There’s a lot of people out there who like to rave about the joys of parenthood, how much they love their children, how sweet life is and how perfect family can be.
My response is “fuck that, at present, I hate it.”
At this exact moment in time, I have never hated anything more than I hate being a mom right now. I would happily trade this role for something else in a heartbeat.
I hate it.
I hate the stages the boys go through; Noah becoming increasingly cheeky and rude as he questions authority and pushes boundaries, whilst Isaac thinks he’s completely independent and doesn’t listen to anything I say.
I can’t stand the fact that, while I am barely in a state to think for myself, I have to think through every decision of the day for them and god help me if I make a wrong decision and fail them miserably as a parent.
Whilst I know D works bloody hard for good reason, it pisses me off immensely that I often feel like a single parent, working every single second my eyes are open, usual on a ridiculous number of things all at the same time. The frustration of him not having enough hours in the day to see them, while I end up with the feeling that actually, someone else can have my hours so I can do something else I can actually enjoy.
I won’t sugar coat my life, I will actually tell it like it is. I shut myself down to them because quite frankly, at this very moment, I’ve had enough of them. I can’t even pretend to love them, not when all I want to do is escape or sleep or piss off somewhere else and leave everything behind. Do I want to go out and “find a new me”? No, not necessarily, I just want to escape what feels like imprisonment. This feeling of being shackled down with no sign of escape, counting the years until they leave home and I can feel a chance to breathe my own air.
Am I being harsh? Probably. I can hear the sharp intakes of breath, the people thinking “how can she say such things? These are her children; if she doesn’t want them then why did she have them?” I don’t even have an answer for them, apart from that they can piss off and take their judgemental attitudes someplace else. Or, I invite them to spend a day inside my head, listening to everything acutely, unable to switch off, over-processing everything and feeling like they’re getting nowhere. Apart from maybe, further into the blackness.
The worst is feeling like I am right now, worse than when I started writing this post some 4 hours ago. I’ve since yelled until I’m almost hoarse, my eyes are stinging from the impending migraine and having fucked up dinner (bastard oven constantly billowing out smoke), and I am so very, very numb. I’ve put the boys to bed (solo bedtime routine) and felt almost nothing when Noah said “I love you mommy, please can I give you a cuddle.” You would think that would move someone to tears, right?
But instead of tears of happiness, I sit here with tears of resentment, tears of emptiness, tears of wondering what the fuck I did wrong, tears of wondering if I can ever, ever make this hell any better.
I actually want to walk away from so much right now. I can’t remember ever being so tired, physically and mentally. I can’t remember having felt so horribly alone. I can’t remember having faith and trust in no one, since I have no faith in myself.
The numbness is really weird. It’s always there but it sometimes strengthens in great waves. Most of the time, my body and mind just don’t give a shit and literally, my brain starts singing “traa lalalalalalaaaaa” to drown everything else out. But sometimes the numbness is so severe it starts shutting everything else down. There’s no mindless singing, there’s no feeling of any emotions, there’s just nothing. I don’t even know why I’m crying now, which makes this even more pathetic.
I want to sleep, yet the thought of sleep terrifies me because I know it will all start again when I wake up.
And so I want my time away from being a mom, because when I’m not being a mom, I’m a human being. It’s that glimpse into normality which I crave so badly and wonder if it will ever be a part of my life again. I want to be able to think for myself, and not have to spend all my time answering questions for everyone else on behalf of them. I want to not be pulled 17 different ways, to not constantly be in demand from someone, somewhere; to not have the feeling that someone is breathing down my neck waiting for something every fucking hour of the day.
The boys are in bed right now. I have had a drink and all I want to do is get in the car, drive, and hope the steering wheel doesn’t bring me back here for a good few days. Maybe weeks. Maybe several months. Maybe I’ll never come back. Their dad will be home soon, and there’s plenty of people who could help him look after them, right? I could just drive into some kind of oblivion, like some kind of non-existence; I wouldn’t kill myself, I’d just stop existing.
But this is all crazy talk isn’t it? There are so many people out there with lives worse than mine, of course! Moms of 5, 6, 7 and many more, and they just get on with it, right? I should just shut the fuck up and stop whinging, right? That’s how we deal with it, isn’t it? Sweep it under the carpet, lock it behind a door, push it wayyyyyy down the back there and pretend it’s not really happening right?
Yeah, I’m afraid that doesn’t work.
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I can't know how you are feeling because my only son died shortly before he was born. But reading your words I can feel your sense of isolation and helplessness. Is there any way you could have a family member or even a trusted babysitter come and watch the kids while you take some time to do something for yourself? Even a simple thing like a pedicure or massage might do you a world of good.
I empathise with a lot of what you're saying and I suspect the mothers who don't, and who judge, are either kidding themselves, or utterly dull and unambiguous. I think a lot of the conflict here is because you have such a big sense of self and want to achieve so much: you're launching a creative business in a competitive market and you're doing a fucking good job of it – no wonder you're exhausted. That would be hard work for most people, without looking after two preschoolers full time. I don't want to say "you're taking on too much" because I don't think you are – I think that being true to yourself and following your dreams, especially creative ones, is one of the most important things you can do in this life. But I'm saying that for the most creative, talented people there will always be conflict in how you balance your wants and passions with 'normal life'. This feeling of "if I hadn't had these children, I could do so much more" is very familiar to me.
Is there anything that you can put on hold for a couple of days? To step back, take a breath and think "why did I have these kids? What do I love about them?" and spend some time with them, without trying to achieve anything other than just 'being'? I hope you can snatch a bit of relief and perspective. x
I had a sharp intake of breath but only because I thought – Thank god I'm not the only one. I'm new to blogs and twitter and haven't read your history yet but I just wanted to say hello and send you a hug.
