Noise.
There is always noise. My head never ever stops making noise.
Ever.
EVER.
it’s exactly midnight and I’m tapping away as quietly as possibly on my iPad, trying to clear my head. I think I have tinnitus; I’ve suspected it for years, as all I can hear is D breathing, and a high pitched, consistent whining screaming buzz in my ears.
In my head.
Combine this with the never ending noise of thoughts from my brain, and there is never any silence.
If I stop and listen to the screaming buzzing noise, I can hear the blood pounding in my ears too, a horrible throbbing noise, sometimes quick, sometimes slow, never stopping.
Then there’s the noise I wish to god I could control. The thoughts. All the thoughts. The ones which are full of logic and sense, the ones which challenge every ounce of logic and sense, the ones which visualise everything and make things horribly real.
The latter are the worst.
Like someone plants the image in my mind, writes out the storyline before I have a chance to decide if I want to take part in it or not, puts me on the chess board like a pawn moving forwards to be slaughtered.
And all the time, there’s noise. Even in the silence. The silence I crave for, there’s noise.
I stepped away from twitter over the last few days; the noise was too much. I had a bit of a breakdown on Sunday and I’m scared of where I am mentally. I want to write about it, but with everything in the blogging “community” feeling horribly vivid, very raw, strangely repulsive; I don’t want the associations and wonder if my voice is being silenced.
How ironic.
A silenced voice when all I want is to be able to make my own noise. Noise of my choosing, not the noise I am forced to listen to.
I feel like I belong nowhere, and that’s fine; I don’t want to be pidgeon-holed. I use this space to shout freely, to remove the noise which I genuinely fear will one day kill me. I haven’t forgotten The Voices; how can I when they were there for so long? So strong, dictating everything and anything if I gave them that tiny little inch to work with. They were so noisy. Not so much now. But I can’t forget them.
People tell me to take a break. From blogging. From twitter. Why should I? My blog is my outlet, it’s my voice. Why should I silence myself? Why should I conform to The Rules made up by someone else, someone who doesn’t know me, who feels the need to tell me where and when my voice can be heard?
Sometimes when I start a blog post, I wish there was a way to convey the noise. I wish I could give you an audio post of the noise. The relentless, endless noise, awash with colour so bright it gives me a headache. Noise so harsh it sometimes physically hurts.
I wanted to write about my breakdown on Sunday. I wanted to write about how I sat in the kitchen floor, whimpering and crying in the dark, wondering how much effort I would have to summon to reach the nearest tablets. There was a drawer of sharp knives right behind my head. I didn’t cut; I didn’t want to be found in a pool of blood and have someone have to clean up the mess.
For years when planning self harm or suicide, I always planned the cleanest ways to go. Swiftly into sleep always seemed best. Hindsight stopped me this time; what if I failed and ended up back in a mental hospital again? How do I explain myself to people? The boys would be fine; too young to understand right now, they would have one less person shouting at them all day long, one less person they would have to drag along with them.
That’s how it goes right? “They’ll be better off without me?” I always wonder.
I didn’t do it. What stopped me? I don’t know. Probably the noise. I knew I wasn’t thinking straight, on many levels. On ANY level. Maybe the exhaustion stopped me. Too tired to move off the kitchen floor, yet too cold to fall asleep there.
Irony is cruel.
I should probably be on mess. I’m probably not even a fit mom. I can say it out loud, it almost washes over me. An ex once told me I would never be fit enough to be a mom. I guess he was right; I still hear his words ringing in my ears to this very day, some 11 years later. His voice joins in the noise.
Do you know what I would give to shut down the noise? To stop this screaming buzzing? To drown out voices? To stop the vibrant harshness of everything that makes a sound? I smacked my head repeatedly on the kitchen cupboards hoping for distraction from the noise, to stop me thinking aout the things I shouldn’t be thinking about. I long to think about mundane shit without the pressure of any kind of bigger picture.
Shit like whether I should have advertising on my blog. Shit like when can I get the time to do people’s images they’ve been asking for from recent blogger events. Shit like finding out about photography course for other people when I have never even been on a course myself. Shit like who fucking well unfollowed who, who’s in the latest In Crowd, who kicked off the latest arguments, and why the fuck people can’t open their eyes for one iota of a second and be fucking appreciative of what other people give to them or do for them.
The shit that, really, would probably make my life so much more manageable, because I wouldn’t have the elephant in the corner to worry about.
I wouldn’t be thinking about the fact that I came horribly, horribly close to those pills, less than 5 easy steps away from me in the kitchen.
I wouldn’t be thinking about the feeling of the relief of pain as my arms were cut open, letting my insides literally and metaphorically seep out of me.
I wouldn’t be thinking about being so terrified of going back on anti-depressants and having what’s left of my spirit muted and made into dull shades of grey.
I wouldn’t be thinking of destroying myself on the inside leaving a shell, in the hope of stopping this perpetual, mind destroying, insanity creating noise.
I wouldn’t be thinking about how what I want, perhaps what I need, is stuff that rages against my very being.
I want the noise to stop now.
It’s really loud right now and I want it to stop.
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I don't have anything to write, but I don't want you to think I'm not listening xxx
((((((())))))) take care of yourself
I obviously can't say anything to make things better, but I recognise your words.
I had a breakdown of my own last night, and it's easy to forget that it effects other people the same way.
I'm so sorry to see you're having a bad time of it, I know exactly what you mean about the noise and voices, I had them my deperssion was really bad. I thought about the suicide too (but I was going to try the messy cutting, even sat in the bath and tried to break a blade out from my shaver), but luckily thinking about my family pulled me out of it – eventually.
