I’m away from home at the mo, and I hadn’t planned on blogging for a while, especially after the drainage that was my last post. But even though I’ve only been away from home for less than 24 hours, just me and Isaac, I’ve already had a lot to think about.
I realise how tired I am. Now, I know we’re all tired. I count my blessings I’m not a member of the 2am Club or the Bad Night Coffee Club; both kiddos sleep brilliantly and I’m going to bed at a reasonable hour. I wake up naturally; sometimes I sleep brilliantly and sometimes not so much. I can’t sleep in; if I do I guarantee I’ll have a migraine. If I don’t get enough sleep, I can usually catch up the following night without problem.
But lately? The sleep is overwhelming. I’m exhausted with every little thing I do and it’s making me feel like I’m being horribly lazy. And I hate lazy. I’ve just been for a walk on the beach with Isaac and although rather windy, it’s bloody gorgeous down there. But after only half an hour, I’m so tired it’s untrue. I’m sat here typing this blog post and can barely lift my head up.
It’s a horrible kind of exhaustion – physical and mental. I struggle to think of words, like my brain is shutting down before I want it to; like my train of thought no longer exists, or, comes and goes in awkward fits and starts. It’s distressing; it reminds me of seeing pensioners in old people’s homes, who so desperately want to talk to you but haven’t a clue how to do it.
Sometimes, the very act of talking is just too much; it’s easier to just be quiet. On twitter and facebook I love the interaction, as ever, but find myself wanting to run away because I feel bad for not keeping up with people. I can barely read the messages and comments, and replying to them scares the bejesus out of me. But I want so much to interact with people because I can’t cope with drifting off into a horrible floaty world on my own. Is this an illness? Is something wrong with me? I’m terrified of the doctor saying there’s something really wrong. And I’m terrified of the doctor saying everything is fine – because if that’s the case, then how the hell do I fix this?
Something is so not right. I don’t know what it is, but I miss me. I miss my energy, my life, my bounce. It helped me get through the day. Having spoken to various awesome friends, I’m ploughing my way though a number of ideas as to what it could be, that’s making me feel like this. Oddly enough, if it’s just old age/getting older (HAH! I’m 31 for crying out loud) then fair enough. I can deal with that. But like I said, I’m ONLY 31. I have too much life to go yet to start worrying about being tired and forgetful.
I’m hoping to make the most of my time down here, I’m trying not to think too much, but only think about the things I need to. Most of the days drift by in a foggy haze. I don’t like that, it’s not my style, but for now I (ironically) don’t have the energy to fight it. On days when I feel clear, feel alive, I wonder if I burn myself out too quickly by savouring every minute of that good feeling. I can’t do that any more.
Since I can’t stay down here, figuratively AND literally, does anyone have any energy to spare? Please?
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Ugh, what crapness. I was feeling the same for nearly a year, every day a struggle struggle struggle. But I had four children, the eldest was very ill with CFS, I run my own business, I help my OH run his business, I don't ever get to bed before 2 in the morning, I have periods from hell… of COURSE I felt like crap.
But then my sister shouted 'THYROID' at me, and forced me into seeing the doctor. Who took pints of blood. And then merrily told me I had an underactive thyroid.
HUZZAH!
I take a tablet every day, and am still trying to find the right dose, but I can stay awake i the evenings. I can enjoy long walks. I feel like skipping occasionally. I wake up refreshed not more exhausted. And – miracle of miracles – I no longer need two different types of drugs just to leave the house when menstruating.
OH had a similar issue a few years ago, and it turned out to be Vit B deficiency.
I'm not saying you have either of these things, just that both of us worried, and neither of us had cause to. Go, be brave. Get tested – it's no doubt something innocuous and easily fixed – but if you don't try and find and answer, it won't get better.
That's pretty much how I feel when I'm depressed. *massive hugs* Personally I think you should see a doctor, but ultimately it's your call. If you don't like the idea of meds maybe counselling of some description would help? Whatever you do don't go and hide in yourself, stay in touch with the people who love you, the ones who make you laugh, the ones who look out for you. Stay connected to the world *hugs*
I think Laura is, as you English say, spot on.
I'm in the health field, and I get this question all the time, "I have x, y, z, m, and q. What is it?" As anyone who has any contact with health care knows, the answer is almost always, "Well, It could be a,b,c,d, e, or possibly f , or even g."
The first step is getting to the doctor, getting some blood drawn, and see if that explains anything. (Just because the doctor says "everything is fine", that doesn't mean everything is fine-at most, that means that everything is medically fine, at least as far as this doctor knows.)
The second step is the stuff you're probably already doing-get as much rest as you can, take a multivitamin, try to eat right.
The third step is to understand that you are awesome. (Not really a step, just wanted to say that.)
The fourth step is to try and give yourself the benefit of the doubt-you work HARD. The Smalls, the house, the blog, the photos, the social networking. You do a LOT. You SHOULD be tired-you WORKED. (The fact that you don't get a pay packet for much of that doesn't mean it isn't work.) YOU'RE NOT LAZY. AND YOU'RE NOT CRAZY. (At least, no crazier than most.)
Good luck.
Mike
I love you. I'm 32 and I regularly feel the same way.I don't know how and I don't know why but you have to trust and believe that everything will be okay and the sun will shine after the rain so to speak…to experience life's true highs at their most special you unfortunately have to get through the lows first…just take it one second at a time…before you know it you will be taking a month at a time…depression affects everybody differently, there are no rights or wrongs…just please know that however and whatever you are feeling you are never alone.
XXX
Make sure you do exactly as you've said and relax whilst your away.
I hope you start to feel better although I know it isn't that simple.
My thoughts are with you chick,
Becca x
Doctors asap hon. Check if you feel worse around your cycle, ask about thyroid, anemia, depression, the lot. Hormones seem to go a bit weird in your 30s so ask about that too. Be nice to yourself, Hugs. x
*sends some virtual energy*
Stay strong, honey. And don't blame yourself for this – you are amazing.
Don't be afraid to see a doctor. You never know, maybe it can help you.
Love<3