I'm feeling a bit better at the moment (anti depressants and counselling starting soon) but I've had days and weeks when I wish the world (son included) would disappear and leave me alone. My OH says ' look at our little boy – isn't he cute doesn't that make you feel better – but I just want to scream get him out of my face.
Like you I know other people have it much worse, I know I'm lucky really but that just makes me feel more guilty.
I don't know if this is a one off for you or whether you have been feeling this way for a while but my Dr has been very helpful and my OH is a lot more supportive now he knows more about how I'm feeling. Hope you feel better soon and get some time to yourself. x
You feel just like the vast majority of us….. I feel like my get up and go has all got up and walked off, trapped and in a world of thinking for everyone else, and oh, theres me. It goes in peaks and troughs; this week is ok but who knows next week!? Have another glass of wine….. somehow your inner strength will take you through. To be honest I dont know how I made it through the last 18 months since Missy A was born, but it has been better for me since I went back to work and they are being entertained by others most of the day. Some might say bad parenting, but it makes my time with them much better.
Wow, very brave and honest of you Jay, which is why I love your blog. I can totally emphathise with some of the feelings you feel. On a good day my kids are amazing and I could happily sit with them for hours. But on the days, where let's be honest, they can be complete and utters shites, I just wanna run away and hide somewhere. I know what it is like to have to do everything by yourself, my OH being nightshift and about to go on to backshift and nightshift weekends. It's hard. Can you do something in the evenings when your hubby comes in from work? Perhaps a playgroup the boys can go to for a couple of hours? I hope you feel better with everything soon
- bet you feel loads better just writing all that down and pressing 'share'. The wine will help too. A good night's sleep might also sort it. But if you have yet another day of childcare to face tomorrow…..well I know how that feels . Great post, very honest, lots of anger, tears and frustration. Feel free to drive down to thhe cotswolds and stare at my view anytime. You could even bring the kids (we'll let them run wild). I don't even know you, but I feel your stress and want to help relieve it. But sometimes the solutions are even more stressful don't you think??? Oh the chore of getting a sitter……..getting their stuff ready. It's just more to do……
Dear Jay-
Yes. I get it. Totally, 110% get it. You're not a bad person, or a bad mother, if you hate your job. It happens. You're not crazy. I've been there- oh, have I been there. You're normal. Breathe.
You are loved.
Your American Pal,
Michael
#americaneedscosmicgirlie
PS Maybe somebody thought of this, but I was discussing a colleague's daughter's wedding, and I came up with the following: Wouldn't it be hysterically funny to take a picture of the bride's parents just wearing barrells? (Implying the wedding bankrupted them.) I think that would be very funny.
I hope to god your children never read your blog
This is how I felt just before getting back on my anti-depressants after Max was born.
It's hell. I would replay in my head, how I could wait till the boys' dad would be 30 minutes from home, put them both in their cots, and just walk out the door, and never come back.
Thankfully there was that little teensy bit in the back of my head that reminded me I would regret doing it one day in the future, that was loud enough to make me stop.
It does get better. Once they're both full time at school, you will regain some you-time again.
Until then, sending you lots of love and hugs. xxx
If Jay's children read her blog they will find out how much they are loved (in other posts) and how much their Mum fights everyday for them and herself and does her best for everyone, as we all do. Exhaustion, both physical and mental, along with depression should not be swept under the carpet but honestly expressed so that we can all help each other get through times like Jay's having at the moment. I hope you "Anon" never have to experience anything like what some of us Mums go through, if you do then I hope you have someone who will listen and care, not criticise as you are far to quick to.
At least have the courage to stand up and put your name to your harsh words!
And I hope to god you never have to suffer mental illness, or go through anything even close.
Saying all of that shows enourmous strength. And probably echoes what many many parents feel. Me included. I don't want to tell you how it will all be better if you do what I did but it may help.
Tell your partner how you feel and make sure he has listened and heard and understood.
Then take a day off. Not work. Not kids. Just you. Something for you that will make you feel like you, a real person.
I took a day off yesterday. To recharge myself so I have the strength to give my 3 kids a Mummy who can smile, play and help them grow without resenting every second I spend doing stuff for them when all I want is to do something for me.
I thought I was just being selfish and felt guilty for going out for the day. But to have not done that would have been ruinous to our relationship. I will be doing it again. And again to keep Mummy smiling. x
Wishing you a reprieve. You are stronger than you know.
Shit Jay, so sory you are feeling like this but I am a great believer that it is the best thing to get it out and externalise it.
Being a Mum, especially when you are mostly on your own can be really crappy work a lot of the time, even more so when you are not feeling 100%.
I'll be praying for you (and that is in a totally non-judgmental way!)
Mich x
I grew up with a mother like you. She never loved motherhood, it wasn't her thing, it disrupted her career, and she often felt trapped. She suffered from depression and had a battle to keep her sanity and sense of self.
Mother hood disrupted her career, in the bad old days of the 70s one couldn't really balance childbearing and a career, and she resented that my dad continued to build his career and hers was over.
My mum is an awesome mum. Her attitude to motherhood was clear, but she still loved us, and did amazing things with us, and now as adults we have a great relationship with her.
You are still you, the potty mouthed non-mummy blogger that we all follow, support and love (apart from those of us choose to remain anonymous and not support but hey ho) – and you need to be that feisty, photographing, dildo loving diva. Working out how you balance that with your mothering responsibilities is a challenge but you've faced harder ones. You can do it, and retain your identity.
Love and light to you.
