I LOVE PAIN. Apparently.

July 18, 2011 By 15 Comments

When I was pregnant with Noah, I had SPD and sciatica from about 12-ish weeks, and was on crutches by 14 weeks (right through to the end of the pregnancy). I had migraines so bad I couldn’t see and took great pleasure trying to drive at work without actually being able to see where I was going. With Isaac, well. I knew I was pregnant before I had even taken a test, since the SPD and sciatica kicked in at around 4-5 weeks. That was fun.

I knew things would subside after they wer born; there was no way this shit was going to last forever. I’d been fit as a fiddle beforehand; hell, I still have  medals and awards from my athletics competitions at school. Carrying those bastard cellos around for 26 years made sure I was fit and healthy, for sure.

So Isaac was born, and during the I’m pretty sure he obliterated all the nerves a nerve or two in my right hip. His head hadn’t engaged, so when those waters went, he slammed into my pelvis at full force (11lbs of baby inside a person is just not fun, no matter what anyone says). Instant cramp down my entire leg while pushing him out (the cramp hurt WAY more than his 2ft long body emerging from my crotch) and a slight numbness in my toes.

It’s over 2 years later, and right now, I am sitting typing this with the most excruciating pain down my right leg, and once again my toes are tingling and slightly numb. The pain is similar to the sciatica, but not how I remember it was on my left hand side. What I do know, is that it hurts like fuck.

Was it worth it? Of COURSE it was bloody worth it. I’ve got two of the most gorgeous kids ever to walk the Earth.

But the pain..oh god the pain. D and I talk about having a third. All these maternity and newborn photo shoots I’m doing at the mo are making me broody as hell. We always wanted three. But pregnancy screws my entire body over something chronic, I don’t know if I could handle it. I actually LOVED having a maternity bump, and that weird “Earth Mom” empowered thing you get after delivery was pretty awesome, both times.

And I sit here and think, how bad can it be? I can handle it. It’d TOTALLY be worth it, and it’d be over in about a year.

A year is a long time to be in pain, especially when done voluntarily. And let’s not even load PPD into the equation. Noooo let’s just not go there.

As I move around the house in the last few weeks, I honestly have to be careful not to scream in pain whenever I move wrong. Whether this fucked-up nerve on my right is now sciatica, I don’t know. The pregnancy sciatica was on my left hand side, damage from Isaac was on my right. But I do know that it hurts like a bitch, and my toes are currently numb or tingling 24/7.

Bah. Maybe the decision is already made for me.

Filed Under: assvice, Fucked-Up-Ness, Labour, maternity, Mutha-Hood, nursery, pregnancy, SPD, Ultimate Stresssss

Boy Meets World

February 28, 2011 By 11 Comments

Something is going to happen soon, and people have no idea how much I’ve been looking forward to it.

Isaac has been for 2 nursery induction sessions recently. This morning his session was all morning, right up until nap time. Noah had already gone to school with D, so I bundled Isaac in the car after his breakfast, and took him in. One thing that was in my favour is that he’s seen the nursery and the staff plenty of times before because he’s with me when I’m dealing with Noah. So he was totally familiar with it.

So familiar in fact, that he was happy to run off ahead without so much as a look back.

When I went to collect him he was spark out on one of the mats in the corner, thumb in his mouth, no sign of his burpee. They woke him up, and he immediately started chatting to his carer, then to me when he saw me. No tears, all morning. In fact, they complimented me on his manners and how well behaved he was playing with the other children.

Now, I don’t know if I’m being selfish, or if I’m allowed this moment of glory, but I cannot WAIT for him to start. It’s pretty much been me and The Smalls intensively since day one, and considering the independence I had pre-babies, giving up that immense amount of freedom was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. And I’ve spent the time with them preparing them for a world of independence. They know I am always there for them, and heaven knows I get kisses and cuddles by the bucket load, every single day I am around them. I’ve spent my time working my ass off trying to ensure that my boys will do well, that they will succeed, but that they can always come back to me if their world falls apart.

Isaac Induction

Like most mothers, much of my life has been them.

Isaac starts nursery this Thursday, for 2 full days a week. 2 whole days of complete freedom and a chance to find myself again. The time to tinker and fine-tune my career and realign my path into photography. The time not be a mom; to have the closest thing to that “mom holiday” that I’ve craved for so very long. Many mums do this for longer than me. I am not many moms. I am me. And it’s important to remember that.

I am SO excited for my boy Isaac to take his first major step into his new surroundings. His next rung on the ladder. His launch into the world. Worried? Me? Nah.

I have every faith in me and him.

