Ahhhh stupid fucking messed up head.
There’s been too much crap around here, and for some reason I’ve found myself bottling it all in.
On Sunday, after we’d all spent a lovely day digging and playing in the garden, just as we were putting the boys to bed, we discovered someone (a young lad, late teens possibly early 20s) had hung himself from a tree in the field opposite our house. It wasn’t accidental.
Instead of feeling sorry for him and his family, I felt angry with him. I felt that what he did was pathetic. It turns out he did it because he’d had a fight with his girlfriend, and I was pissed off that this was quite possibly the only reason for doing what he did. I don’t even know the details. I talked about it briefly on twitter, giving no details, but needing to talk to someone about it. I got a DM asking me to stop talking about it. I told them to unfollow me. I can’t bottle stuff up, I’ve done it before and it got me to a Not Very Nice Place.
But anyway, I judged. I judged him for doing it so publicly. I have no idea why.
And then I hated myself for judging him (who the fuck am I to judge someone I don’t even know?) and then hated myself even MORE for judging someone who successfully completed something I’ve tried to do many times over 20 years and failed.
Clearly failed.
I sometimes still wish I hadn’t failed. Maybe that’s why I judged him – I was jealous he had succeeded. Yet, grotesquely, I was frustrated with how he did it. I don’t know why.
I don’t even know what my problem is. Well I do know, but after hoping I was finally sorting my head out, I’m too scared/ashamed/confused to say what it is.
I’m also tired of hating myself. I’m also finding it incredibly difficult to deal with people asking so much of me, but getting nothing in return. I’m exhausted from “friends” coming to me only when they want something, and then hearing nothing from them in between. I’m tired of this feeling of not being able to approach them when I really feel like I need to, and also tired of the fact that when I do finally try to talk to people, they haven’t the faintest clue what I’m trying to say.
Everyone does the head tilt, the nod, the “yeah I totally know what you mean”, when I know they don’t.
I’m tired of harbouring this stuff like a hideous dirty secret, because I scare away those who don’t understand.
I’m tired of failed humour. I often turn to “friends” on social media for distraction. Yet lately, I seem to be a great source of other people’s entertainment. Am I being childish? Probably. It’s that old line “Oh I’m just having a laugh Jay, lighten up”. Yes, I know that. I’m aware of that.
But it wears people down. All the time. All those little things. they build up into one big thing. And it snowballs, real damn fast.
Sometimes I wish I had the power, the voice, the strength to speak up and just say “you know what? I need you to cut that shit out, now.” The irony? I can’t face the further ridicule that comes with. “Oh seriously? Geeze, what is wrong with you? Can you really not take a joke? God I was only kidding…”
I’ve heard it all.
All the time.
For far too long.
Maybe it’s weird that I can make jokes about myself. Maybe that’s how I deal with it? You know what they say, if you can’t laugh at yourself, then what can you laugh at? (Or..something like that…) It seems easier to do it that way, everyone’s happy that way, right? No uncomfortable silences with people wondering what the fuck they can and can’t say to me, right? Everyone else can be totally at ease, right?
Yeah, everyone else.
Masquerading is hard. And I’ve had to start doing it a lot lately, as my photography career (career! Huh. I’m still wondering about that) moves around into different areas, building up new client relationships and potential business partners, still exploring different areas of photography and trying (so desperately) to find my own style.
I love photography a lot, but sometimes I hate the world it sits in. It reminds me far too much of the classical music industry, full of asshats who will do anything to make you feel like the largest turd ever to attempt to play an instrument. People who would pay you a reasonable half decent compliment to your face, then just as quickly turn around and belittle your every move.
Why? Why do this? Aren’t we all in the same boat? Or am I just not cut out for cut throat? Should I just, in fact, go back to the days of temping? With a steady income? Stable hours? Minimal creativity in a world that seems hell bent on destroying me? How many times have I thought about the amount of money I could make if I finally sold all my cellos and all my camera gear?
Surely I’d be a whole lot happier?
Surely I could concentrate, then, on trying to be normal?
Wtf is “normal”, anyway?
I’m hitting a low, and I’ve stupidly sat back and watched it coming for a while. I don’t mean hours, or days, I mean weeks. Quite a few weeks. The noise in my ears and in my head was seriously fucking loud after I went to see Trevor, and for a while, I thought it had suddenly gone quiet. I mean, I was aware of it, but, well it didn’t seem to be there.
What I DIDN’T realise was, in fact, the noise was louder than ever; so loud it had pretty much become everything I could hear. I look back and recall things like sitting in the car at junctions staring blankly, because I was so unaware of everything else going on around me.
The noise.
The one thing that may well actually kill me.
I confess sometimes I still think of suicide, as a means of escape, not a cry for help. I gave up crying for help a long time ago, felt a bit pointless. Escape is, quite often, one of the biggest things I think about. Escaping my own body, escaping my own mind. Leaving it all to be in a world of nothing; of silence and darkness, neither warm nor cold, no senses alive, everything dead. Is it wrong to wish that? Looking back, as a kid, I think it’s why I used to overdose on sleeping tablets and not painkillers. Painkillers were just silly. What’s the point? They’d pump your stomach and ironically, you’d be in pain. I just wanted to switch off completely. Sleeping tablets did that. I remember always taking just enough in the hope that they would put me to sleep long enough to perhaps forget the noise upon waking.
I always woke up, though, and I hated t hat I always woke up.
Some would say I should just get some sleep. Yeah I kinda tried that. Sleep is never long enough. 8 hours is never long enough. I want days. Endless days of darkness.
Am I being selfish? Yeah I guess so. I don’t know. Is it selfish to want to feel normal, to be able to hear things properly for 5 minutes? Is it wrong to want to be able to have 5 minutes of sensory nothingness?
