Living the dream. Or the TV advert, according to John Lewis.

I’m pretty sure most of you will have seen the new John Lewis Christmas tv ad, which aired this weekend. This is not a sponsored post. Geeeeeeze, stop with your bloody cynicism.

D and I saw this advert and well, we both blubbed a little. Now, it should be stressed that I do not cry at such things. Although, the last thing I cried at was when we finally got to the end of watching Prison Break recently, and we found out what happens to Burrows and Schofield. Damn. Those two guys are hawt.

Anyway, I don’t do crying at stuff, it’s just not me. Am I unemotional? Far from it. I have my moments. But I’m also aware of real life, and how most tv is utter bollocks. Including adverts. (Prison Break, however, is entirely real, so shut your mouth.) It took me a second to figure out why D and I were both pretending why we had something in our eyes, both of us being so down to Earth and all, and then D said it.

“That’s exactly what Noah would do.”

Jesus, the man done hit the nail on the proverbial head.

I was gobsmacked by the amount of cynicism with which the advert was met on twitter. I totally get those who weren’t moved by it (see previous paragraphs) but then there were tweets that actually made me quite sad. Including:

only cos it’s fairytale parenthood. Life ain’t perfect girlie, is it?

and also (upon saying I wanted to blog about it):

[...] I feel MURDEROUS when I watch it [...] can’t be doing with the schmaltzy stuff – how did he get to town, buy, sneak home, wrap, etc

So. Why so sad at something so seemingly staged (it’s a filmed advert, after all)? It’s obvious. If you live with Noah.

It’s the sort of thing he would do. It’s the sort of thing he’s already tried to do.

Last year, Noah wanted to make a cake for his dad’s birthday. Only, he realised that Daddy’s birthday was around the corner and he was going to have to exercise his resources. So he made one out of Stickle Bricks of his own accord, and presented it to his Daddy later on. “Surprise, Daddy! I made you a cake.”

When his Uncle and new Aunty got married back in September, he saw that they had been given presents on the day. On his arrival back at home, he asked me if he could make them something to give as a gift; he created one hell of a work of art (unknown to them, or anyone else but myself since he had to ask for the bits and pieces) and asked me to give it to the couple when I saw them next. When asked “why don’t you do it, Noah?” came the reply “because I’ll be at school, Mommy, and I can’t get to their house on my own. You will see them won’t you Mommy?”

In the car whilst rushing around from place to place sorting out life in general, we stopped and got both boys a McD’s Happy Meal each. Emptied the nuggets and fries into the box and passed one to Noah. He took one nugget and passed the box to Isaac; his assumption was to share the food with everyone. He looked mildly confused when we told him that box was just for him.

I hate to sound like that barfy dreamed-drugged parent whom every body hates, but the sort of stuff in that John Lewis advert does happen in our house. Fairytale parenthood? Maybe. Fairytale for some, not us. Schmaltzy? To some. Not to us. Actually, it’s quite normal for us in this house. Resourceful little boy? Yep. If Noah wants to do something, much like his stubborn mother, once he’s put his mind to it, he’ll do it. He’ll figure a way. It’s only because he hasn’t fully realised the extent to which he could go, I suspect, why he hasn’t yet gone all out.

D and I cried suddenly had itchy eyes because to us, the advert was real. We’ve seen it for real. I’m not going to sit here and judge in a holier than thou fashion, and say that other parents should have children who behave like this. On the contrary; there are kids who are gorgeous and thoughtful and stunningly delightful in just about every way I could think of, and more. But. I love this advert for making me realise how beautiful Noah’s actions actually are. Seeing it on tv like that, not necessarily enhanced, just condensed, gave D and I a very real snapshot of what we live with.

Cheesy? Possibly. Fairytale? Maybe.

All very real to us though.

I LOVE MEN.

“Geeze, men are so bloody useless, aren’t they? Can’t look after kids, can’t lok after a house, rubbish with chores, claim they’re dying when they’re ill…blah blah blah…”

Oscar. Mike. Golf.

If you don’t like men, go find a planet where you can procreate without them and stop bloody whining.

I recently had a PR email talking about “Man flu” and how pathetic men are for it. Picking up Isaac from school recently, they asked how come he’d changed so much in the last few weeks. When I told them I had been away and his dad had been looking after them both, they immediately started on about how useless men are and husbands can’t do squat and OMFG SHUT UP. I get so sick of hearing wives, mothers, girlfriends, women in general, whoever, constantly taking a pop at men. Personally? I LOVE men. Like, actually love them. My life would be considerably dull without them.

