Blognonymous – I Miss My Son

This post was written anonymously and submitted to Blognonymous for publishing on this blog. Please feel free to leave your help and support should you wish, in comments below. Many thanks.

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Where do you start? I actually started my blog to write about what happened to us because there is nothing out there. But then, and even now, we were so ashamed of the crimes of the father that I did nothing and blogged about life instead. So here I am a few years later in the eye of another storm, a result of what happened  earlier. If this blog seems all over the place it probably is because my brain is scrambled.

To the outsider I am a strong person. I’m an attractive woman with a good job and a nice house. I have got my two children through hell and held a family unit together. It’s not been easy and the road has been a hard one. My ex husband was arrested and found guilty; he showed absolutely no remorse and served an indeterminate sentence.

I have two children, a son and daughter. They have both struggled in their own ways. My daughter seems to be coming through it now and making head way. Self confidence is slowly being restored and a purpose to life regained. My son, who is 17, is a different matter. He has had so many offers of help from counselling to being engaged with more sporting activities to assist him with the stress. All fell on deaf ears. I haven’t got a problem he would insist. As of 4 weeks ago he no longer lives with us. 2011 became the year of hell with his moods swings and levels of violence increasing. He has become addicted to strong marijuana which he felt aided his low self esteem and depression. He has been stealing from me to support his habit once he lost his job. He has no respect for anyone including himself. To release stress he self harms. The abuse towards me has intensified over the past few months to an intolerable level. My health has suffered and I have been in tears on the way home from work worrying about what I will return to.

Pre Christmas he had what can only be described as a drugs psychosis and he scared the life out of me. I didn’t know if he was going to stab himself or me or just smash up the house. I was advised if he ever looked like he was going to do that level of damage to himself, me or the home then I had to ring the police. And that is what I had to do 4 weeks ago. Watching the police officers rush my son to the ground and cuff him will stay with me forever. He was a danger to himself and others as he threatened to slit his wrists. On examination in the cell, whilst superficial, his body was covered in cuts. A good friend was custody sergeant that day and I have a lot to thank him for. We are now on a domestic abuse register and my son spent a very confused week bumming a place to sleep form one friend to another. Fortunately one of my friends stepped in and gave him a place to sleep for a couple of nights and somewhere he listened to what she had to say.

Between us we managed to avoid him going into a hostel and got him some secure accommodation in a student halls even though he only just scrapes through on his age. I helped him move in and he has been home a couple of times for dinner. The first time nearly broke my heart when we took him back. He is a lost soul needing so much help. He hasn’t been to college once since he got a roof over his head, he has little money and hasn’t taken any of the help offered. Apparently he just wants to come home and make things right with me but fails to reply or make any contact even though I put credit on his phone. If he continues not to turn up to college then he will lost the support he has there and they have been absolutely fantastic. He’s tried one session of counselling last week and asked my sister to accompany him. She could tell that he was there because he felt he had to and the counsellor picked up on it too. We doubt he will go again.

When your children leave home I always felt it would be planned with a date in mind and a slow build up. The sense of loss would still be there but you would be there in the back ground helping them on to the next stage of their journey. This is so very different. Every time you think you have hit rock bottom we still fall even further. The worry this has caused me indescribable. This is my child and he’s in a terrible place, mentally. Tough love is hard to administer and I just hope it works! It is my worst nightmare. This is what I thought may happen when the “awful terrible” happened 4 years ago. I have lost a husband and now I have lost my son. I have no idea when this nightmare will end and the only positive is that my daughter and I can move around our home without being frightened and she is getting on with her life and complete her final her at school without being fearful. For that I am eternally grateful.

I cannot begin to describe the feelings of loss I have. After having no contact with his father I have written a letter to my mother in law who seems to be under the impression life is as it was always planned. A levels university and so on. It couldn’t be further from the truth for him. I live in hope that I have known of others who have fallen foul of drugs and depression and but eventually come through it. I don’t how long that will be and when I will see him again. I miss my son and want him back.

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