March 2012 Archives - mocha beanie mummy

Living The Dream. Ur doin it wrong.

March 30, 2012 By mocha beanie mummy 1 Comment

This morning.

This isn’t another one of those “WAAHHHHHHHHH WHY CAN’T I DO ANYTHING RIGHT” posts (well, it is, but heavily disguised), but lately, I seriously question what the fuck I’m doing.

My job, as a photographer, is questioned every single day. Every. Single. Day. And not just once a day, but pretty much every time I inhale. And I breathe a lot, so you know, it kinda adds up. As soon as I declared myself a professional photographer, just over a year ago (that transition was scarier than giving birth), it became my dream. You know how everyone has a dream, right? Rock star? Astronaut? Gynaecologist? Mine was (is) to be a fully fledged professional wedding photographer. Shortly after 2nd shooting my first wedding back in 2010, I started dreaming about weddings. Like, full on, proper dreaming about them. Dreaming about landing the most amazing photos from weddings of all shapes and sizes.

So I decided to have a fucking good stab at living the dream.

And my god, it’s not easy. Of COURSE it’s not easy. I never said it would be. No one did.

But sometimes I wonder if I’m living the dream, but doing it all very wrong. I am a wedding photographer. I am. But am I actually now living in that dreamworld and not actually bringing it to reality? Am I missing some humongous trick to make it to reality? Why, just out of curiosity, does it feel like I’m living my dream, but…something just isn’t quite right?

I think maybe it feels like I’m deluding myself. Like, I am living the dream, but it’s not a dream that can successfully be brought into The Real World. I know in my dream that wedding photography is all glitz and glam, and in the real world, it’s ball aching slog making everything stay together without some questionable stitching (thus, not falling apart at the seams).

So is that the problem? Am I living the dream in a state of reality? Am I living the dream at all? Am I a teensy bit deluded?

Answers on a postcard.

Filed Under: neurosis, pointless crap, Ultimate Stresssss, wtf

All Change, AFK

March 27, 2012 By mocha beanie mummy 2 Comments

I’ve been due for a change for a long time.

A lot of things need to change. Some, I can take my time with, others need to change sharpish. As ever, I’ve been altering some things slowly over a period of time, but since being AFK a little bit more than usual, I’ve gotten a better idea of where I’m going with those changes.

Plus, it’s always nice to look around and see other things changing. Nothing like a good chunk of inspiration to smack you in the face.

(Apart from minor cropping, these are all straight from camera.)

Mocha Beanie Mummy, Spring, March 2012 © Mocha Beanie Mummy

Filed Under: Just...everything., photography, photos

Silent Sunday

March 25, 2012 By mocha beanie mummy 7 Comments

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~
What is Silent Sunday?

Filed Under: Silent Sunday

The Invisible (and Potentially Crap) Parent

March 14, 2012 By mocha beanie mummy 5 Comments

I always used to hate when my mom never came to my concerts as a kid. And given that my dad never even saw me perform on my cello (in 26 years), I gave up on him pretty early on. I knew they were both busy, working hard, avoiding each other, whatever.

But it sucked that as a kid, I was making excuses for them. Giving myself pretty convincing reasons for why they weren’t there (I never believed myself, if I’m entirely honest).

Noah recently had an “Elocution Competition” at school (seriously. Private school, folks, they’re ALL OVER IT) and we had spent ages with each other learning a poem, from memory, and pronouncing it as best as possible. Which is no easy task with a kid who was originally speech delayed.

The friendly cow, all red and white,
I love with all my heart.
She gives me cream with all her might,
To eat with apple tart.

But we did it, we worked on it, he memorised it, enjoyed it, reciting it to himself, asking me for help with it, making up our own versions, and performing it to each other. So at school, he has the elocution competition. I didn’t go. I wasn’t even aware we could go.

I asked Noah how he’d got on; he tells me he didn’t do the competition. “Why not?” I ask him. “Because you weren’t there,” he says.

Ring ring – hello? Yes? Mrs M? Yes, I have guilt trip on the phone for you, he’s been wondering where you’ve been at?

Geeze. Now, I don’t even know the truth to the story yet, I don’t know if he didn’t get to speak because of me, or if it was for some other reason. Noah is very skilled at placating himself by making up an excuse on the spot (wonder where he gets that from…) and it often includes me, or, lack of me.

I’m annoyed that I couldn’t go whether I wanted to or not, and annoyed that I didn’t go (even though I couldn’t). I don’t want to be my mom or my dad, but in light of finding my own balance in life, how am I to do this without feeling so hideously guilty over everything? Actually, I don’t even believe that’s possible.

Do I blatantly ignore him? No. Did I give my all to help him learn the poem without getting frustrated? Yes. So why am I beating myself up? Is it because of, in light of recent awards I’ve seen banded about all over the place, because I didn’t do everything I could for my child, I’m now a failed parent?

There are so many of us out there, who are constantly trying our best, as a mom OR a dad, doing everything we can for our kids. But it doesn’t always mean we’re being seen on the surface, doing these things. It fucks me off to have to deal with this guilt, implied and/or otherwise, just because I’m in the shadows, not out in front of everyone’s faces. Noah, at this age, might not understand it all.

But I tell you what, as long as he understands that if I can be there then I bloody well will be – that’s all that matters. I might be invisible, I might be potentially crap, but dammit. I’m busting my ass to fix it.