I agree, which is exactly why I write here on my blog. I'm glad you saw to understand that, much appreciated. x
Yeah, I know how you feel, it sucks. You need a break from the groundhog day hell. Add twitter, your blog and anything else which takes your time, and hide. Twitter ain't going anywhere soon, neither are your supporters. You obviously have glorious highs and devastating lows, even I, a casual observer of your chaotic life ask myself "how the fuck does that Cosmicgirlie fit it all in?" You don't. You can't. You will always have to accept something needs to slip. You can't slip. You are the vital cog in the wheel. What do I know? Nothing. Nobody does. But this problem won't go away when your kids grow up, they will always need you. One day, you'll need them too. I'm not gonna go anonymous, but please don't shoot me down for what I've said. I DO know what mental hell feels like, belive me.
I plan my 'escape' most days. Depression sucks. ADs (mostly) working for me but I can really relate to your post. I love my girls, but I wouldn't miss them at all for a few days
I completely understand where you are coming from. I have days where although I don't feel I'm feeling it as much as you clearly are I feel that completely wrung out need to escape everything…my sister in law is off to london for a week on her own in her daughters flat and I felt such huge envy at her l oose plans to spend her days pottering about the city completely alone. Not that in reality I would leave L to do something like that at a year old but I found myself daydreaming for hours!! I also do a lot of solo b ed times or rather days at a time when oh works away and being back at work makes it twice as hard, just no respite if L unsettled…yes there are people worse than us, of course, but it doesn't mean you aren't entitled to feel how you do, you can't help that, its your situation and your living it. When things are bad its really hard to see past it as a mum, to see it'll pass by next week etc, as your living it 24 hours a day with no let up. Take care xx
I wouldn't shoot you down for what you've said, at all. I actually agree with what you say. Every single word. x
It takes a strong woman to admit when she's feeling shit, or shitter than shit. I always thought it was a sign of weakness to ask for help so suffered in silence for many years. In fact, 16 years ago, I didn't even talk about 'it' … too scared to give depression a name. So I struggled on in silence. I'm so glad you feel that you don't have to do that. I'm sorry you're feeling bad. Sorry that Anon makes twatty comments when they obviously know nothing. But hang in there. You're as normal as me I'm afraid
x
Jay, I think every conscientious parent knows, at least a tiny bit, how you feel now. If you weren't a good mum, you most likely wouldn't be so mentally exhausted in the first place! I also think you're brave to blog this for anyone to read, right here where it's not hard to find your real name. And yet it's probably the best thing (for yourself) you could have done. My own woes are very different, but the feeling of hopelessness is something I can empathise with. As for your boys, it's clear (from other blog posts) that you are bringing them up to be kind and compassionate, despite the ups and downs. If one day they read this blog post, I'm sure they'll be compassionate then. Take care.
At least have the conviction to say how you feel in your own name.
Been here, keep returning, not sure it will ever be over. I'm not saying that you're never going to feel differently – you may not, but sometimes you see something differently and that creates ripples which push you on. "Coping" is hard. It's like swimming underwater. You feel alone but need to gasp for breath from time to time.
You've said what a lot of people are thinking or feeling. That alone takes courage.
Jay, I've been so ill in the past I imagined driving into a wall or jumping out of the window. I've also been there, at the same time, with the 'feeling like a single parent thing' – I felt unloved and worthless too – like people would be better off without me. I knew that was an illness talking and you know this is too, please (cliche alert) address what could be affecting it, cut yourself some slack, be kinder to yourself, how can you give out a load of affection, love and cuddles if you are running on empty? I hope that writing this has helped you and I wish you lots of love and hugs. .
By the way I'd be happy for my children when they reach a certain age to read anything I have written about depresson and how it has affected me and them, I'd rather that than have them get to the age of ooh about 40 like I did before anyone dared to admit my mum had suffered mental illness on and off all her life, in the end developing an illness, the name of which made people physically recoil. You have no idea how many women will identify with this post, doesn't make them bad anything – parents or human beings, but perhaps they may be suffering from a debilitating illness that still gets swept under the carpet. Good luck sweetheart, you'll be in my thoughts
The thought of hiding my identity somehow makes it all feel a bit worse, you know? I'd rather people know who I am through and through, than feel like I have something to hide. Some will be recoil in horror, but let's face it, I'm not here to please everyone. Like everyone else, I'm only human… Thanks very much for your comment (and I do hope you find some kind of relief and escape too) x
"It's like swimming underwater" – one of the most accurate descriptions yet. Thanks for understanding. x
Linda, I was thinking about this last night and was going to post similar this morning. That if Jay's boys read this later in life they'll think "wow mum felt like that, but she still built train tracks with us, helped us learn, loved us and read to us and did all the normal mum things. How much she must love us to battle through her feelings".
I know that's how I feel about my own mum.
Jay, you know that today, tonight is bad but because you suffer with depression you know not everyday is like today. Some days are worse than others and it seems that today is one of those days for you. You can beat depression – says the 35yr mum who was hospitalised twice in her youth. It doesn't have to define you. Keep going, taking baby steps each day, even the days when you have to force yourself through the motions barely feeling. xx I think your brill for writing about depression and highlighting it. Its still an area I cant put into words and can't go back and talk about. I have closed it out because if i started im not sure what i would say or how it would stop.
The child of a bad parent would not have said “I love you mommy, please can I give you a cuddle.”
A bad parent wouldn't have put this our there for the world to see and comment on. They would have just gone.
You are brave and strong and that will get you through this. As they get older they won't need you for so much so your head space will hopefully increase.
Listen to the advice (not all some people are knobs) and let others help. It's not a sign of weakness. Putting it out there I'm sure is the start of making it better.
I remember once when La and KiKi were younger, around you kids ages, and I was driving to McDonalds to get dinner for the family because I was entirely too exhausted to even attempt cooking dinner again that week. I was driving over the interstate overpass and I thought to myself, "I could just take this entrance ramp onto the interstate and keep driving. Nobody would know I was gone for hours. I have enough money in my pocket to make it at least a few states away. I just need a brake. My family would understand…" I didn't take that ramp, but GOD I wanted to. God I wanted out and to have just a few days to be me. I just wanted a few days to not have to hear "mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom" incessantly while I was trying to go about my day. I didn't take that ramp, but sometimes I still wonder what would have happened if I did.
