Why are you so nice to me? Why do you talk to me? What do you want from me?
I have nothing to give you.
Nothing to offer you.
Nothing worthwhile.
I am rubbish. I am already broken, and weak, and tired, and drained.
How long until you break me? Like the others have done? Like more will do?
How long until you take advantage? Want more than I can give? Take more than I could offer?
Are you words real? Do you mean them?
Do you say something else when I am gone? Do you say the same things to someone else, stringing them along? Do you change your tune and laugh at me once the conversation ends? Do you go to your other real friends and enjoy dark humour at my expense?
My friendships are fraught. The friendships I am used to; the sort which is so familiar to me. Intense short periods followed by lengthy silence. I understand why. I know why I am used to this. It goes waaaayyyy back. My own family did it. Still do it. Is this normal? For you? For your friends? Your family?
It is for me.
I see other friendships; they seem so intense. People talk to each other all the time. They meet up all the time. They laugh, they joke, they share. They cry. Together. I don’t understand. I have never understood. I haven’t done it. Not as a kid. Not now. Always guarded. Always holding back.
I snatch moments of time when I can, wanting to appreciate the people I love, wanting to spend time with them, wanting them to remember me. Perhaps enjoy me. Perhaps wanting to come back soon.
But sometimes, you stay around a little longer. You contact me out of the blue, long before you are “due” to do it, and I’m thrown. I don’t understand why you’re coming back so soon. It’s not time yet, is it? …is it? Oh…what did you want? You want to spend time with me? You want to go out and have drinks with me? You want to go somewhere with the kids? You want to meet up without the kids? But why?
I have nothing for you. I can listen…I can be there…when you need me. If you need me. I don’t know why you would need me, because there are a million other people who could do a better job. Surely?
You want something else from me, right? You don’t want my company. Surely?
You want to laugh at me, not with me.
You want to take me things from me, not share with me.
You want to talk at me, not talk with me.
Right?
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I'm still here because you make me laugh and rumour has it, you once tweeted with bacon boobies. That my friend, is pretty awesome.
hugs xx
Personally I am still here because you are you. One of the most brutally honest people I know. One of the most genuine and somebody who I admire.
Oh and you drink Bajan rum.
I'm still here because I think you're a very talented person, someone I admire greatly, and like @mummybarrow said, brutally honest. I like honesty in a person.
When I started blogging about 2.5 years ago, there were spaces I didn't want to be in, but I stayed anyway as 'blogging experts' deemed that was the thing to do.
I stopped doing that soon after.
I am here very willingly.
Love, HMSx
I love how you write. And you are a gorgeous person IRL. S'all x
I just stunbled upon you…..this is my first 'visit' …..and you have touched a sore spot……you have written things Iin this post that I have thought/think so many times…….and I will definitley be back……