This post was written anonymously and submitted to Blognonymous for publishing on this blog. Please feel free to leave your help and support should you wish, in comments below. Many thanks.
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My dad left home when I was around 10 years old. Sadly we never really got on since then. I would spend the odd weekend with him but it was more because I had to and not because I wanted to. The weekends were spent following him around while he continued his usual routine or trying to entertain ourselves. It makes me sad that the thing I can remember most about growing up is sat waiting in the front room window for him to come to collect us, only for him not to come on the days he was supposed to. I spent hours waiting for him, he is my dad, he will surely come? As I grew older I began to see that we were simply not the most important people in his lives and that he was choosing not to spend time with us. I resented him hugely for this and did not speak to him for many many years. He did not see me graduate, he did not hear of my engagement, he did not walk me down the aisle.
Predictably he reappeared in my live when there was a grandchild on the horizon. Again this angered me, why did he think he was entitled to be involved now? It still frustrates me that I feel like this and that he probably hasn’t got a clue. I so want to tell him how I feel but am not able to without getting upset. I do not want to give him the satisfaction.
Over the last few years he has improved. He will visit when he says he will and if he cant come he actually lets me know this instead of leaving us waiting for him. We are still not close, I suspect he knows very little of what my life actually involves, he does not have the grandchildren, he does not baby sit, we do not spend days out together. We see him probably once a month, it is usually quick and rushed and peppered with tension. He does not know the grandchildren enough to know their likes, dislikes, their little ways. He can not see when he is pushing their buttons, does not know when they are tired or hungry or in need of a cuddle.
So why after all of this so I feel so let down and rejected at this weeks news that he is emigrating? I know it should not matter to me and that it really wont make that much difference. The numbers of hours he will spend flying there is more than the number of hours I seem him for in total each year.
Are we not important enough? are we not worth staying for?
I know this is selfish, he has his own life, a right to be happy, to go where he feels life should take him. I do not rely on him, I have a husband and children, I am strong and independent.
I am angry at myself. Why do I allow him to make me feel like this. Why did I allow him back in?
I can not help feeling this way. I suspect a lot of how I am feeling is related to other events happening in my life and that it is this which is making me over react to the news of his emigration. I feel like life has pulled the rug from under my feet at the minute, I do not know when or where the rug will settle or who will remain in my life when it does.
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Don't take his emmigrating as meaning he cares for you any less. As someone who seriously considers the prospect of moving abroad again, I must say it is never a personal affront to those I love and care for.
Talk to him about it though and have a heart to heart. You may find there are loads of guilt/ pent up emotions on his side as well that he'd like to get off his chest.
xxx
It sounds like maybe his emigrating could be a good thing for you, maybe seeing him so frequently without confronting him means these unresolved feelings at the front of your mind.
I hope you can resolve these feelings so you don't think about him so much as he doesn't sound like he deserves it.
Best of luck!
How sad. Perhaps he has seen how unsatisfactory his relationship is with you ad your children and just decided to get as far away as possible. Even if this is the case, it doesn't really help you. If you can afford it, it might help to talk to a trained therapist who can help you either work out why you feel the way you do, or help you deal with this change.
I think you need to remember above all else that you have done nothing wrong. You are angry because he has constantly let you down by not being there for you. He has made these decisions himself, and you have been pretty selfless in letting him see his grandchildren, if for their sake if nothing else. It always annoys me when grandparents have this sudden sense of entitlement when grandchildren arrive when the parents themselves don't seem to be as important… If anything I think it's possibly a good thing that he is emigrating. No more forced meetings once a month that are uncomfortable and painful for you. When you do see him, it should be on your terms and perhaps you might get some more quality time together should he come back on visits. I personally would be tempted to say something to him one day anyway, to explain to him how upset you have been and how angry you are (or have been in the past). Ignore the fact that you might be giving him "the satisfaction" as you say, perhaps getting it out in the open might make you feel better. Also agree with Expat mum. Talk to someone qualified, they can help you.
Well even though they're not the same thing, him emigrating resurrects an old wound and sense of abandonment, so even though you haven't got a great relationship with him and he doesn't do very much, the old hurts surrounding your childhood get resurrected. There's a lot of unspoken stuff between you both and this would be as good a time as any to grieve the loss and hurt you have felt as a result of your 'father'. I would definitely organise your thoughts with a therapist or an unsent letter which will let you write out your anger and figure out what is bothering you – if after that you have a conversation with him about your position, at least you can get across what you need to. I doubt his decision has anything to do with you per se but we have a pretty good idea of how we've done in life by the quality of our relationships. He may want a fresh start. While he could of course argue that he hasn't got great relationships to stay behind for, I don't think he could really say that he's truly tried. I think if you do say something to him, and I do think you should when you're ready, make clear that yes you have felt upset with him but would have loved it if he'd 1) explained/discussed etc and 2) made genuine efforts to build a relationship with you. Your feelings are valid and I hope you find a way to work through all the things that this has agitated.
I could have written your first paragraph myself. My Dad abandoned me and 3 of my Brothers 30 years ago and continuously let us down. He went on to raise another womans children who are not his and he still doesn't bother with me or my brothers. I gave up on him a few years back…I feel nothing for him…no love, no hurt, no sadness…just pity but even that is wearing thin.
My Dad has only ever seen my kids 3 times in 21 yrs. I think your dad may have been trying to make amends by contacting you when he became a Grandfather. This shows he does actually care are more than likely feels regret which is more than my dad has ever done. I think you are probably terrified of feeling that awful, painful rejection again when he emmigrates…and it sounds like you are already feeling it. I would write him a letter and tell him how you feel. If my Dad ever showed any interest in mine or my kids life I would have to tell him how much he had hurt me…It is the only way you can move on and maybe even build a relationship with him x
no advice but wanted to say I TOTALLY know how you feel. Except a) I wasn't strong enough to resist pressure from my mum & he DID walk me down the aisle b) I decide NEVER to let him meet my son – He's too damaging. Talk to someone, It did help me. Didn't rid me of ALL my anger towards him but I can live with my decision not to see him again.