Jay you are a brilliant mother even when you don't want to be. Those who haven't been in the place you describe here are lying to themselves. Motherhood is not all unicorns, sparkles and lollypops. It is bloody hard work that has no pay and no days off.
I hope that by writing some of this down and expressing exactly how you are feeling (and that is the point, I think – it's how you feel – you should not be judged on that) you have managed to take even a little step forwards and out of the darkness are feeling. I guess depression is never that easily "fixed"…
I don't believe that any mother has not had a week, a day or a moment when they have not felt smothered by the responsibility of motherhood and I have such respect for you for writing this down and putting it out there.
Thank you. I have to say today DOES feel better. A weird release, I'm not proud of it, but the fact that I've shuffled forward again means it was worth doing it.
I believe that it is just this kind of honest divulging of your real feelings that will help you and heal you. The subject of mothering is rather taboo in our society, even with all the advances women have made in our generation, we are thrust into a role we are supposed to play naturally and with absolute delight , which doesn't necessarily feel natural or delightful. The box of how we're supposed to be is a confining one, and the juggle of me-as-woman and me-as-mom is exactly the kind of fatiguing task that rips you of any mojo you thought you possessed. But when you tell the truth about it, I think, it gets better.
I for one, appreciate you more for not being super-mom, and for being brutally honest and reminding the rest of us that we can be, too.
I totally get and feel it Jay. I too have felt motherhood to be completely unbearable.
I am so sorry that you feel so terribly right now. I hope that you can get some support. x
As the partner of someone who has just been diagnosed with depression I can connect in some ways to what you have written but being a mother myself I can't deny that I have had days when I questioned my life and wished I could just walk away. By talking about it openly and acknowledging how you feel you are on the way to healing. Your boys will read your blog when they are older and see how you battled and fought against this illness for them when you could have just given in.
To Anon; I suppose we should all just bottle up how we are feeling into tiny little boxes in our brains until they become so full up that they explode and carry out the things that we've threatened to in our heads, like my partner almost has. Yeah, cos that's healthy.
Hugs to you beautiful lady. xx
Jay this one of the most brutally honest and brave blogposts I have ever read. It proves that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Know that this is actually very normal and that all of us have been there, sometimes for an hour, sometimes for a week, sometimes for a month.
Getting this out in the open and acknowledging your thoughts is the first step to giving yourself permission to feel this way. And giving yourself that permission is okay, you can do it.
Take the next few days slowly. Keep acknowledging your feelings and keep writing them down, even if you don't publish them.
Speak to your partner and tell him that you need a regular period of time for you. An hour on Sunday afternoon where you can go for a walk, grab your camera and do something fun, lie in the bath with your ipod on loud, whatever. Something that is a little light at the end of your weekly tunnel.
And if you feel you need more "professional support" there is so much available. All you need to do is ask for it, either from your GP, friends etc.
You are amazing.
Why? Wouldn't you want to be honest with your own children? That's all Jay's doing here. I've written extensively about the way I felt towards my daughters when they were born and when they're older I'll explain it all to them. Maybe then, if they too suffer from PND they'll understand a little more about why they're feeling that way.
I've felt like this at different times since becoming a mum, maybe not to this depth but definitely a level of this. I hope that by getting it out, by not bottling it up inside and by saying " Hey, you know what sometimes life isn't what I thought it would, or hope it can be" that you can find some respite. Emotional respite is so much more important than physical respite.
I totally hear you!! I have been feeling exactly like you have for the last week or so and I felt that I was being a horrible mum.
Being a parent isn't all a bed of roses as some people like to make out. x
Brave words! I am so pleased to see that so many people here are saying that there are days when they have felt the same. I don't know that I have had depression since bubba arrived but I certainly have had days of frustration. Yesterday in fact. For some unknown reason she just would not stop crying. All day. OH works part-time in a 'real job' and part-time self employed, and that was a 'real job' day so he missed the noise. And the frustration. And my attempts not to get angry.
I have two reasonably elderly cats too and we live in a one-bedroomed first floor flat so I felt trapped. By the weather, by the screaming/crying and by the damn cats who decided to do vomiting under the table. Just when my back has decided to hurt. So there I was throwing dirty (plastic) bowls and spoons into the sink as hard as I could to try to relieve the anger I felt at having to clean up cat sick, then baby sick, then try to tidy up with a painful back and constant bloody screaming. I felt disappointed in myself too for letting it all get to me.
I would not judge anyone for expressing these sentiments at all. Like other posters I respect you for writing exactly how you feel.
I hope you can find some way to 'zone out' or get some help. xxx
Jesus – I hope YOU get some help or Zone Out time! I sympathise, I really do.
Im going to really stick my neck out here, and I know it will be really unpopular. I too struggle with depression and often wish myself out of this life so please do know that I understand completely where you are coming from. However, as a child on several occasions, my mom (also a severe depression sufferer) expressed her regrets about having children in as vehement words as you have. I find myself permanently scarred by those experiences. Whilst I know it was a passing moment and that she did, and does really love us all, the damage was done. As far as I'm concerned my self and my brothers are a decision that she, at times, regrets. Nothing before or since has hurt me as deeply as that could. By all means be honest with your children. Just be aware of the damage potential.
People might not like what you say but at least you're honest! I don't have a problem with your comment at all. If I may respond?
I fully understand the damage potential from many different, I really do. Which ironically is one of the reasons I write my blog.