Filed Under: Isaac, nursery, parenting, School

A little light relief

December 12, 2007 By Leave a Comment

Week: 36+6 days
Month: 9
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 35 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: Ummm…
Size: Long
Time to go: 22 days
Full Term: 1 day
Days til xmas: 13 days (heh)

Complete! COMPLETE!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!! COOOOOOOMPLEEEEEEEEEEEETE!

And finally…

And while we’re on the subject of finally frigging finished;

New and (drastically) improved:

Fabulous. So so very fabulous.

And also:

This was a LOT of fun, but now I just need to decide how to paint it…we’re thinking of hanging it on one of the walls in the nursery (as a pleasant reminder…) so I guess I’ll go for the same neutral colours. I also need to clean the bathroom. Again.

I’m still intrigued by the regularity of these BH, they’re there pretty much one on top of the other a lot of the time now. They still don’t hurt, and the only real pain is my ass-bone which I think Mocha is using as a crude pillow, and the odd backache and lower abdomen ache. None of which is anything to write home about. Whatever. As long as nothing happens before tomorrow then I don’t care.

Having a fabulous time with indigestion these days – I particularly love the whole thing about ‘following through’ on a belch, coughing on that teeny bit of barf in my mouth, then hoping and praying to DEAR GOD that I wouldn’t actually spew. And especially when you’re already sat on the loo having a wee and wondering whether you could cleanly projectile vomit as far as the sink.

Because that’s just hassle I can do without. Thankfully I discovered sleeping bent at a 45 degree angle in bed, along with the worlds largest pillow seems to help immensely, despite not appearing to be very comfortable. Seriously? When sleep escapes you? You take any damn position you can get.

D and I went to see The Nutcracker at the Hippodrome last night – OMG it was awesome. Scenery, dancing, costumes – it was all amazing!! I think Mocha enjoyed it too, and was particularly fidgety during Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy…damn that foot attacking my right hand side (future ballet dancer?). I have to say it made a nice treat for me, knowing that it was going to be a while until I’d get to do something like that again. Certainly not before Mocha’s born anyway. Gotta say, LA is a legend for organizing those tickets as a prize at the CEE ball. BRILLIANT!!

The Carpal Tunnel thing is a little scary now. I can’t bend my fingers at all in the mornings, and my hands are pretty much useless throughout the whole day. Then it’ll get to about 9, maybe 10 o clock PM when I can start to move them. Then I fall asleep. And we’re back to square one! I’ve ordered some wrist splints to try out over night in the hope that they’re not so crap in the mornings, because it’s getting quite frustrating asking D to open bottles and jars for me all the time. And needless to say, typing is becoming interesting. Apparently my feet are a little swollen too, but I haven’t seem them in a while so couldn’t comment.

I don’t need to say much about the next pic, apart from many thanks to Darren and Anthony at Your Big Day Photography

Filed Under: bathroom, Belly cast, carpel tunnel, decorating, nursery, pictures, sleep

Have we met?

November 23, 2007 By Leave a Comment

Due Date: 01/03/2008

Week: 34+1 days
Month: 8
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 32 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: 138 bpm
Size: 33 cm
Time to Go: 41 days
Hahaha!
So I remembered about blogging. Cos it’s been…roughly…
Umpteen billion years. There’s good reason though!
No, wait, there isn’t. I got tired. I got bored. I got lazy. I got faaarrrrrrr too depressed…
So let me see if I remember how this works. I write stuff, aaaaannnd…that’s pretty much it. So now I need to catch up on the last umpteen months. Well christ I don’t know if I can do that…I can gloss over stuff though! Let’s see.
DPA – they finally suspended me after me trying to work at R as a classroom assistant. It nearly killed me and I ended up going for emergency physio. Yeh that was fun.
Sciatica – not so bad at the minute, but I also have SPD to go with it. Ahhh it’s so much fun! Kinda like being kicked in the crotch with steel-toe hub-capped boots. Repeatedly. It’s a laugh a minute!
The House: Phase 1 (Bathroom) - Oh my god we’ve had no bathroom for the last month. MONTH. The lovely G&M next door gave me their spare key so I could use their loo. I may have died a hideous death otherwise. But it’s starting to look great now. It’s just a shame that Mr Builder likes to show up when he thinks it’s appropriate (like this morning when the sink and shower could be fitted and there’s NO FREAKING SIGN of him). Mr Tiler has done a fab job though, I’m quite pleased. Just sink, shower, grout and floor to go in then it’s complete. Pretty straightforward, huh?
Hmm…
The House: Phase 2 (Nursery) – it’s lovely. I love it. Only, I can barely get in there because at the moment all Mocha’s stuff is stacked in the crib until I feel happy enough to sort it out. Or, eg, until the frigging bathoom is done and I feel safe in my own goddamn home again (I do NOT like having the fucking toilet and sink stored in the bedroom, thank you very much Mr Builder. That’s a sure-fire way of turning me into crazy psycho preggo woman.)
The House: Phase 3 (Home Birth) – yes you read correctly. Whether it will happen is a different matter as everyone seems to be against it (well, anyone in the medical profession. “SPD!” “First time mum!” “We’re too scared!!”. DH is actually really keen on the idea. The birth unit at BWH is horrible. Hospital is a hospital no matter how much you dress it up. The idea of giving birth at home is one of the best ideas we’ve had this pregnancy. I hope to god it happens. And of course, I’ll kick ass on the way if someone says no.
Me – I’m ok. I have Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, Sciatica, Symphisis Pubis Dysfunction and my nose bleeds weekly when I throw up. I live on banana milk and salt. But you know what? I’m good. Actually, I’m great. And why?
Mocha – Oh my god I love this child so much and it’s not even born yet. I haven’t even seen it. Well, we kind of have, at a 4d scan:
Ohhhhhh my god how cute is this child?
I am totally NOT biased. At all. Seriously.
Filed Under: 4d scan, baby, decorating, maternity, Mommy blog, nursery, pictures, pregnancy, random, ultrascan, work

