So, you know when you go somewhere and you’re all “yeah, totally gonna relax this holiday, I’m in no mood for high jinx” and you make a mental vow to stick to it?
Yeah that went pissing out the window when on Friday, we went to pick up Granddad and drove for an hour from Montego Bay to Negril. My cousin and bro in law had already decided they were going to do this “jump off a cliff” when they got there; I had no idea what the hell they were talking about.
On the way there, I pulled out my phone and YouTube’d this.
That warning sign at 1’50″? Well that says this:
WARNING
Cliff jumping is dangerous and
serious injury can result such
as spinal and vertebrae fractures,
joint dislocation, muscle and
ligament damage and severe
bruising.
Staff is posted strictly for your
safety to respond to local
authorities should a problem
arise.
Ricks assumes no responsibility
for your voluntary choice to
jump from the cliffs.
Jump at your own risk!!!
The “life guard” at the top was offering no advice apart from saying “READ THE SIGN. And just jump when you’re ready. And don’t forget to leave a tip*.”
My cousin jumped, and I decided that since he was able to surface without being smashed into the cliffs, being swept out to sea or generally dying (it was 30 minutes after a storm and the water was very choppy) then yeah, it couldn’t be all that bad. He survived. As did my bro in law when he jumped minutes later.
It’s quite possible that at the point when my mother realised I was actually going to do it, my girl balls were on the line regardless of whether I survived the jump or not. I’ve never seen someone repeatedly fold a piece of clothing (the dress I was wearing) with considerably obvious restraint. I figured she was going to kill me, but I decided if I was going to die, I wanted to go out in style, you know?
I remember peering over the edge and actually thinking to myself:
“holy fucking Jesus that is a fucking long way down and where the fuck are the rocks in the water Jesus H save me I can’t see the fucking rocks and oh my god how choppy is that water why is it so choppy bastard thunderstorms it looks so much lovelier in the video clip and I think I might vomit now I can’t back out now I’m here though but why the hell don’t I just fall backward and pretend I slipped and hurt my ankle so then I can’t jump and I really wish my knees would stop twitching it’s making it rather difficult to stand here mother of God I took the step backwards and now I’m walking forwards again OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”
So I jumped. I reckon it’s about 60ft from platform to sea, and it was over very quickly, maybe 3 seconds? Despite this I had time to think the following.
“Huh. I appear to have jumped.”
“Blimey this is a long way down.”
“How should I have my legs?”
“Why haven’t I hit the water yet?”
“Ooooh look, it’s the sea.”
You can watch the video below to see if I survived or not.
*Methinks he may not really have been a lifeguard.