It's so hard to see a way out of the darkness, everything seems so hard at the moment, but having the courage to blog about it is brilliant!
Never mind all those people who want something, they can wait! You need to have some 'you' time to focus on getting back to a better place, or finding someone who can help or understands.
Have you thought about going to see a doctor?
I totally get the whole medication crap – I've been on mine for 7 years now and had to have the dose upped when I had a melt down last October. The first few weeks were awful, but now I'm lots better – can see a more colourful world, instead of just the wishy washy grey.
I wanted you to know I feel your pain – you're not alone.
Sending you huge hugs!!!
You know this already, but that noise? It never goes away, not really. You just get better at hearing other things louder, at making more other noise. But its not always easy to make louder noises and shout louder shouts, because that's the thing about that noise; it's powerful noise. And you walked away from it – in fact you kicked it's noisy butt and for that you need some credit..not from me, or 'us, but from you; You did that. You made the loudest noise in the kitchen on sunday and I, for one, (for what little that is worth) feel really proud of you. Keep sharing, keep shouting, keep making that noise. And keep writing, if you want to, don't let anyone take away your space.
Love you hun. Hang in there. You know where I am if you need me. Xxxxxxx
I'm sat here in tears, not because this sad or because I pity you but because you are the strongest frigging woman I know, seriously. I'm so bloody proud of you. I know bits about your past and the little I know makes me respect and admire you all the more.
Love you lady x
No words but didn't want to read and leave xxx
I've been reading your blog for ages but don't think I've ever commented before. I couldn't not comment here to say, like the others, I'm listening. I can identify with the noise (I think the constant overwhelming noise in my head is to do with my ADD tendencies) and the voices from the past telling me I will always be crap. That is so hard to rise above, some days.__Well done for not harming yourself, hang on in there and we are reading, listening and caring.
Have you seen a doctor lately? There might be something they can do for you that isn't antidepressants? Or a different one from what you were on before? I hope you can work it all out.
From a practical point of view (I am good at practical vs emotional advice!) there are gadgets you can get for tinnitus, that make a little noise, and listening to that apparently stops you from listening to the noise in your ears. Wouldn't help with all the other buzzing thoughts, but might help a bit?
xxx
Wish I had the magic answer to make the noise go away – I'd take it myself.
I totally get you about the antidepressants muting everything ( I went off mine). Should I have? I don't know, but I didn't feel like me. Of course, life is so scaled back here, I don't have the same pressures to conform as I did in Chicago.
And Mel is right – those requests from EVERYONE can wait. Just tend to yourself, and your sweet boys. Make your own noise, and make it loud enough to drown the rest, and fuck them all if they don't get it, or if they kick up a fuss.. The only one you need to please is yourself.
Don't stop writing, please.
Your words drew me in so much when I read this. I can relate to so much of what you are saying and I don't know entirely what to say but I didn't want to say nothing. I have suffered with depression in the past and I thought I had dealt with it but for the first time since becoming a mum, I was hit with it this week. I also have 'noise' in my head, it tells me that I am an awful person – it makes me feel guilty and like I don't deserve to be happy. Sometimes I feel like I need to escape from my brain as I can't handle the thoughts running through it. Sometimes I hate that my head is so full of horrible thoughts that it stops me enjoying my little girl smiling at me. I am hoping it's just a phase. Don't let anyone make you think that you aren't capable of being a good mum – you are the only mum your little boys know and they will love you no matter what x
I have nothing really helpful to say but just wanted to add my voice to the others and say fuck everyone else and concentrate and what you and your family need…..the rest can find their own photography courses and deal with the pathetic-ness (it soooo is a word!!) that is the ‘mummy blogging’ world these days! Hang in there lovely lady and know that even if it’s shitsville right now, things will get better and this too shall pass xxx
Just spotted this, again I don't know quite what to say but want to send some virtual best wishes. I've got mild bipolar and though I wouldn't ever be presumptuous enough to say something stupid like 'I know how you feel' I do also have what I call my noise sometimes – when I can't go into supermarkets because of physical noise, but also hating people who dare to get in my way, or dare to ask me if I need help finding anything, and I want to scream and throw stuff at them, or the totally innocent noise my beautiful girls make and all I want is to escape, to find silence, to hide in a darkened corner, and then the guilt comes. and the noise of too many things in your diary, and you don't want to go out, you don't want to talk anyone, you just want to be left alone. You just want it all to stop. Although I tried about a decade ago to end it all, these days I no longer want to kill myself but there are often times when I wouldn't mind being dead. I can't tell you any magic answer but just want you to know you're not alone and I hope that you find some peace. Lots of love.
I hope this doesn't sound pithy, but I can see why you like your Silent Sundays.
I for one hope you will not stop blogging because I know it has been one of the best therapeutic tools for me. So I'm sure it is for you too.
Please take care of yourself!
Jennifer. Re: Silent Sunday, you have absolutely hit the nail on the head. Thank you.
*hug* That is all x
I have always admired and been inspired by your honesty. Take good care of yourself, and put you first. I second kirsty, I hope you are getting all the support possible. Blogging/tweeting is therapeutic but there’s another side that I think can be destructive to one’s sense of self, and sanity. And there’s not much open acknowledgement of that. Take good care xx
I don't have any suggestions but I just wanted to say that I love to read your blog. I think you're incredibly strong by sharing your thoughts and feelings in this way – externalising the internal clamour has to be at least an outlet if not a relief from time to time.
And from reading your blog, you are so not a bad mother. You are a wonderful person.
Sending you hugs.
xxxx