I suppose in this instance though, I’m referring to a selection of men whom I know personally.

My husband, for one. The Mr, or known in this house as “D”.

He’s awesome. If anyone ever dares to bitch about him, they have me to answer to. End of. The only person allowed to bitch about him is me. And that’s the law. No, his mother is not allowed to bitch about him. The end.

I could list a string of faults, but in case many had forgotten, like (most) other men, HE IS A HUMAN BEING. I suspect he might be turning into a woman though, because the other day he sent me to Sainsbury’s to buy us wine and a box of Thorntons chocolates, just so we could sit and devour them in front of the TV. No special occasion, but jus’ cos’. (We didn’t finish them, but we had a bloody good go, that’s for sure.)

But we can over look that! Especially because he cooks. And not just meals out of a jar, no. He’ll do a full Sunday roast. Voluntarily. And he does practically ALL the laundry, and will do the dishes without me asking. Sometimes he even cleans the bathroom. INCLUDING THE TOILET.

Ok, yeah, so he often spends more time in the bathroom than me, but that’s partly my fault (when we met, his “beauty” regime was a bar of Imperial Leather and a skanky old bottle of Head and Shoulders. That may have expanded to a much finer range of bathroom toiletries. Dammit.) yet I don’t regret it. At least he’s CLEAN.

And you know what else? HE HAS A PENIS. No offence, friends of Dildo Bob, but that’s better than the majority of alternatives. I laugh at women bitching about their husbands because I want to say “fine! Ditch him then. And lets see how long it takes you before you decide that plastic cock under your bed just ain’t cutting it. Literally.” Still there, eh? Yeah I thought so. Along with that penis? Big cuddly arms, with hands on the ends for groping stuff. Quite frankly? It’s always nicer when someone else is doing the groping. Especially when they know what they’re doing.

Truth is, we (women) often grab a chance to take a swipe at the “stupidity of men”. And if I’m honest, yes there are some blokes out there that make me want to pray to the Baby Jesus for the survival of the human race. But you know what? There’s a fair few women out there who make me want to slit my wrists, while singing nursery rhymes to Lucifer himself, and hoping he might make me an ice lolly of some sort. You want to jump on the train of women going around verbally bashing men? Fine! Feel free. There really are some utterly epic bastards out there.

But I won’t be joining you in shouting derogatory statements about men in general. No, I’ll be busy listening to the men in my life saying nice things and watching them being all gorgeous and stuff. Whilst I avoid cleaning the toilet.

Hah.

My new toy. And not a dildo in sight.

I still haven’t entirely got my head around going to Jamaica to see my Gramps in a few weeks.

Sorry, did I say “a few weeks”?

I meant “OMG 12 DAYS WTF I AM NOT READY GAHHHHHHHHHHH”.

So yeah, totally prepared.

I’m still immensely piss that the boys and D aren’t going. I hate that they’re not going, hate it. Weirdly I suspect I’ll feel rather lonely, despite the fact that the majority of my immediate family will be there. I’m taking as much technology as I can (more technology than clothes, I suspect) in the hope that I can Skype the boys and introduce them to their Great Grandfather. Much as I’ll be “sunning myself in Jamaica”, I suspect I’ll be wishing I was with my own family.

Needless to say, I’ll be taking my camera(s). I plan on photographing the crap out of everything. As we’ll be on the beach, it kind of makes sense to make sure I have appropriate equipment, right? So after much consideration, indecisiveness and deliberation, I decided to buy this.

Panasonic Lumx DMC FT3 Underwater Camera-1 © Jay Mountford Photography

It does this.

Panasonic Lumx DMC FT3 Underwater Camera-4 © Jay Mountford Photography

And has this.

Panasonic Lumx DMC FT3 Underwater Camera-7 © Jay Mountford Photography

I try not to go too much into camera porn, but I’d agonised over this for ages. I’ve been saving my pennies for this trip to Jamaica, and I plan on making the most of it so that I can show the boys when I come home. Isaac won’t have a clue, but I know Noah will ask a lot of questions.

