, mkay?

Yours waiting for an email that is entirely relevant,

Mocah Beeny Mommie

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Dear Hotel Chocolat

I love you, I truly do. However, you seem to have mistaken me for someone super skinny and loaded with wads of cash. I hate to break it to you, but these big jumpers I’m wearing this week? They ain’t hiding no cash. But they’re doing a fab job of insulating the poundage I’ve acquired whilst away on holiday, which I couldn’t afford in the first place.

So please. As per our phone conversations, PLEASE. Stop emailing me. Stop sending me love letters. Stop phoning me. I can’t afford your delicious but rather expensive chocolates. I would love to, LOVE TO, but I really can’t.

It pains me to write this more than you would ever know.

Yours trying to be a skinny rich bitch,

Jay. *weep*

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Dear Canon

Why haven’t you written to me asking me to review your 5d or 1d range yet? Geeze, I’ve been waiting a while now…

Yours, more sincerely than one could ever possibly believe,

Jay

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Dear People Waiting For Me to Email or Mail Them Stuff

I’m totally on top of it all/I’m totally drowning.*

Please delete pending on the importance of your email.

Not at all stressed/immensely stressed,

GAHHHHHH.

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Dear Appleton Estate

I’m still waiting. *hic*

Jay xxxxxx

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Dear readers

GO. NOW.

Filed Under: asshats, assvice, Dear So and So, PR

A series of Posts About Jamaica Part II: The Leap of Insanity

October 27, 2011 By mocha beanie mummy 18 Comments

So, you know when you go somewhere and you’re all “yeah, totally gonna relax this holiday, I’m in no mood for high jinx” and you make a mental vow to stick to it?

Yeah that went pissing out the window when on Friday, we went to pick up Granddad and drove for an hour from Montego Bay to Negril. My cousin and bro in law had already decided they were going to do this “jump off a cliff” when they got there; I had no idea what the hell they were talking about.

On the way there, I pulled out my phone and YouTube’d this.

That warning sign at 1’50″? Well that says this:

WARNING
Cliff jumping is dangerous and
serious injury can result such
as spinal and vertebrae fractures,
joint dislocation, muscle and
ligament damage and severe
bruising.
Staff is posted strictly for your
safety to respond to local
authorities should a problem
arise.
Ricks assumes no responsibility
for your voluntary choice to
jump from the cliffs.
Jump at your own risk!!!

The “life guard” at the top was offering no advice apart from saying “READ THE SIGN. And just jump when you’re ready. And don’t forget to leave a tip*.”

My cousin jumped, and I decided that since he was able to surface without being smashed into the cliffs, being swept out to sea or generally dying (it was 30 minutes after a storm and the water was very choppy) then yeah, it couldn’t be all that bad. He survived. As did my bro in law when he jumped minutes later.

It’s quite possible that at the point when my mother realised I was actually going to do it, my girl balls were on the line regardless of whether I survived the jump or not. I’ve never seen someone repeatedly fold a piece of clothing (the dress I was wearing) with considerably obvious restraint. I figured she was going to kill me, but I decided if I was going to die, I wanted to go out in style, you know?

I remember peering over the edge and actually thinking to myself:

“holy fucking Jesus that is a fucking long way down and where the fuck are the rocks in the water Jesus H save me I can’t see the fucking rocks and oh my god how choppy is that water why is it so choppy bastard thunderstorms it looks so much lovelier in the video clip and I think I might vomit now I can’t back out now I’m here though but why the hell don’t I just fall backward and pretend I slipped and hurt my ankle so then I can’t jump and I really wish my knees would stop twitching it’s making it rather difficult to stand here mother of God I took the step backwards and now I’m walking forwards again OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”

So I jumped. I reckon it’s about 60ft from platform to sea, and it was over very quickly, maybe 3 seconds? Despite this I had time to think the following.

“Huh. I appear to have jumped.”

“Blimey this is a long way down.”

“How should I have my legs?”

“Why haven’t I hit the water yet?”

“Ooooh look, it’s the sea.”

You can watch the video below to see if I survived or not.

*Methinks he may not really have been a lifeguard.

Filed Under: Holiday, Jamaica, video, vlog, wtf

A series of Posts About Jamaica, Part I: The Fob Off

October 26, 2011 By mocha beanie mummy 13 Comments

THERE IS TOO MUCH TO WIRTE AND THERE ARE A FRILLION PHOTOS AND I HAVE WORK TO DO AND EVERYONE IS GIVING ME GRIEF FOR IGNORING THEM AND I AM DROWNING IN WORK AND REAL LIFE SO PLEASE DO NOT SHOUT AT ME BECAUSE I CAN SHOUT LOUDER HAH HAH AND I HAVE 2 CHILDREN ON HALF TERM HOLIDAY AND A HUSBAND WHO WANTS SOME LOVING SO I AM FOBBING YOU OFF WITH SOME PRETTY UNDERWATER PHOTOS FOR THE TIME BEING BUT COME ON WE ALL KNOW YOU WANTED TO SEE THEM ANYWAY SO JUST HOLD YOUR HORSES BECAUSE THE BLOGGING POLICE REALLY WILL NOT HUNT ME DOWN BECAUSE JUDGING BY THE SPECTACULARLY SHIT PR EMAILS IN MY INBOX ON MY RETURN IT IS QUITE EVIDENT THAT NO ONE READS THIS BASTARD BLOG ANYWAY BUT THAT IS ANOTHER STORY AND JAMAICA WAS VERY WARM AND I SAW MY GRANDDAD WHICH WAS THE AIM SO THAT IS A GOOD THING.

…

Clickem to biggem, please to enjoy.

Also, if you ever want to scare your mother shitless, do this jump shortly after her nephew and her son in law do it. Right after a thunderstorm with the water still choppy.
Jamaica Oct 11 Underwater Cam-16 © Jay Mountford Photography My video to follow. Once I figure out how the hell to rotate it. Heh.