Sadly I come from the exact opposite end of the scale as you – my mom also suffered yet none of us knew what it was – I spent too much time wondering what I had done wrong to make my mother (seemingly) resent me and often avoid me, not realising she was ill and needed escape, or something. My children will understand more about me than anyone ever will, long before they are ever able to read this blog, if they ever read it. As they grow older, and they understand more in life, I know I can explain to them why I have times when, quite frankly, I am horrible. The problems with mental illness, no matter what the circumstances, should not be swept under the carpet. If people are to learn and understand, then it needs to be spoken about. The more I talk about it, the more I learn about myself and others. I hope – no, I KNOW that my children will understand me.
I think it's also worth saying that there's over 4 years worth of posts of me raving on about how awesome my kiddos are (which they are OBVIOUSLY ;D ) and as I raise them to be compassionate human beings, I trust that they too will understand that every human being has flaws.
My three kids are grown up now but reading your post brought it all back as if it were yesterday. It doesn't help to be told it does come to an end I'm sure, but you've taken a brave step in sharing how you feel and finding out you are not unique. I didn't, couldn't share my despair when I was a single parent and felt I was the worst mother, but the relationship I have with my kids now proves to me I did an ok job in the circumstances, it'll be the same for you. ( It would be interesting to know if 'anonymous' actually has any kids! )
Sending you a virtual hug,
Penny xx
Fair point
There truly is no right or wrong here, just what's right for you and your family. I can only talk from my own experiences. I also frequently read your blog and know you do love those beautiful boys!
I had to respond and say I am so glad I am NOT unique here. I hate that others have been through the same, but there's relief in not being alone. Seeing the unexpected responses has been so reassuring, and even another commenter who cautions what I've said, even there it's helpful to hear things from different perspectives. I can't remember the last time I felt so reassured by (*ahem* almost) everyone. All I am doing is my best, and I'll make sure my boys know that. x
Indeed! I hate that you went through your experiences with your mom but am pleased that you shared them. In this house I expect my boys to be/will be as honest with me as I am with them, in the hope for better understanding, you know? But please let it be said, for the record, I appreciate your comment and even more so, fully respect you for not being anonymous about it. x
I've never been one for anonymity Jay, if you remember me from school you will know that's true! Lol! X
Jay, big kiss X
No silver bullet, just wanting you to know I'm cheering you on out of the darkness.
I feel this was too sometimes, and I only spend mornings, evenings and weekends with my children. I sometimes linger at work and pick them up a late as I can because I can’t face a long evening with them. I feel awful about this.
Thanks or sharing.
Nice reply Anon, super empathy there. I couldn't agree with you less; perhaps if Jay's kids do one day read this, they will be heartened by the fact that she was honest, she STUCK IN THERE when it was quite obvious that she was struggling so badly, and that she had enough love for them to keep trying.
So, perhaps you should troll back to your perfect life, where you are master of all that you survey, never have a moment of self doubt, and leave the rest of us mere mortals to get along as best we can.
all any of us can do is our best, the 'trying to be strong' bit can be dangerous, bottling it all up and thinking people will think you are weak or stupid or mean for being honest and human lands too many people in trouble. I remember writing about how much I wanted to tell my children about depression, you can read it if you like Jay, no worries of course at all if you really well haven't got the time but I do hope as you say that knowing you aren't alone is helfpul:
http://www.passionatemedia.co.uk/speakingup/2010/…
Hugs. I love your honestly, not a lot of us would say this out loud, but I can guarantee that most if not all of us have felt this way. They are good when they are good but when they are being bad they are bad. Plus when you aren't feeling ok in yourself it makes it 10 times worse. You need a break. I hope you get one soon. Hugs x
Thank God for completely honest blog posts like this. I hear what you say and I know exactly what you mean. It's a relief to know it's not just me who hates being a parent at times. Hugs to you lovely lady. Thank God you write a blog. I've waited months to read a post like this. Thank you. xxx
I'm not going to write a huge long spiel here. I'm not going to say I know how you feel because I can't, I'm not you, it's different for everyone. I'm not going to tut my tounge and frown about what you've written because I can't, you wrote what you wrote with heart and integrity and I love you for that. All I'm going to say is that I think you fucking rock and your honesty about life always encourages me and inspires me to do the same in mine. Amazing lady, simply amazing. x
Jay you are an amazing amazing person! How you feel is totally normal! You are so totally awesome all of the time of course you become tired of it and need a break, ANYBODY would need a break giving your boys what you do all the time.
Now I know this prob wont help AT ALL but if you ever need a break just let me know. I mean I am a qualified early years teacher, and I would happily just come and sit with the boys or take them to the park or anything if you ever just needed a little break. Honestly I would. Just let me know. xxx
This post has made my whole body go cold, not through horror or shock but because I've been there and remember sharing many of your thoughts and feelings. I know nothing I can say will really help, however it won't be this way forever. I hope you get more support, doing it alone is the toughest thing. Take care x
I wanted to send a hug and a thank you for your post.
It made me think and I wrote my blog post today from inspiration taken from you.
It made me talk honestly about being raised by a parent who suffered from depression and it helped me put my own actions with my children into perspective.
So again, thank you and big hugs xx
I don't know what to say but I want to say something if you know what I mean. I think you're a very brave lady for posting this and I hope you feel so much better for writing it down and for reading all of the supportive comments that people have left for you – it's clear that you're not the only one who feels this way.
If I'm honest I can't remember feeling like this myself although my two definitely have their moments! I worked full time until last year and even now I still work part time which means that effectively, I do 'escape' on a regular basis. My husband works quite flexible hours as well so he is able to help out a lot aswell, including dealing with bedtime every night. Maybe if my circumstances were different then I would feel differently. I don't know.
