Hell no, it’s not time. Yet.

April 30, 2012 By 4 Comments

Last week, I picked up my cello for the first time in 14 months. I took it to a rehearsal I was assigned to photograph, though I left the cello in the car. It wasn’t a full rehearsal, it was just the strings, but the lovely conductor had invited me to play, if I wanted to.

So yeah, the cello sat in the car for a few hours.

I soon realised I wanted to take the cello out of the car, having photographed all I could under the circumstances, but I still wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to actually play it. So I spent maybe 15 minutes trying not to work myself into a frenzy, then took my cello out and sat down.

Of course they were all really welcoming; I couldn’t have asked for them to be lovelier about it.

But it felt weird. It didn’t feel wrong, but it didn’t exactly feel right.

I mean, I could still play, and all, but playing felt very detached, almost alien to me. There was little emotion in what I was playing (didn’t help that it was Mozart, who quite honestly, makes me want to ram my bow in my ear until it comes out the other side, and then move it back and forth desperately hoping to make my own music), and there was that immediate, weird sense of playing because I had to, rather than playing because I wanted to. It didn’t feel crap, but it didn’t feel good.

I think I was always one who never wanted to conform to the dots on the page.

I think this, because I do still want to get my cello out. I don’t want to play for anyone, I just want to play. I don’t know what, but that’s all there is to it. The danger there, though, is that I’ll get to the point where I’ll want someone to hear me play (lord only knows why), whether solo or orchestral. Perhaps because that’s all I know.

I’d love to get back into playing with a band, but so much of it was mundane, and the ONE band I adored playing with stopped performing shortly after I left.

I wondered if picking up my cello and playing again would be like slipping on a pair of jogging bottoms, you know, the favourite pair you’ve had for about 10 years, which you put back on as soon as they’re washed and dried, because they’re comfy; they’re your shape; they’re just right for you.

But it didn’t feel anything like that. Not at all. I’m not surprised, but I’m…I think I’m a little disappointed. I wanted to want to play. It wasn’t there. the spark is still dull.

I wonder if it will ever come back in full force?

Filed Under: Musician, neurosis, Ultimate Stresssss

Is it time?

April 18, 2012 By 6 Comments

It’s been over a year.

I watched these two videos (for the umpteenth time) last night, and wondered, again, if I was missing out.

Wondered, again, if I shouldn’t have stopped.

This weekend, I commence a new photography job.

It’s photographing a small orchestra.

It’s the orchestra I left, the last one, who kept pushing me on for that last year, making it bearable for me. Making it all hurt a little less. They said “bring your cello, it would be lovely if you played with us too.” I want to. I think.

I still hurt. I know.

Is it too soon? I don’t know.

Filed Under: Musician, neurosis

This Week.

February 3, 2012 By 2 Comments

He lives!

Isaac Pox Recovery-1

We are now both suffering from cabin fever, and I’m pretty convinced he’s sick of me now. That’s ok, because Pox Boy is going back to school on Monday, dammit.

It’s been a bloody long week.

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

I WON.

Ice The Cake Wedding Photograph of The Year 2012

And it turns out I didn’t have to pay anyone. You can read more on JMP and on Ice the Cake. OMFG! And thank you.

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

I’ve been asked to go back and perform with an orchestra. I quit professionally a few years ago. My last ever concert was very nearly a year ago, I haven’t picked up my cello since then.

I want to play. I actually want to play. Unfortunately, the thought TERRIFIES me. Maybe I’ll do some of the rehearsals. Play it safe, and all that.

Dammit.

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

In the car

Noah: Mommy can I have a drink please?

Me: Yes, would you like some juice when we get back? I don’t have anything on me now.

N: Ok, yes please.

Isaac: Can I have a drink please Mommy?

MBM: Yes, when we get back Isaac. What would you like?

I: Ummm…wine please.

MBM: …would you like red or white?

I: Ummm…white wine, please.

MBM: …okaaaayyyy…

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

I was so desperate to get into a bottle of wine last night, I managed to shatter the cork, flip the corkscrew off my hand and give myself a massive blood blister on my thumb.

I’m embarrassed. I may have to revert to screw top bottles. And ask Isaac for help.

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

I know we’re over these now, but this one still made me laugh.

Filed Under: actual happy times, Awards, AWESOMENESS, Conversations, illness, Isaac, Musician, neurosis, photography, photos, wtf

Dear So and So…What We Did This Week Edition

February 25, 2011 By 5 Comments

Dear FRIGGING AWESOME LADY KAT, creator of Dear So and So!

It was your birthday yesterday, innit? I hope you had the BEST day EVAR!! Of course, I know it was pretty awesome because not only did you secure your Cybermummy ’11 ticket but you also got an iPad. I am not insanely jealous.* I’m also hoping you got cheesecake. If I ever get paid this year, you’ll also get £10. Life is sweet, eh? ;o)

Fucking HUGE love lady, jay xxx

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Dear Music Career

Goodbye. It’s been fun. But now I’m busy with my photography career. BOO-YAH!

No regrets, Janet Lindsay

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Dear Photography Career

Ok, 2 days in officially as a photographer with no relation to music at all, and you land me 4 new bookings on my plate? TWO DAYS? I bloody love you. I really, really do.

Thanks for being my spring board.

