Facial Frigging Orifice Fluid

October 6, 2011 By 5 Comments

You know how, at the start of every single school term, everyone becomes ill? Like, EVERYONE? Kids, parents, aunties, uncles, cats, dogs, fish, dildos – EVERYONE.

No one is safe.

Well obviously we’re ill again in this house of crap – Facial Orifice Fluid is RIFE.

Actually that’s not strictly true; it’s mostly me. I’m walking round the house with a shiny nose and a wad of soggy tissues in my pocket. You know when you’ve rubbed your nose so sore, it starts to feel like you’ve been blowing your nose with sandpaper? Well I’ve started rubbing some cream on it (my nose, not the tissues or sandpaper) in the hope that I can keep it soothed. Unfortunately, it means all around my nose is permanently shiny, thus looking like I smeared FOF all over my face. Nice.

Lemsick and Barfhams obviously suck – that shit has never worked. So I’ve been making shit loads of lemon and honey with large slugs of brandy, because it’s far healthier and much more, er, homeopathic.

In the meantime, if I breathe through my mouth in your general direction, take it as a compliment that I love you enough to share my FOF with you. After all, the boys passed this on to me, so I must obviously pass it on to someone else. Sharing is caring and all that shit.

*sniff*

Filed Under: Facial Orifice Fluid (FOF), Fucked-Up-Ness, illness

Cold and flu hints and tips. The ones people neglect to mention.

January 24, 2011 By 15 Comments

Since Thursday, I’ve been dealing with the flu. I woke up Thursday morning feeling slightly tired but otherwise fine, and by Thursday lunchtime, I could barely keep my eyes open and lifting an arm was a well thought out operation (which pretty much didn’t happen). Colds and bugs don’t normally phase me too much, but this has had me out cold (and hot) for hours at a time. I’ve seen tons of people struck by it over Christmas and whilst I looked on in sympathy, I somehow thought I was immune to it.

What? I dunno…everyone has a super power…right?

Anyway, there were a few things that people were forgetting to mention in being able to deal with the flu. So just for you, I have listed them here.

You are welcome.

  1. Tena Lady. I don’t care if you’re a bloke. Trust me, you’ll thank me. Unless you like doing laundry whenever you sneeze.
  2. Learn to clench. You’ll need to with all that coughing. Plus it’ll give you the best set of abs anyone could ever want for. Gym? PAH! Who needs it, right?
  3. Carry around some lube of some sort. Nope, there’s no way you’re having sex in this state, but your nose will thank you immensely after rubbing it drier than a nun.
  4. Lip balm. See all that attractive breathing-through-your-mouth which you’re having to do? You can guarantee by the time the flu is over, your lips will have shed 17 layers of crap.
  5. Don’t look in the mirror. It won’t be pretty. No matter how much you prepare yourself. Fact.
  6. If you’re going to lie on your back? Lie on a bed of tissues. Because when you roll over, that Facial Orifice Fluid is gonna come gushing like you couldn’t even imagine.
  7. Crisps and chocolate are perfectly acceptable flu remedies.
  8. Prepare to be hot. And then cold. And then hot but with freezing feet. And then cold but your hands are roasting. And then hot and disgustingly sweaty which will obviously make you cold. Wash, rinse, repeat. You get the picture.
  9. What’s that? You can hear the kids screaming downstairs while your other half is trying to deal with them? There’s yelling and crying? Sounds like someone’s been hurt? DO NOT GET OUT OF YOUR SICK BED.
  10. Invest. Take out shares in Kleenex, Olbas Oil, Vicks, Lemsick, Barfhams and all that other stuff that quite frankly? Doesn’t work. You’ll get through enough  of it for you to retire next week.
  11. All food will taste like crap. Therefore you will have the pleasure of losing anything up to 8lbs in weight. Which you will put back on in less than a day once you’re better.
  12. Be prepared to see the stars. No, not the ones in the sky, the ones you’ll see in your head from the excruciating  headache you’ll have, powered by the regular sneezing/coughing/nose blowing/breathing/general movement.