I'm pretty sure that if Jay's boys do read her blog when they are older they will be so proud of her. She's an amazing Mum, blogger, musician and photographer and I only know her from having read her blog and having met her a couple of times!! So she's having a tough time….not all of us get to live perfect lives that aren't affected by issues…….maybe you need to grow some balls and not hide behind your anonymity……
Respec to you for voicing this. When mums start talking about motherhood as it is both the challenges and the joys, we will all be far better off. On the bad days and sometimes even the not so bad days, I could have written your post myself and know I will not be alone in that. I, for one, love you honest and heartfelt posts.
There's nothing wrong with feeling like this. I think most mums feel it at some point, even if only a few minutes. I have definitely had days and weeks where I felt exactly like this, and my daughter isn't even at the really difficult stage yet. Despite all this, despite the fact that the biggest part of you wants to run away, you are still there going through the motions – playing, caring, cooking dinner, working, putting them to bed. It may not feel like it right now, but what you are doing IS love. Someone who hasn't experienced this can't possibly understand what a commitment you must have to your family and what sacrifices you are making every single day just to keep going.
I'm sorry if I'm being repetitive but I don't have time to read all comments now. I'm sure for every woman who judges your words there are ten who totally get it. You're not alone, motherhood is a tough, often overwhelming, no vacation job. That said, is there any way you could get a vacation, on your own? Or, what would probably be more helpful would be to get help, even just one morning a week, but continuously so every week you know you get a break for a few hours. And really, sometimes anti-depressants do help, you can't always claw yourself out of a mental and emotional situation.
Apart from being extremely late to this discussion, there isn't really much I can add anyway; you're a wonderful person, you only need read the support you have here. Juggling a job and child care is always going to be a struggle but I can't imagine what you are going through right now because I would never want to insult you by saying I understand. I know nothing about depression apart from what I read on other people's blog posts but I will say this – you are a very inspiring, down-to-earth and wonderful human being, "human" being the operative word. I've put up with ignorance (like the anon comment) for the past 8 years since Amy's diagnosis and it's pathetic. I'd much rather have a friend like you who isn't afraid to open the doors and let others in than have a friend who thinks hiding away is the better option. It isn't. Our kids will tell us that when they grow up and they refuse to come and see us. Keep going, flower. The respect people have for you is immense.
CJ xx
Anon perhaps because if you've felt that way before yourself, you've been too scared, ashamed or foolish enough not to ask (or scream) for help. Perhaps you should take a long deep look at your own ''ideal' life & wonder if it's as perfect as you assume, given that you are unlikely to have stretched yourself to the limits your children (assuming you have them) will innocently drag you. Or perhaps you have amazing support: grandparents, friends who are readilly available to mind your children, an OH with a job that leaves you oblivious to the cost of life. Whatever your situation, you clearly have no empathy and you are also very selfish for assuming that your comment is even appropriate. But then you'll probably go on sucking the attention you'll get from participating or commenting on blogs that Jay hosts/writes when you want people to know who you are – given it's such a popular, honest, identifiable, interesting, informative and yes, blunt account of blogging life (but she tells you this in her opening introduction).
I'm not sure if I want to wish you never experience the same or think you need to, in order to allow yourself to evaluate 'your' own 'effective' role amongst the people you are probably selfishly sucking the life blood out of. Have a good day – oh I forgot, you already fucking are!
Jay! I wanted to say you are awesome, honest, informative, talented, interesting (it's a long list, very long…). But then there are lots of people here to tell you that (lots you hear). Also that it's so unbelievably clear how great a life your boys (and your OH) have, from the posts you put together and entertain us with. That you are dedicated and talented in your craft and allow us to attempt ours in your 'uber-magnetic' meme (it's a grave sin not to attend
).
But what I want to say is when you are this person and people come to expect to see the same day after day, sometimes it's hard to see what's going on underneath or behind the touch screen (or mouse for those who don't apple it). So sorry chick for expecting so much and thank you for being so honest.
I'm not going to bore you with my account of falling into my own abyss of shit with no-one to pull me out and a few to keep me there (foot on my head) or how I knew the buck stopped here and found a way out ….
What I will say is take a step back, breathe, trust in yourself, trust your instincts, know that people who ask for help are looking for solutions and support – not running away!
Then take a moment to think how you can make today less stressful, even if it makes tomorrow moreso … You have to have re-charge days! Get a diary – write every appointment & request in it and put 'YOU' time in it . It's booked, official and as important as every other slot in it.
There's a book I found once "Time-out for Mums" mentioned in my blog. In short, being a bit selfish makes you a better Mum. It enables you to have the energy to be a Mum. Take the time to be YOU – then you can be MochaBeanieMummy.
Hang in there Honey – you are normal and all of us who blog because life is tough and it's good to share the bad bits as well as the good, will still be here for you to 'shout' at – we're shouting too!
Perhaps you guys could meet for coffee and catch up on old times.
I wanted to say more but ditto to both of you is more than enough.
Communicating your feelings is like taking insulin if you are a diabetic. Now you wouldn't forget to take that, would you?
Spot on!
Hope you feel better today
I'm new to blogging (but not blog reading! ) and very late to this discussion but felt I had to comment and say I can so understand how you feel. I have never been diagnosed with depression (at least not for many many years) but there are often times when I have felt like this – totally alone and really disliking if not hating my children. I have been there at bedtime and found it so hard if nigh on impossible to say a loving goodnight. You are not alone – I find it hard to believe all the luvvy duvvy comments on how wonderful life is and how wonderful people's kids are – they are sometimes but so often life isn't like that it is just plain shit. Well done for being honest.
Not much help I know, but sending you a HUGE HUGE HUGE hug.
It breaks my heart to hear you are feeling like this and at the same time I am so proud of you for your strength and openness. I wish there is *something* I could do for you, but I know there isn't (save for virtual hugs of course).
I have a theory that very intelligent and talented people suffer from depression the most… and I know from your photos that you are very talented indeed.