In fact, I suspect Noah will have a shit load of questions; added to that, he’s just discovered David Attenborough’s Hidden Planet and is loving underwater stuff at the mo. Added to that, Isaac naturally has a love of Finding Nemo, so obviously I can incorporate an underwater theme of some sort into their lives.

I’ll be taking a zillion photos. For me, it will be nothing like the real thing. But hopefully for them, it’ll be the absolute best thing I can provide them.

Times are a-changing. It’s running out, too.

We appear to have hit a crucial pinnacle in the MBM household. A number of significant events have had myself and D questioning everything.

Isaac repeatedly exercises the word no. And he says it so vehemently, you kind of wonder if he’s actually getting a wee bit of pleasure out of it. And more often than not, he sits down with a book, and describe what he sees on the pages. In detail. Counting the different things, describing colours and sounds in numerous short sentences.

In a conversation with Noah, D and myself, Noah was asked a question. To which he replied by frowning, shaking his head slightly and saying “probably…” and then went on to explain his answer. In ridiculous detail. Unprompted. He’s 3 years old.

Are we getting old? Yes. Notice I didn’t say “older”, because dude? I am not already old thank you very much, and neither is D who is currently 40. I’m only 32. Yes, only. And yet we find ourselves, looking at our boys running up and down the landing ready for bath-time, screaming and laughing hysterically with each other. And the conversation happens again.

D: We’re losing our babies.

Me: I know.

Me: If I was pregnant right now, I would be terrified. We can’t afford it. I don’t know where we’d put it.

D: Ok well, if we won the lottery would you have another one?

Me *quick as a flash*: Yes.

At least we know where we stand then.

How I would like to do all half term holidays from now on.

They fill you with dread, right? School holidays. 2 Little People running around whom you have to feed and entertain, and (apparently) in a responsible fashion. I took extra measures to survive. I’m pretty fucking proud of my methods.

Monday – I went full-on hands-on mom. They painted, played tunnels, cars, tents, went for a walk – we were on FIRE. However, this is NOT the time to start potty training. That’s just stupid.

Because he will poop in his nappy as soon as you put it on. Of course.

Took them to Wagamama for lunch. Yes, on a Bank Holiday. AND WE SURVIVED. We parked in a car park which was empty, while everyone else queued to get into one that was full. I am yet to understand this. We sauntered straight in, served immediately, started eating.

About 20 minutes in, there was a queue of around 50 people waiting to be seated. I sat there smugly while we casually ate our food.

Then came the crucial part to surviving the week – CRUCIAL – I met up with my sister-in-law and we consumed 2 bottles of wine each. I remember strolling home at 3:30am with Lotso Huggin’ Bear (a much loved and appreciated gift from her) clasped firmly in my crispy aromatic duck-scented fingers. I awoke Tuesday morning to find Lotso firmly rammed under my chin and the desire to drink a bath full of water.

Tuesday – Hmmm…Tuesday is vague to me. I was still drunk. Though I do remember sleeping on the sofa while the in-laws made their weekly visit to see the boys. I didn’t drink any wine that day. But I’m pretty sure I was still drunk that evening. Either way, the boys were awesome with each other.

Wednesday – Still a little hazy, but again, I was helped with the weekly visit from my mom. Go play in the garden (thank you sunshine). She wrestled with them, they wore themselves out, wolfed down the EASIEST prawn and pea risotto. They spent the afternoon watching what I thought was going to be my “Emergency Entertainment Source” – the Tangled DVD, which I’d got on standby. I let them watch it anyway. The credits weren’t even finished and they demanded to watch it again. Who am I to argue? It’s a bloody good film, dammit.

Accompanied, of course, with a picnic tea on the lounge floor when their dad got home.

Thursday – Well Isaac goes to nursery so it’s just me and Noah. Which means…. LEGO.

And not the pieces the size of a house, no. The cool stuff that makes you scream every fucking obscenity under the sun if you step on one with bare feet. And it’s TOY STORY Lego. I want to go and get more of it. For Noah. Obvs. Noah and I also met up with The Mr for lunch – a STEAK pub. A pub which serves almost nothing but STEAKS. Big slabs of MEAT. Served with MEAT. And chips. And MEAT. My kinda place really.

And then clearly half term realised I was actually having a brilliant week, because now the painters are in and holy crap do I have the cramps. But that’s ok because:

Friday – I no longer give a shit because I’ve buggered off to Devon to “Rock The Frock“. See ya on Sunday, innit?

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