I LOVE PAIN. Apparently.

July 18, 2011 By 15 Comments

When I was pregnant with Noah, I had SPD and sciatica from about 12-ish weeks, and was on crutches by 14 weeks (right through to the end of the pregnancy). I had migraines so bad I couldn’t see and took great pleasure trying to drive at work without actually being able to see where I was going. With Isaac, well. I knew I was pregnant before I had even taken a test, since the SPD and sciatica kicked in at around 4-5 weeks. That was fun.

I knew things would subside after they wer born; there was no way this shit was going to last forever. I’d been fit as a fiddle beforehand; hell, I still have  medals and awards from my athletics competitions at school. Carrying those bastard cellos around for 26 years made sure I was fit and healthy, for sure.

So Isaac was born, and during the I’m pretty sure he obliterated all the nerves a nerve or two in my right hip. His head hadn’t engaged, so when those waters went, he slammed into my pelvis at full force (11lbs of baby inside a person is just not fun, no matter what anyone says). Instant cramp down my entire leg while pushing him out (the cramp hurt WAY more than his 2ft long body emerging from my crotch) and a slight numbness in my toes.

It’s over 2 years later, and right now, I am sitting typing this with the most excruciating pain down my right leg, and once again my toes are tingling and slightly numb. The pain is similar to the sciatica, but not how I remember it was on my left hand side. What I do know, is that it hurts like fuck.

Was it worth it? Of COURSE it was bloody worth it. I’ve got two of the most gorgeous kids ever to walk the Earth.

But the pain..oh god the pain. D and I talk about having a third. All these maternity and newborn photo shoots I’m doing at the mo are making me broody as hell. We always wanted three. But pregnancy screws my entire body over something chronic, I don’t know if I could handle it. I actually LOVED having a maternity bump, and that weird “Earth Mom” empowered thing you get after delivery was pretty awesome, both times.

And I sit here and think, how bad can it be? I can handle it. It’d TOTALLY be worth it, and it’d be over in about a year.

A year is a long time to be in pain, especially when done voluntarily. And let’s not even load PPD into the equation. Noooo let’s just not go there.

As I move around the house in the last few weeks, I honestly have to be careful not to scream in pain whenever I move wrong. Whether this fucked-up nerve on my right is now sciatica, I don’t know. The pregnancy sciatica was on my left hand side, damage from Isaac was on my right. But I do know that it hurts like a bitch, and my toes are currently numb or tingling 24/7.

Bah. Maybe the decision is already made for me.

Filed Under: assvice, Fucked-Up-Ness, Labour, maternity, Mutha-Hood, nursery, pregnancy, SPD, Ultimate Stresssss

The Gallery – Body Parts. That could be my arse’s fault.

January 12, 2011 By 87 Comments

My dear Tara Cain. You do like to set yourself up, don’t you, you sticky fingered lady?

Choose a body part, and post it on your blog.

BWAH HAH HAH HAH HAH.

Given that my boobs, arse, feet, face – in fact, MOST of me (bacon covered or not) – have been on twitter and/or on this blog, I could post just about ANYTHING.

But I would prefer posting a picture of a body part I liked. And well, that just doesn’t happen much these days. So I’m going to post a body part I USED to love, at two stages in my life, and a body part which, well, I still like but I’m working hard on maintaining a happy relationship.

I confess I’ve always loved my butt. I’m black, and my butt is not small. But personally, I don’t like flat or saggy butts. A butt needs definition. As D likes to say, you should be able to run your hand up the back of a girl’s leg and it should come to a definite STOP where her butt STARTS. I have to agree. And apparently, my butt does that.

THIS MAKES ME HAPPY.

There is reassurance that as an average build Afro-Caribbean lady, my arse is OK. * Especially after I gave birth and my NCT “friends” said “Jesus Jay, your arse is HUGE!” “Yeah it was just massive in your first pregnancy and now it’s massive again!” “JESUS JAY, HUGE ARSE!” **

The other thing I liked about myself, twice, was my pregnancy bump. It was a frigging HUGE bump. It housed two frigging HUGE babies (separately, not at the same time I might add) and, well, it clearly masked my frigging HUGE arse. *** But somehow, it was such a beautiful bump. No stretch marks, smooth skin (although a wee bit itchy – I used Bio Oil on it religiously in order to stop me scratching the baby out), it amazingly firm and ridiculously compact. I have no idea how. Maybe someone wanted me to enjoy at least one thing about being pregnant. Lord knows everything else sucked, I deserved this much.

And so, my photo this week is the above. My arse and my belly. I didn’t want to post them in parts because quite frankly, I don’t have a decent picture of my arse other than the pervy one, and other pictures of my bump look like they’re in 3D and will have your eye out. (Clickit to Biggit)

I’m hoping Ms Cain approves, as I know she has a strong dislike of feet (ick) and I’m not sure if she’s bored of looking at my arse yet. At least there’s other stuff to distract. You know, like, the window. Or the wardrobe.

* I think getting away with a big arse could be a black thing. I’m not sure yet, and obviously don’t want to offend all my beautiful non-dark-skinned friends. So let’s just give me this one thing and say that it is. Ok? Thanks.

** I wish to god I was exaggerating and that they were joking. Sadly, I’m not. I haven’t spoken to them in a long while.

*** Bitter. Check.

Filed Under: actual happy times, assvice, HOTNESS, Mutha-Hood, photos, pregnancy, pregnant, The Gallery

I’m Not Done. WTF, I’m Not Done??

