June 2012 Archives - mocha beanie mummy

The Smalls cough Outtakes

June 27, 2012 By mocha beanie mummy 9 Comments

Everyone says they’re cute. In our house, cute = crazy.
(It’s a slideshow. There’s more.)

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Filed Under: Isaac, Noah, photos, Stuff to make you laaaauuuuuuugh

Silent Sunday

June 24, 2012 By mocha beanie mummy Leave a Comment

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~
What is Silent Sunday?

Filed Under: Silent Sunday

Where Am I?

June 22, 2012 By mocha beanie mummy 3 Comments

Well at the moment I’m sat at my desk, flicking (stupidly lazily) between Facebook, twitter, Lightroom and Lightblue, my photography business management programme.

Really, I should be running around like a crazy one, charging batteries and clearing memory cards and stuff. Or, I could be packing a bag ready for a(nother) mom blogging conference.

I’m not doing either, because I’m just taking a quick step back to look at where I am.

Not, like, where I am physically at this minute, but perhaps where I am mentally, and where I will be physically.

I’m seeing shit loads of tweets about tomorrow’s conference and I keep thinking, having been snuck under the parent blogging blanket, that I should be really gutted about not going. Instead, I’m stupidly excited to be shooting a wedding, solo, down in London (ironically, for someone whom I met at a parent blogging conference). Perhaps it’s because, after a long time of struggling against my own labels and titles, I’ve broken away into something I can call my own? Something I actually want to be, rather than something I have to be, just because I do?

That makes a lot more sense in my head.

I know I’m not the only photographer out there, of course I’m not. But for so long it’s felt like I’ve wanted to be something more, something bigger for me, something better for me; something I can do and look back on it and say “yeah…I did that. I did that on my own”. Sure blogging is something I do on my own, but I don’t want awards and recognition for being able to let my brain vomit a ton of crap on the internet, since, quite frankly, that’s all my blog is. But the photography – that’s something worthwhile for me and other people. It’s rewarding for me and them. I’ve built up JMP on my own, with support from the best friends and family (who know who they are), and it’s the most satisfying thing ever.

Mentally, weirdly, I’m still dealing with a ton of guilt. I’ve had to plug so much time and energy into this, trying to get it off the ground. The TV has often been used for a baby sitter, and I can’t count the number of times I’ve snuck in some quick processing while The Smalls are taking a bath (20 precious minutes; I can’t tell you how important those minutes are). I hate that I’m missing loads of swimming sessions with them, and I’m not even going to begin to see how many times I’ve passed out on the sofa straight after dinner, and then dragged myself upstairs to go back to work.

I’ve been lonely. I’ve been on my own. With only twitter and Facebook for company, it gets a bit sad and lonely. I’d love to go out and be somewhere else doing stuff, but the threat of falling behind in this busy season scares the shit out of me. I’d like to be seen staying on top of things, managing ok, maybe not FAB, but managing.

I’m in an ok place.

Actually, that’s not fair (on me); I’m in a good place. I don’t know how long it will last, but it’s bloody good to feel like I’m not raging against a system I never wanted to rage against in the first place. My blog doesn’t get much attention these days; I don’t have much to say since I’m often buried in a sea of work. But there’s still stuff I want to document, I just haven’t figured out how to find the right time to do it yet.

Ironically, maybe that’s the curse of living my life? I don’t actually have time to reflect and look back on it? Either way, it’s ok. I’m in a good place, and that’s what matters.

Filed Under: actual happy times, Blogging, JMP, Just a Thought

I mean, it’s not like they care, anyway?

June 19, 2012 By mocha beanie mummy 1 Comment

The Smalls have approximately 3 weeks left at their current school.

We still don’t have a placement for them in September.

Actually, we still don’t have a placement for Noah, because I forget that Isaac hasn’t actually started school yet, in the eyes of Local Education Authorities.

This is all a bit weird.

Especially as it feels like a) I’m taking Isaac out of school, to put him back in nursery, to play all day, and b) I’m not really giving 2 shits about Noah and his education and whether he’ll have a placement come September.