Is it wrong to just want everything and everyone to stop, and give me 5 minutes of nothing?
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Jay, I couldn't read and not comment. I just wanted to say that I'm listening.
xxxxxx
Hmmm….. not sure where to start. And given that I'm not an expert, I'm not sure how much to say either.
First things first, you should ask your doctor for some help – if only for the tinnitus. I have that and it drives me feckin' insane. There are methods, such as CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) that can help you calm the other noises, and manage your emotions to an extent that you feel you can live a more "normal" life. Whatever the approach is, you shouldn't be dealing with this on your own.
Obviously the kid's suicide had a huge impact on you. I wish people would think twice before they do this, as they leave devastation behind. Having known a good person who did this however, I also realise that they are way beyond rational thinking and there's no point in being angry. Your reasons for anger though, are different and part of the reason you need to get some support. (But please remember the lives you'd be devastating if you did succeed in topping yourself. Make that, literally, your reason to keep going)
And for the rest of the voices, the "friends" (out there in the blogosphere) – Fuck 'em. Whoever is making you feel miserable, – walk away from them. That's not how real friends make you feel. There are too many people spending way too much time with social media and it's clouding the way everyone relates to each other. Have a mini break and concentrate on your new career, – you're doing really well. Don't over-think it. Different clients will want different things so you don't want to box yourself in as a certain type of photographer anyway. Just take good photos.
You're an artist. You're allowed to be tormented, but for god's sake a) don't cut your ear off, and b) think about talking to a professional about all this.
xx
Love you jay. I'm an here if you need to vent any time. Seriously. Really. I know everyone says that. Whatever. I mean it. I admire you so much. Your honesty is part of it. Sorry you're having some yukky stuff. Xo.
Okay darling we need that coffee and soon. If it's too hard for you to get to me (believe me I know the inertia that this bloody thing causes and oh, do I know that feeling of wanting to sleep forever and ever and it not be enough) I'll come to you. Fucking depression.
Love you. Lots of people do, you know, even though that's hard to get your head round right now. They do. Sending all my love and a gentle cuddle.
I can't pretend to know how you feel… but this left me feeling numb and helpless that I don't have the answer. The only thing I have to offer is love and support – one way, me to you nothing in return. Take care you x
It's not wrong to want that. I think more people do than admit it – me included. Thinking of you. x
I can hear you. I don't know what it's like to be you but I can relate to the feelings you have expressed.
I also know that nothing anyone can say will change how you feel – because it's your world and only you understand it fully.
What I do know is that Trevor can continue to help. So go and see him again. It was the best thing I ever did – and even on my darkest days now, I don't even consider killing myself. For 38 years it was a daily thought. I am happy and having fun. You can be too. Go and see Trevor again
I have no idea what to say, but I understand how difficult sharing these feelings is. Sending love.
I hope that by writing some of it down here you feel that someone has heard you. I haven't experienced what you have, so I can only try to look at it through your eyes, through what you write here (which, despite what you say, is very eloquent and insightful). I can't pretend to 'know' you but I do know that you have many, many friends online that care for you. I hope you find a way to see Trevor again soon, as The Moiderer suggests. Sorry I don't have anything useful to add, hope you find a way to get the noise to shush soon.
I don't have any wisdom, everyone has been far more eloquent. But know that you are loved and we're listening to you xx
Just wanted to say, I have read and wanted to know that I am one of the many people who genuinely love you and hate to see you suffering with depression this way. Mel xx
Oh, honey. My heart is breaking right now. First of all, Toni is right – if there are Twitter "friends" that don't get you, ditch them. It's not like you are gonna run into them at the market or on the school run. Go back to Trevor. Do anything that will help. Keep writing. Keep tweeting. I've gone silent online because I'm not coping well with life now, but I'm finding out that it is more harm than good, staying away, because it lets me focus on anything else but the shit in my head.
DO whatever you need to take care of yourself. There's lots of love out here for you. Jenn xx
I think you're a fabulous women and fuck anyone who makes you feel shit. i hope the cloud can lift for you, you're photography is awesome and you have a fab career. wish i could help but i offer you hugs, an ear to listen and some smutt when you feel like it. all my love Amy xxxx
I hear you. Five minutes, it seems, is too much to ask for, but it shouldn't be. Massive hugs.
Did you ever read a post and go: "right……………………………………………………………………but…………………………………………………..hmm." because there is so much to say and no words at all that would adequately express your reaction?
I cannot agree more with Toni, Dawn and all the others who tell you to keep going to Trevor: *you* are of paramount importance, whether you realise it or not.
There is so much in your post that I can relate to. The friends thing (do they really say "Geeze"?), the exhausting feeling that comes with spending all day masquerading as a different version of yourself, the desire just to sleep on and on, the never considering suicide as a cry-for-help.
I wonder whether struggle is proportional to talent: the more talent, the more darkness, noise and struggle. Toni says you shouldn't cut your ear off: I agree. Neither should you stop writing, ranting. You say what so many people can't.
I don't pretend to know you but I admire you for having a voice that stands out because you tell it like it is. I look at you and I think "if she can make it, I can too."
Firstly, I just want to send you huge love. No strings, I don’t want anything back. I’m just sending it cos you need it.
Secondly, I think you should accept your ill. When you’re ill you just do what you have to. So no extra bits with other people’s crap. Just what you need to do for you and your family and nothing else. If people properly care they’ll understand. If they don’t what have you lost?
Thirdly, you need to talk to someone and you probably know what you need. I think bottling it up is a lot about trying to say everything is OK and things aren’t that bad. I do that a lot. I also know that when I feel so exhausted that 48 hours straight sleep would not help that things are not right in my life.
You are who you are. You can try to do the right things by people but you are still you.
I really hope you can start to feel better. Xxx