Much Ado About Nothing

July 16, 2007 By Leave a Comment

Due Date: 01/03/2008
Week: 15+4 days
Month: 4
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 14 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: 142 bpm
Fetal Size: 10.8 – 11.6 cm
Time to Go: 170 days

Nooooo!!!! It was all good!! And then it went crap. And then it was good again! And now I just don’t know. Things are going well, but I’m struggling to shake the crap. Yep, not as bad as I was, thoroughly grateful blah blah blah…

Only you know what? The opinionated people can just go away (and I would just like to add at this point I just changed position to type better, my bladder is full and Mocha is trying to kick seven kinds of crap out of me. Only it just tickles. For now. I’m probably squashing her and stunting her growth her something.) because I know what I think, I know what I believe and I’m tired of hearing stuff that I really don’t care for.

‘Well don’t ask then!’ shout all the sensible people of the world.

I didn’t think I did…and I know people mean well, but I just never seem to agree on what they have to say. Instead, it usually just grates against me. *tsk* Some people have useful stuff though…it’s just so few and far between. I’m wondering what they’ll say on FF.

On a happier note (because I am THAT determined…and this is one of those blogs about a load of crap) DH is taking the day off tomorrow so we can go shopping/do some more on the nursery/fix the garden/anything to take my mind off crap. I think I’m starting to look forward to Tunisia, maybe it’ll work nicely as a diversionary tactic. It’ll also make the Summer go by just that lil bit quicker!

We also spent loads of time on the nursery on Saturday. The moving around a whole lot kept the old leg active. Doing a weeks worth of rehearsals, however, left me crippled so THAT was, um, confusing. But anyway, the nursery is now empty (apart from the baby stuff…which I really wanna play with…and the laundry. And the snakes. And the rancid carpet and 70 year old wallpaper. But we got time. Let me change that to nearly empty.) and there’s not much else to do until we strip walls floor and ceiling, and furniture to arrive. Which I think should be October. Or November. Or a million years away because that’s what it feels like.

Oh, and the router. And double bass hidden behind the laundry.

And the random crap on the wall. And on the windowsill.

DH bought a new lawnmower, I bought some passionflower plants. We’re so domesticated…hehehe. But I can’t complain! Right? Because, you know, it’s doing stuff, and you know, takes my mind off The Situation (which is getting MUCH better I think) even though it’s STILL ongoing, and anyway, you know, things are um. Not so bad.

(Then why, pray tell, am I not convinced?)

(and who in the world says pray tell?)

Actually I just remembered I had a fabulous breakthrough with one of my LRSM cello pieces; Bloch Nigun, 2nd page with the evil double stopping. Still can’t play it, but worked out what fingers I should actually be using, rather than trying to contort my hand and stuff. Well, not contort my hand as much as I was. Anyway.

So that means I’m over halfway…I think I need to get off my ass and research whether I do Rachmaninov or Schumann. I will not give up dammit! I’m due another qualification. Just one that I would like, rather than one someone else thinks I would like. Hah!

I need meat now. You know what’s good? Corn beef, egg mayo and Branston Pickle sandwiches. Oh my god yum.

Filed Under: baby, Depression, Mommy blog, nursery, pictures, pregnancy, random, work