And in case you were wondering, no, there is no prize for sneezing 9 times in a row. Apart from a new pile of laundry. Unfortunately.

Filed Under: Facial Orifice Fluid (FOF), illness

The School of Mommy Guilt

November 30, 2010 By 9 Comments

We all have it. Well, most of us do. Moms, mostly. I couldn’t speak for the men..

We have Facial Orifice Fluid here at Mocha Towers, again, and this time it’s Noah and I who are suffering. Sunday sucked. D was out at work all day, and I had to get the shopping done. I was convinced both Smalls were going to be vile. I braced myself round the entire store, coughing and snivelling, trying not to piss myself with every bout of the sneezes (I’m going to have the tightest ass EVER for all the clenching I’m doing) while Isaac repeatedly threw his burpee on the floor.

Note to Isaac. Dude? That shit gets real old. REAL fast.

Noah on the other hand? Was golden. He was polite to anyone who spoke to him, an absolute saint, pointing at things and counting them, telling me what they were. I felt bad for thinking he was going to be vile, I actually thought maybe he’s not as poorly as I thought. D asked me that night if Noah was going to school the next day; I figured he seemed to be perking up, so, sure! Why not? Bit of Calpol and he’ll be fine.

Fast forward to 1:30 on Monday afternoon and I get a phone call from school, asking me if I can pick him up. “He’s had a sleep,” she said, (“Omg” I thought, “he NEVER sleeps at school, he stopped naps nearly a year ago…“) “and his breathing is very laboured. He can’t nap properly though because he keeps choking. Can you collect him? It’s not a good idea that he stays here for after-school club.”

Shit. I was convinced he was fine. And not only that, but when she asked me to collect him, I felt bad that my first thought was that I wasn’t ready to drag myself snivelling self off the sofa and venture out into the cold. Way to go, caring mom. Having said that, I got to his school class and he came tearing out of the room to meet me with the biggest grin on his face. A face covered with FOF, no less, but hey.

He’s been home all day today and to be quite honest, he looks really crap. But at the same time, he’s still had enough energy to bounce around the room. Where do you draw the line? He’s been coughing all day, his nose is still streaming, but he’s had tons of energy. My guess is he won’t go to school tomorrow. But how do you judge? Where do you draw the line? Do you have a set list of points to determine when to send them to school?

I’m really rubbish, or perhaps a bit too hardcore; I’m from the school of “If you can run around, you can go to school”. But clearly I spectacularly ballsed up on that.

Of course, if it means I get cuddles like this then who am I to complain?

Filed Under: assvice, Facial Orifice Fluid (FOF), Isaac, Noah, parenting, School

Dear So and So…Frustrated Edition

November 5, 2010 By 12 Comments

Dear Facial Orifice Fluid and Phlegmy Hacking Cough

Seriously? 2 weeks now? Piss ye the fuck off.

Yours, PhlegmWad

<^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^>

Dear Patience

Where have you gone?!? I miss you! I mean, I know we never got on so well, but that doesn’t mean I never loved you. I’d love to have you back again in my life one day. Don’t be a stranger, ok? Come back. And hurry up about it.

Yours, Impatiently

<^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^>

Dear Isaac

I love you. You’re my lovely little boy! You’re so cute! Look at you with your big puppy eyes and stuff. Ahwww!! You know what isn’t cute? SCREAMING AND DEMANDING TO GO WATCH TV/PLAY WITH TOYS WHEN YOU NEED TO EAT YOUR FOOD. Mainly because as the day goes on, you become the grouchiest person EVER. You are a typical bloke; you think with your stomach. I know you haven’t figured that out yet. Which is why I am trying to help you. Seriously, Mama knows best. For real.

Yours, Mom Who Knows More Than You

<^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^>

Dear Noah

STOP. RUDDY. WHINING.

Love you. You’re a cute kid of mine too. I promise that was not added as an afterthought. Maybe.

Yours, Mom Who Is Sick Of Your Whining

<^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^>

Dear School Run Traffic

Hey here’s a thought, if we all drive like normal people instead of mutards, we might all get to where we want to go without wanting to ram each other off the road! Wow! Can you imagine that?!? What a wonderful world that would be, eh??!?