Maggy xx
Women are the niggers of the world. John Lennon said it, i agree….Being a Mom is the MOST DIFFICULT THING you will ever do…Women are sold by our society/advertisments that children are a blessed welcome. NOT true for me. I wish women would get real with each other about how children invade your house and mind and destroy happiness. Lets get real…the world doesn't need more people…Instead, we need women who are confident and happy NOT having babies. I have 3 boys and look forward to when they grow up and leave the house. Having a clean house and peace and quiet, and focusing on my husband makes me happier than dealing with the messy, noisy, disrespectful kids.
There are great moms out there who love their situation and they are admirable, but there are also MANY moms who dislike living with children. I am one of them….Freedom, organization, clean house, peace, these things make me whole. Being a mom makes me miserable.
Thank you………..what a relief to read that so many mothers of the world feel the same as me, so thank you for your words, maybe tomorrow won't be quite so bad after all.
To Maggy, red ted art.
Thanks for refering to anger/depression as a sign of intelligence and talent. You made my day. God Bless. dan doopy
Hahaaa, (tears) haaaahaaaa (more tears) Thank God for you lot.
Its 1.35am and the only comfort my 11month old gets is tearing my hair out of my fucking head. Great.
I was just about to do a Britney and shave my head when i found this gem of a blog. My hair thanks you.
I AM NOT ALONE!
I cant quite believe it. When my work pals asked how it was after having my two sons, my answer was an honest one.
Its ok if you like living without your basic human rights.
I think anyone who enjoys being pissed, shitted and spewed upon whilst being deprived of sleep and treat like a slave is a fucking looney.
Im counting down the days til they start nursery, because Im looking forward to having an uninterrupted coffee and read of the paper.
Im looking forward to having a little time to get ahead with the ironing.
painting the fence…
wash AND dry my hair properly.
maybe put some make up on.
Sounds sad eh? But having these two little shites has been good for me really, they stripped me bare, the once cocky Kel, got governed. And you know what, I find such joy in the smallest things thesedays. Im really glad about that.
Much love to Other mum like me. One day we will look back and….. think thank f**k thats over!
I feel ya. It's so hard never sleeping and never having a minute to yourself. Parenthood is awful. The smiles and hugs help though
I wish I never had children, but we are stuck with them. No one ever tells you how lonely being a mother is.
I had twins. I never asked for twins. I thought kids would be a good idea but I got hell. A hell that is purely carried upon my shoulders. How they turn out is entirely down to me. As a psychologist, if they are psychopathic serial killers – guess what? as a mixture of genes triggered by environment – it's my fault!!!! So everytime I feel resentful towards them I have to worry that this may be the trigger that turns them bad – does their dad worry about this? Well just about as much as he worries whether they are getting their five a day or are they forming appropriate social interactions or do they have good nativity costumes or have they invited the right friends to their birthday.? In other words he doesn't even know these bloody questions exist. I hate it. I am totally trapped. I had them so everything falls at my feet.
You have helped many many women with this post Jay. Simply by having the balls to say – uncut – what we have all surely felt at one time or another. Keep speaking your truth, because what you're saying is important.
I've been there too. For the most part it is now easier, possibly because they're a bit older and a bit more self-sufficient. But I still occasionally have bad days where all I want to do is run run run.
This post was like a breath of fresh air to me, some of your writing is put exactly how I have thought it in my head and it's so comforting to see how very common it is.
Thanks for being honest enough to write this
I have never wanted kids… ever! – for the very reasons stated here on this blog and in the comments. So I truly sympathize with the parents here. I am a part-time stepmom however, so I know firsthand that having kids can really suck the life out of you. I won't go into the gory details here. Just suffice it to say, I know what it's like – enough to know that I absolutely made the right choice not having kids.
But what I really don't understand is why sooo many people have kids to begin with? Just looking at parents with their kids in the supermarket, at restaurants, at the park – it's so obvious what misery children can be
They're needy, messy, dirty, annoying, loud, invasive, etc. Their needs are constant and intrusive. You will rarely have a moment's peace. Mix in rudeness, ungratefulness, bossiness, selfishness, etc – what do you get? A little monster you want to lock in the closet at times. To me, this has always been Really Obvious. I'm really surprised it isn't obvious to more people before they have them. Please think long and hard before you have a kid. It can ruin your life. Seriously. Peace out.
I had to reply to this one, anonymous. I think the thing to remember is that the spectrum of what a child can be like is pretty much infinite. You cannot dictate what sort of child you will have, and I hasten to add, my children are most definitely not rude, ungrateful, selfish, bossy etc – in fact they're quite the opposite.
I think it's also important to remember that, no matter what, you just cannot dictate how you will react to becoming a parent, no matter how many times you do. There are so many circumstances to take into consideration.
I appreciate that you are firm in the decision that it wasn't right for you…but it's unfair to belittle and assume how it will affect others.
Thank you for your feedback.
