I have performed on stage, to thousands of people, on my cello. From solos to full symphony orchestras, all around the world.
I have given speeches and presentations to all manner of Important People, in the various jobs I worked to put myself through school/college/university.
I pole-danced and lap-danced for 2 years, holding my head high whilst raking in the (hard earned) cash.
I have tried hard to help people where ever possible, in areas where I know my stuff reasonably well, to help them grow and blossom.
I have put almost my entire life from the last 4 years, here in this blog, hiding only things which other people have asked me not to mention.
I have kept secrets for people, knowing for sure I would never let them slip, knowing how it would feel for myself.
I have done so much.
So. Much.
And yet, here I sit after doing what I thought was a fucking fantastic photo shoot, a styled shoot no less, something I’ve been wanting to do for so very long, and feeling like shit.
I have looked at my work, and gone, in a matter of a few hours, from “OMFG LOOK AT THIS ONE! IT’S AWESOME!” down that bastard slippery slope of self doubt and self criticism, through to “Er…are you really going to put that on facebook? Really?”
It’s the weirdest, most masochistic form of self harm I have ever done.
I wouldn’t mind if I was doing it intentionally.
Instead, as I work through the images, trying really hard to fist bump myself with the feel-good factor, the fist-bumping turns into self stabbing, self harm, something which destroys a teeeeeeeny bit of me, every time. They say what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. I wonder, what about the things we think are making us stronger, but are in fact killing us?
I often think that, much as I adore my job, much as I love the chance to be so creative, I truly don’t think I’m designed or built to manage it. I don’t think I have the right structure to cope with all that comes with it. I still tell myself “Don’t be intimidated. Be INSPIRED.” Unfortunately, I haven’t figured out what to do when it’s all over and, the intimidation is lurking, the inspiration is waning and the self doubt is doing something far more obscene than just kicking my ass.
Weirdly, I wish I could take criticism. I know not everyone likes my work, of course they don’t. the world would be really fucking shit if we all liked the same thing. But how do you deal with this ridiculous impossible need to please everyone? How can I be so confident in all the things mentioned above, but not have the strength, courage and conviction to say “that’s fine if you don’t like it. Screw you, cos I like it”?
Do I like it?
Yes. I do. I did. I think I did. I think I do. I want to.
I want to remember that I did. I want to remember that I …do. And yet, as I go through the images of today’s photo shoot, I find myself wanting to bin them all because I genuinely think they’re all shit. The mighty wave of “I AM FULL OF AWESOME” is now but a tiny puddle of “Well…meh. Loser.”
I don’t want sympathy. I don’t want it. I just want to make this stop. I want to feel like I did something awesome, and genuinely feel and mean it. I don’t want to be an “average” photographer. I want to be an “AWESOME” photographer. But I want to get there without coming across like an arrogant cunt (which I do see a lot of, if I’m honest).
“Don’t be intimidated, be INSPIRED.”
And when it’s all over, and the dust has settled,
“Be inspired by CONFIDENCE.”
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You *are* an awesome photographer, even when you are feeling like this you still are it's just that you can't see it. Maybe try stepping away and coming back to the editing and things when you're feeling a bit better?