Full of passion, Jay Mountford

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Dear Harry Head of Production, James Mr MD Big Boss Person and Other People from Made In Me

I love you. A lot. And I think The Smalls love you too. A whole lot. You may have just about helped me avoid various crime scenes this half term. Just saying.

Yours, an avid fan, mom of 2 insanely lively Small People xx

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Dear Half Term

If you and I are to meet again, you need to do better. And that includes reminding me to keep an eye on Isaac when he has pens and crayons. And also to pay attention to when Noah has the Play-Doh and announces he’s making coffee granules (seriously, you do NOT want to ignore things like that). I’m watching you, half term. I’m watching you. Alllwaaaays waaaatchiiiing.

Yours with hair mostly still in tact, mom of 2 insanely sly Small People

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Dear People of Teh Interwebs

It’s your turn now, innit? Go on, got get your link-on. And please make sure you wish Miss Kat a belated happy birthday, yes?

YES.

*Of COURSE I’m bloody jealous. Uh, hello? It’s an iPAD. Goddammit.

Filed Under: birthday, Dear So and So, Isaac, Musician, Noah, parenting, photography

The Night Before The End.

February 19, 2011 By 31 Comments

I am so sad.

I am sat in front of my iMac. It’s the night before my final performance of my music career as I know it. And my heart hurts.

So much.

I want to cry. But I don’t want to.

I want to be happy. But I don’t know how.

It’s time to move on.

I know this hurts so much right now because all the pain of the last 26 years is sitting on my shoulders like the heaviest weight I have ever dealt with.

More than my depression? I do not know. I cannot decide that. I won’t know until tomorrow, roughly around 6pm. When it is done.

When it is all over.

My musical spirit has been destroyed so many times over the many years. Maybe I wasn’t strong enough for the musical industry? I don’t know. Was I too naive? Was I gullible? Was I foolish? Was I simply stupid to put my trust in people I thought supported me? Should I have known better? Should I have seen it coming? Should I have had one eye on the music, whilst glancing over my shoulder?

…should I have fought back when they beat me down?

…

I don’t know what to write. And yet, inside me the words want to pour out. I feel so broken, so destroyed. The one thing that remained passionate in my heart for so many years…too many years? It’s the one thing that is breaking me. I should have let go, so many years ago. When I had to turn down my place at music college because I couldn’t afford it, I should have quit. When conductors put their favourite students ahead of me for performances and concerts because their parents requested it, I should have given up. When I couldn’t afford that cello which was as good as all the other kids, I should have just stopped it all.

But I kept fighting.

I fought so hard.

And I kept smiling. Smiling through the tears pretending it was all ok. It thought it was all ok. I didn’t mind, I just wanted to play. I learned to take a step back and give others the opportunities I thought they deserved. And that was ok. I thought my time would come. I waited.

I waited for such a long time.

And in that time, I hurt more and more.

While I sat quietly, letting people bully me, push me around, doing whatever they wanted just in the hope that they would let me stay part of the group…

I took more than I should have done. I hate myself for that. And now here come the tears. The long awaited tears.

It won’t be the last of them, I know that. I know there’s so much more to come out. So much hurt I held back for fear of upsetting others. So I kept smiling. Right up until the last minute.

So I sit here and cry as I write these words. Tears of every kind of emotion you can think of. Tears for something even I don’t understand.

It’s not like I don’t have anything to go on to – my photography has been but surely. I am so new to it and yet it feels surprisingly natural, it feels like I should have done it a long time ago. Perhaps I should have done? Who knows. I don’t know. I am impatient, but so much is happening. It’s good; it’s wonderful. I hope it is enough to fill the impending hole.

Actually…no. This is right. This is how it should be.

This is the right way to go.

Doors are open now, other doors closed in my face. I have to turn my back on those. And it hurts, so very, very bad, but it’s ok. It’s time to move on.

I don’t know if I will survive tomorrow. I spoke to my beloved hypnotherapist today, Ian; he has no idea how much he helped me cope with playing my cello when so many people took advantage of me, I hit ultimate rock bottom. He’s reminded me of the tools I need to get through tomorrow. And that’s part of all I need. Those tools he gave me, the love and support from the people I trust, and the knowledge, the complete knowledge of knowing that I did the absolute best I could.

The orchestra I am playing with…who are sending me on my way in the best way ever…they will never understand. They will never know how much it meant to me that they were the ones who inspired me to keep going. I never wanted to play with an orchestra as much as I did this one. They are so lovely, so understanding, so accepting…which makes it the right time. Which makes all of this ok. They tell me they don’t want me to go…they tell me the door is always open.

Which leaves me thinking, “Yes. This is my time. I can surely begin to let it go now.”

I can hold my head up and smile. I did an awful lot of smiling with BCO. I seem to be pretty good at that. I think that has to count for something.

At least…at least they helped me remember the times when I could smile with my cello. I will never forget that.

Biggest thanks in the world to principal violinist and and orchestra leader Vee, for having a play with my camera and capturing these images of me at Birmingham Town Hall, Sunday 13th Feb, 2011. Photo BCO THSH (1) (the double bass on it’s side) was taken by myself. Please ask permission before using any of these images, which are copyright Jay Mountford Photography.

Filed Under: actual happy times, Depression, Musician, Ultimate Stresssss
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