The irony is, neither of those statements are true. That’s what it feels like, but neither are true. Not a day passes by when I think about how much I still want Isaac pushed, given the skills he has developed so far. And yet, on the contrary, I keep saying to myself “he’s just a kid! Kids play! It’s what they DO.” But when you have a kid so willing to learn, so eager to do stuff (“Mommy, can I do my letters? I want to read with Noah. Mommy can we do some counting? I LIKE counting! Mommy let’s do colours. Mommy read this story again!”) is it not ok to feel the need to stay on top of this? Is it not ok to want to maintain this level of enthusiasm, even stay one step ahead at all costs, to nurture and nourish?

Can a nursery honestly say they will do that for me while he is out of my care?

And as for Noah. Sweet Jesus I can’t even begin. Not a day, A DAY, passes by, when I don’t fret about what will happen with him in September. We have had nothing back from the numerous local schools we have applied for, and though we’re not in a position to do so, I actually find myself being fussy about where to send him. Can you blame me? He’s had the highest education possible from the day he set foot on any school premises. He’s learned way more than I could ever teach him, and every day he is a sponge soaking up a ridiculous amount of information. Which he retains and tests us with several weeks later (y’know, just when we thought he’d perhaps forgotten about it).

I don’t proclaim to have a “special” child. I don’t say he’s some kind of savant, or exceptionally gifted, because I honestly have no basis for comparison. He does, however, blow my mind with the things he says and does, and often feel people need or want to spend more time with him to realise where he’s coming from (because it’s not usually where you expect). I do, however, think he is alarmingly bright, and very switched on. And it’s these things (no matter how frigging annoying they are) which I worry will be lost when he won’t have the “intensive” teaching he currently has.

Will I be that parent who jumps on them with a ton of educational stuff the minute they come home from school? Unlikely. We’re all tired when we get through the door at present, and I know they’ve worked their asses off at school. Could it be different when they’re at a less intensive school? Quite possibly. Will I be able to keep it up? I honestly don’t know.

As if all his wasn’t enough, I find myself stressing about how to make him understand that soon, he’ll be having a long break from school, and will then be going to a different school, away from the friends he’s made. Will he care? Is he at that stage to care enough about losing old friends? Most would say “no, and he’ll move on just fine.” Well yes, he will move on, because he has to move on. But I think he will miss his friends. I don’t think he has a problem making new friends, but the irony is that I’m more concerned with how the other kids in his new school will react to him.

Honestly, and probably very selfishly, I’m not looking forward to the prospect of “when will I see my friends again, Mommy?”

Because if that happens, that’s gonna really suck.

Filed Under: Education, Noah, parenting, School

Smart Ass.

June 12, 2012 By mocha beanie mummy 7 Comments

Ok, so, everyone has an intelligent kid. Everyone thinks their kid is super smart, maybe more so than other kids.

We all do it.

At some point.

The thing is, how in God’s name do you deal with it when, not only are they smart, but they know how to use their intelligence to argue a point? And make VALID arguments?

And even more so, how the HELL do you deal with it in the case of a 4 year old?

Noah is getting too smart, for me to handle. I know kids do the whole “why” thing, and want to know stuff. I have never known a kid do the “why” thing, want to know stuff, and then throw it back at you three weeks later when you thought the conversation was long gone.

It’s not big things. Not yet. Just little things. But he’s able to argue, and even though I have reasonable status in the Fine Art of Negotiation, he is able to negotiate around negotiating, and most usually, leaving myself and D asking “how the fuck did he even know half that stuff?”

I wouldn’t mind so much if we were teaching him to be so clued up. I don’t want a clued up kid! *flails and wrings hands* I don’t know how to handle a 4 year old who can hold a conversation like 14 year old!

Of course, it’s great that he’s a switched on as he is. It’s lovely! People talk to him and he holds a valid conversation, they ask me how old he is, I say “4 and a bit”, they look at me like I’m lying, wash, rinse, repeat.

It’s a laugh. Mostly.

But not when it bites you on the ass.

You know that whole “you are a child, and I am the adult, and you are supposed to do as I say because I am in charge” thing, usually reserved for a 6, maybe 7 year old? Yeah We’ve been having that conversation for a few months already. It’s very, very unsettling. I don’t like having that conversation. Because I’m pretty sure that, soon enough, he will therefore be able to argue his way around that too.

I HAVE NO IDEA HOW.

But he seems good at it so far.

(Make it stop. And/or send help.)