This post was written anonymously and submitted to Blognonymous for publishing on this blog. Please feel free to leave your help and support should you wish, in comments below. Many thanks.
oOoOoOoOoOo
To look at me, to know me, you’d never know it was a part of me.
I used to think everyone knew just by looking at me. That was when I was much younger.
As I grew older and wiser I knew there was no way anybody could know it was a part of my life.
These days it gets me like a bolt of lightening, out of the blue- often when I’m in the supermarket.
It’s that isle with all the books of horrid life stories of suffering. It’s that tv program, that movie, that story, that song, that certain date, that advert.
As quick as it hits me, it leaves me. I push it away because it deserves no place in my life.
It gets me mostly in my dreams. My many therapists, councillors, doctors who’ve tried to help it leave me, say that happens when you don’t face it.
The thing is, I have faced it a million times. I’ve talked about it until I’m blue in the face and frankly quite bored of it.
It came into my life when I was 9 until I was 18 and then it took another form now I’m in my thirties.
It is often is inconciderate. Girls nights out, dancing, drinking, having fun and then tales of the old days- our first kisses, first times and there it is. That hard bolt of lightening, shocking me, so for a moment I lose my breath and lose who I am. And again as quickly as it comes it goes.
It’ll never leave me.
It’s part of who I am. It’s why I’m strong and often fearless. Sometimes I’m cold to those that don’t deserve it. Those are my darkest moments and they don’t come very often. I fight them with everything I have. It will never win.
I once believed it would win. It was so strong and out of my control that I could never beat it. But I did.
I was 24. I kicked it into a prison cell along with my step father.
Guilty as charged.
It?
Child sexual abuse.
I hate those words. I call it ‘it’
I’m a survivor not a victim so don’t feel sad for me. Feel glad that I fought it, and talked to the police about it, and it sent somebody away for a long time so they couldn’t do it to anyone else.
And that’s my story. My battle with it.
If you ever suspect it. Report it.
Do something about it. Never be afraid of it. It’s weaker than you think.
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You're so right – it never goes, it's part of you always.
But you are even righter that it is Weaker Than You Think – what an incredibly powerful phrase.
And oh my – yes, yes YES to being frankly bored of it.
Well Done. Speaking up is hard – and even harder to follow through with action. I wish I had been as brave.
What a brave post. I am pleased you reported it, but sorry you had to go through it and live with it. No-one should. I hope everyone listens to the if you suspect, report it. Hugs x
It brings it home that, behind the news headlines and the made-for-TV-movies, real people suffer. People like you. Today has been a day also for me of shining a light on those negative things which survive because they remain hidden, and I stand up and applaud you. HMSx
What a powerful post. Like you i have a friend who suffered the same but she is no victim. if anything it has made her a much stronger person.
If only there were more like you and her that havehad the courage to report it and follow it thru..
All the best…