Ahh to live the dream.

Yours, Woman Driver Who Does Not Drive Like A “Woman Driver” Otherwise She Would Die

<^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^>

Dear Reader

If you made it this far, awesome! Head on over to Kat’s place and go read her love letters. Or something. And don’t forget to link up, mmkay?

Filed Under: Dear So and So, Facial Orifice Fluid (FOF), Isaac, Noah, parenting

Savvy Half Term – Tips and Ideas

October 26, 2010 By 2 Comments

Half term is upon us and I admit, given this is the first school holiday I’ll be doing since Noah started school, I was a little apprehensive about it. Like, I have to entertain TWO little people, ALL day and not lose my marbles? Uhhhhhhhhhh ok.

I was all geared up and ready for it, right up until photographing a wedding on Friday night left me with the start of a cold on Saturday morning. No worries! I’ll shrug it off! Easy! Honey, lemon, vitamin C, a lot of rum (obviously), cold and flu tabs and the like, I am GOOD to GO.

Yeah, it’s Tuesday morning and Noah spent last night hacking and coughing, Isaac spent the evening wailing and fussing, while I spent the night (and this morning) drowning in Facial Orifice Fluid, trying to talk with pretty much no voice and feeling my lips get drier and drier while I continually breathe through my mouth. Mmmmmmmmmm, attractive. We managed to make it out to visit some lovely friends yesterday, but we sure aren’t going anywhere today – I suspect it’s DVD and Duvet Day today. With biscuits. And crisps. And rum.*

Anyway, on twitter a few weeks back, hosted the Savvy Half Term twitter party. Basically, you had to be on twitter at the right time, and tweet your tips, ideas and suggestions for half term. There were some awesome ones, which you can find by clicking the links just above. These are the ones I came up with, feel free to suggest some more!! I reckon they might be useful for other school holidays too.

  • Kids go to bed at a reasonable hour? Get YOUR mates round and enjoy YOUR SELF.
  • DON’T OVERSTIMULATE THEM. Nowt wrong in a bit of quiet time
  • Have a think back to any toys you may have stashed away for a “rainy day”…
  • Like @tara_cain’s underwater party, have a theme day in the house, get the kids to create.
  • Got an old compact camera or even older film camera? Go on, let em have a play
  • Dig out all those kids CDs and give them a disco. Close the curtains and flash torches/mobile phones?
  • Eat bacon. Always a winner.
  • Absolutely desperate? Have an iPhone/iPad? Start downloading some free kids apps. http://tinyurl.com/a4jotq
  • Know anyone with an allotment? Go digging and wear them out.
  • Do a toy/book swap with other kids – whether it’s for the day or long term
  • Seeing the cinema tweets – make the use of “Orange Wednesdays” if you’re with them – 2 for 1 tickets
  • PREPARE. Freeze meals leading up to half term so you’re spending less time in the kitchen if they’re demanding
  • If you can spare the pennies, Severn Valley do a great trip from Kidderminster to Bewdley, plus you go past the Safari park!
  • You still need to prepare meals, right? Get them running around helping you prepare stuff. Good for fussy eaters
  • YES. Grab your friends while you can, and MEET UP. At a house. With cake.
  • Couple of chairs and some double bed sheets makes for an EXCELLENT den
  • If you rotate toys from the loft, now might be a good time – they’ll think Christmas came early ;)
  • Don’t forget YOU – grab the grandparents or a relative or friend to give YOU an evening off with a break.
  • Wary about messy play? If they’re painting then do it in the kitchen or on the bathroom floor. Much easier to clean…
  • Bubbles don’t need to be saved for the summer – take them to a park on a windy day and watch the kids chase them :D
  • Get booking playdates SHARPISH. Nothing worse than wanting to go out and finding all your mates are busy already.

Now go! Have fun! I need to, er, go buy some more boxes of tissues.

*I’m not saying who the rum is for.

Filed Under: Facial Orifice Fluid (FOF), illness, parenting
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