hi – I know I'm coming to this a bit late and things may have moved on for you. I wanted to say thanks, and that you are not alone. The numbness you describe I feel all the time too. I think that it is a mechanism that protects me from becoming consumed or overwhelmed by my love for my kids. Weird, since they do my head in and there are times (every day) when I think about walking out, getting on the first train through the station, and not coming back. I reject my daughters cuddles and pats, I ignore my screaming baby son. I just walk away and continue the mechanics of the day. But I think that I do this because, if I allowed myself to feel, I'd be completely overwhelmed by my love for them, completely desperate with fear for them, utterly drowned in the responsibility of caring for them and getting it right. And, I'd lose myself entirely. I'd disappear into motherhood and never come back, no me left at all. You say you were crying when you typed this – well, there. You were crying for you, but also for your kids. You talk about guilt – you can't be guilty without caring. And you describe running away, but even in your fantasy you are still checking that they'll be ok, and that some one will be there to take care of them soon. Motherhood is horrible, it is a burden of love which destroys us, knocks us back down to almost nothing and forces us to rebuild our sense of self from the very beginning. I'm lucky enough to be able to talk about these feelings to my own mother, who went through something very similar. I don't resent her for telling me she felt this way when we were young, I know she never blamed us. I don't blame my kids, and I don't hate them, either. I just hate this process, the grinding and unrelenting litany of childcare and the isolation that comes with it. I look at my mother now, though, and it gives me hope. She got through. The baby and infant days were hard, she tells me, right up until I went to school. She was still at home with my younger sister, but she made the decision (unusual for the time) to go back to work full time. She pushed my victorian father to take more responsibility, and she found herself again. She seems to think that, when she came through the other side, though she had had to start over, she was a stronger, better, happier person. And she enjoyed very much our later childhoods, when we were more independent and she could begin to see the fruits of all her work in the early days. I cling on to this, I hope this is what happens for me – and what happens for us all. Children might well be a blessing, but we're not depressed, weird, or out of the ordinary for not being able to see that right now, and I think that maybe we are just very normal. It helps me to think of this process as an evolution, rather than a never ending, soul destroying drudge. I hope it turns out that way, for me and all of us who feel this way.
I'd like to say, thank you for being honest. I am a 25 year-old female who knows I never want children. I just can't picture giving up my life as I know it so that I can take care of another human being. For me the rewards of being a parent just don't seem worth the sacrifices. I think ALOT more women would reconsider having kids if more women (like you) were honest about the day-to-day realities. I find that so many women like to act like everything is all roses all the time when I know that's just not true. In this way a lot of women get "tricked" into having a child and then deeply regret it after. Kudos to you for your honesty!!
Wow… I've always felt such alone… I've told so many people that I just want to disappear, but without being able to tell them the real reasons why. I am a mother of ONE 2 1/2 year old daughter. Her father is in prison, so I am FORCED to be a single mother. And most days, I feel like you feel… nothing. No emotion, no sadness, no happiness… nothing. Invisable.
OMG it's like I wrote this post. This is exactly how I feel right now. I have a 6 yr old daughter & 3 yr old son and am hating motherhood. I couldn't wait to be a mum, thought I would love it and have all the 'joys of motherhood' I wish I had a crystal ball at the time of conception! My hubby is away with the navy, god bless him, and I love him lots, I work part time and would actually rather be at work all the time, but alas I have to come home. I am being a resposible person and clothing, feeding and keeping them safe but that's as far as my mothering is going at the moment, bcoz I hate it and my kids could quite easily be someone else's. But who are you suppose to talk to about this without being shoved on antidepressants? I love my husband, love my job HATE being a mother, I'm not depressed thanks!
Hello =) I have read a lot of these posts, and I have to say, they make you think.
I think it’s great that everyone has been able to have an outlet here – but perhaps your (completely justified) complaints could serve a better purpose elsewhere?
My name is Andrea. I identify as being “childfree” as opposed to “childless”. The word childfree is supposed to convey that I both enjoy not having kids and have made the choice to not have kids. I am free of them, not lacking them, almost like you would say “disease-free” instead of “disease-less”. When you are free of a negative thing, saying “less” doesn’t seem right.
Anyway, I wanted to invite everyone here to contact me. I am planning on creating a YouTube series based on reasons not to have kids. Many of these reasons are the ones many of you have listed – the stress, the expectations, the limited freedom, and much more. The reason I am doing the videos is because I want to get people thinking about whether having kids is really something they should do. Of course, I support anyone’s right to have as many or as few kids they want, but if people question their motivations to have kids, it might save people years of regret and sacrifice.
This is why I was hoping to get some help from all of you. You have first hand experience concerning parenting. You know about the rewards and the sacrifice, and can provide valuable input as to whether you would honestly recommend it to people. You have the experience and the opportunity to prevent people from making what they might later consider one of the biggest mistakes of their lives. Also, you can help to dispel the myths about parenting, and perhaps help towards making it socially acceptable to admit parenting is hard, or that it’s not always rewarding, or even that you can regret having kids and feel trapped. I hope to hear from anyone willing to help.
You can contact me at I assure you that I will not use any information, stories, advise, or concerns, without your permission. Thanks so much for the time it took you to read this, and I sincerely hope to hear from some people. =)
God I just typed "sometimes I hate being a mum" into google and found all these comments! It really helps to see I am not alone in my thinking! I just thought being a mum would be so much more fun than this! I live for the good moments but having read most of these comments now, I do actually think I have depression! I have lost my fun factor
As a mum to an 8 month old I have a lot more to face I’m a single stay home mum live with parents due to lack of finances who do not help me just make life harder. It is horrible I love my daughter but motherhood is not for me. Will I ever have time to myself? Will I ever shake this miserable feeling? Lonely glad it’s not just me.
Perhaps you should leave so these smart alec children know what they will be missing? My friend left for a week and her children were much improved after that. It gave her the break she needed and made the children realise how much she did for them. Her sister had the same problem with her children, so she told them if they didn’t want to play by the rules of the house they could find another house to live in. She told them they were welcome to leave any time they wanted. The eldest made a big show of packing a bag etc thinking his “Mommie” would stop him, but she just ignored him while she continued finishing the washing machine. He got to the front gate and realised she was not stopping him, so he came back in, put all his stuff back where it belonged and behaved much more respectfully to her after that. It was their Mother who told them to do this and I was astounded by how well it worked.
Tell your husband he needs to take care of the kids sat and sun afternoons, and then you go out by yourself and do your own thing. Tell your husband you will look after the kids fri and sat night, and he can go out. That way you both will have time for your own independent life.
Also, yelling at your kids doesn’t work (it makes things worse) better do some internet reading on parenting without yelling. Try watching Nanny 911 or the Nanny for tips.