On Friday, I went to see Trevor. It’s been a long time coming and, quite frankly, I’m running out of options. I’m tired of being so fucking ill all the time, and even when things are seemingly going well, I’m tired of it bubbling under the surface.
Any way, he only went and stirred up a whole ton of shit and remember that stuff I wrote a while back about “noise“? Well fuck me in the eye, it’s so fucking noisy up in here right now I swear I might actually scream until I explode.
Of course, he stirred shit up in a good way; I appreciate that. There’s a whole ton of stuff from years gone by which needed fixing. I’m trying to fix it. WE’RE fixing it. I can’t do it on my own.
Now, the deadline for JMP Christmas orders was Monday just gone. Admittedly, I’ve been all laid back, thinking no one would really order anything. Or, if people did order stuff, it wouldn’t be much. Maybe 20 prints, tops, all orders totalled up. Instead, I’m powering (hah! Powering. That’s a fucking laugh) through about 500 prints, 3 storybooks and an album. Of course, with the usual lashings of really whiny children who have had colds for a month (A MONTH) and are desperately clingy, and then people assuming I have all the time in the world thinking I do nothing but sit around and chat shit all day, and then my shitty little neglected blog, in which I want to write stuff but everything I want to say just seems a load of bollocks.
I am physically shutting down.
I can feel it.
I can feel my senses going numb, giving in to the pressure of trying to absorb everything at top speed (why can’t they just absorb some of the stuff? Why ALL of the stuff?) and feeling like I’m a lifting crane with one bolt that’s just a fraction too loose.
I promised myself I wasn’t going to lose it this year. I said to myself, goddammit, I cannot, CANNOT cope with having yet another Christmas kick my fucking ass. ENOUGH.
This frigging noise which just will not stop is driving me MENTAL. Trevor gave me an MP3 to listen to in the same way I do with Thinking Slimmer (I’ve already listened once – holy crap I’ve never had someone’s voice put me in a subconscious trance so bloody fast) and that’s already becoming my lifeline to sanity.
Whatever the hell that is.
I don’t know if this feeling is shroud-like. I don’t think it is. Though, at the same time, I could just go find a corner, in an abyss of blackness and curl up, letting it absorb me. I would absorb it. Become nothing. Stop functioning, stop time, stop everything.
I really want to shut down.
So why don’t I? Why can’t I? Am I just going through the usual motions? Same old shit? “Yeah, all moms do that, everyone has been where you are, we’ve all felt it…”
Really? Have you? Really? If the option to cease existing (I don’t mean “die”, I just mean literally STOP) was presented to me on a platter for me to have, I think I would take it. Selfish? Yeah ok. Call me what you like, I really don’t care. It makes no difference to me. Personally, I don’t think it’s selfish to want to use any means possible to stop the endless screaming noise in my head.
What’s the opposite of “euphoria”? Is there an opposite? Only, it’s not excitement and happiness, it’s stone cold deadness; the extreme feeling of having the most highest state of nothingness wash over you. Some kind of blankness that pretty much seeps into your every pore, over every inch of you, and consumes you until all that’s left is a living, breathing, blank faced, staring corpse.
That’s what it feels like, I think. The state my body and mind seems to want to escape to. I feel it, washing over me in waves.
I guess that’s a kind of shutting down. I wonder if that’s how I’ll ever get to shut down. Maybe.
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You know where I am if you want to talk / not talk / sing or take the piss out of me for liking Empire State tat just a little too much. xx
I can only hope that your total honesty has been cathartic in some way. Depression affects us in different ways, and if there's a good point it's that you recognise the signals for you. Wish I could help but instead I feel totally useless. So sorry hun.
Dropping you a note from a different profile, yes, you do know who I am (both of me
) so you can take a look at my first post on this blog.
Tiredness often threatens to overcome me, a stressful tiredness that feels like a weight pressing me down into the floor, it grinds at me and stopping the world is something I long I could do so much it almost makes it worse because I can't.
But good for you for seeking help! I don't and I should and stupidly it's just the cost which is prohibitive… Daft mare.
*hugs* Jay xx
It's obviously doing the rounds. I bloody hope that Trevor's voice helps, 'cause you kind of keep me going.
I am so glad you are seeing Trevor. I am looking forward to seeing the change in you through your blog posts. It is so hard, and it rattles you up, but at least you know now that you are going though this to get to a better place. Everything that Trevor covers is for a purpose to get better. Well done you for taking that brave first step
If I had that button, that "Cease now, please" button I would have died at 13. At 17. At 20. At 21. At 25. At 27. You would think I have learned that a better day will come when I won't want to push that button, that all I have to do is hold on. Yet this year at 37 having relapsed into active bipolar, guess what, I'm looking for the button. A few weeks ago I truly believed that a humane and just society would allow clinics like Dignitas for severely depressed people, so that we might make the logical choice to end our suffering in a caring and supportive environment, so that we would not have to take our own lives in messy and violent ways that disturb our relatives even more. I could not understand why in the 21st century this was not available. Three weeks on, and I am feeling, if not glad, OK with being alive. Yesterday I even had fun and began to enter into the Christmas spirit making decorations. But that's not it, I'm not "fixed". I expect to look for the button again (and, if I'm unlucky, go further into active suicide planning) before this episode is done with me. Thanks for sharing what so many people experience but probably keep quiet about.
I think I'd like a reboot button – certainly needed it yesterday when I felt totally overhelmed by my depression (30 years since first diagnosis, I'm 40 now!) How does Cognitive Hypnotherapy work? I have a few reservations about the lack of control it implies, and the huge cost of his sessions (if I work privately, as a Music Psychotherapist I would charge £30 per hour) I guess if it helps, do it! Music Therapy has a very strong evidence base in mental health so might be worth considering. However, there is no "one size fits all" therapy. I also found Jungian Sandplay therapy immensely helpful. I'm lucky to live near a therapist that worked with the founder of this therapy, Dora Kallf, in Zurich. She trained with Carl Jung himself. Despite this pedigree he only charged me £30 an hour!
Hope things improve for you, or at least become survivable.
Yeah. I know that feeling. I definitely do. And not only this last couple years either. I don't really know how I've got through it though, except that I have. Pills normally I think.
An option to just cease for a while, let it do it's thing and wake up when it's over? God, that would be lovely.
I'm sorry you have it to deal with
You know what I have been going through with PND and how much Sandra and Trevor have helped me. I haven't blogged about it as I haven't felt ready. I saw Sandra when I was in london and she did the timeline therapy to help me. She has done some others. Now I'm listening to the Loving life pods which are helping. I hope they can help you too, I am confident they will. I'm here if you need to talk and I will blog when I am ready to talk about it all to the world, but happy to talk to you anytime. Love and hugs x