October 14, 2010 By 18 Comments

I can’t get pregnant. Well I can get pregnant, but I’m pretty sure it would kill me.

But I hate that I am getting more and more broody. There’s a reason I’ve told D not to get the snip. I don’t feel he should have to. There’s a reason I don’t want a hysterectomy or my tubes tied – I don’t feel I should have to.

But secretly, I think it’s because I want one more. I don’t want that door permanently closed – those sorts of actions just make it all too final; it takes away the option that I want to hang on to. The right I have, to choose if I want another child.

What doesn’t make sense to me, is the fact that both my pregnancies were absolutely fucking hideous. Stuck on crutches for the most part (nearly 30 weeks for one pregnancy, and that was because I point blank refused the wheel chair), pelvic pain which left me screaming in agony worse than the childbirth itself, two ginormous babies (seriously, approx 11lbs each? I wasn’t overweight pre-preg, I’m a size 10 – 12, and not a diabetic, AND I ate mostly healthily. Le fuck?), carpel tunnel, vomit inducing migraines and a whole host of post pregnancy problems. My body is messed up, I hate the way it looks right now (22lbs of baby in less than 2 years does not do wonders for stomach muscles) and it’s taken a year and a half on the road to recovery, physically, and I’m still not there. And let’s just not even go down the mental recovery path just now.

So what the hell? What gives? Why in the name of bacon do I want to do it again? I have two boys who are awesome and yet are amazing at driving me batshit, I am NOT longing for a girl (seriously – I’m sick of the whole “but don’t you want to have a girl to complete the collection?” question. My kids are not pokemon). We are in NO financial position AT ALL to afford another one, and if we had it in this house, it would have to live in the garage on top of the chest freezer.

Before D and I had kids, we talked about having three. 2 would be fine, no more than 3. I was fine with that, and so was he. Then we had Noah, and were all “holy fuck, we’re not having 3″, but didn’t want to stick at one. And so, laughingly, Isaac was born 16 months later.

KILL ME DEAD.

Another hideous pregnancy ending in scans every two weeks, consultant appointments every week, induction, more mastitis, thrush so bad I barfed repeatedly through the pain (with Isaac attached to boob – nice. Classy, one might say) and a child who is currently in his cot bed and supposed to be napping but is instead KICKING THE SHIT OUT OF IT STOP THE GODDAMNED NOISE PLEASE.*

No pun intended (so this is obviously intended) but one of the biggest things is that I went from looking like this:

to this:

Allow me to just swing that around for you. Get a better view, and all.

Ya wanna know what’s fricken HILARIOUS? I’m 35 weeks in that second pic.*** I STILL HAD FIVE FRIGGING WEEKS TO GO. I hadn’t seen my feet from about 15 weeks previously. D had to put my shoes on for me. And whenever I sat down I had to spread my legs to make room to wedge in the belly. Why the hell do I want to do that again?

Sure we were insanely jammy to have babies who would sleep from 9:30 pm til around 7 am (6 weeks with Noah, 2 weeks with Isaac, sometimes I’d wake them up for a feed) so we didn’t have the whole sleep deprivation thing to deal with. Neither did we have the “OMFG THE BABY WILL NOT STOP CRYING” thing to deal with. In fact, I think we took the piss in general.

The way I see it, it’s like there’s nothing in my favour. Physically it will mess me up more. Mentally, I’m probably so unstable I genuinely question whether I’d make it through a pregnancy. With the whole child benefit crap uproar and me not having a steady stream of work yet, we couldn’t afford it. I’m thinking it would be a bit unfair if 2 kiddos got to go to private school and one got sent some place else.

But you know what? If we did get the house space, and we did get a better income, I’d be all over having another one.

It won’t happen; D says he’s done. And I respect that. Wholeheartedly, end-of.

But I gotta be honest, I’m having to work my ass off to shake this broody shadow that’s currently creeping over me.

*By the way, Isaac finally went to sleep before I finished this post. Parenting’s pretty easy really, innit?**

** Pfffft.

*** There are no pics of me past 36 weeks because my arm got tired trying to extend the camera far out enough to get a decent pic. Correct, I couldn’t fit my belly in the frame.

Filed Under: D, Isaac, neurosis, Noah, parenting, pregnancy, wtf

Ahhhh yehhhhhhhh

February 20, 2008 By Leave a Comment

Congratulations to Amalah who is expecting her second in October :o D

Filed Under: baby, pregnancy

Yes I’m still pregnant, thanks for reminding me

January 4, 2008 By Leave a Comment

Week: 40+1 day
Month: 10
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 38 weeks
Fetal Heartbeat: Yup
Size: I guess 72 inches
Time to go: uh, yesterday
Full Term: Ages ago

I have no child. Externally.

I also have no poop. Externally.

However, I do have indigestion. And constipation.

And yesterday was a riot. MW#2 had previously booked me an appointment to come see me yesterday morning. She didn’t turn up, and eventually yesterday evening another MW called to say that it was actually her day off. And did I go into clinic? Because if I did then sorry about that because there was no one there.

W…TF?

So we’re thinking maybe private MW with Baby #2 (should I ever get Baby #1 out first).

And since I can do tmi without giving a hoot, I’ve spent the last three days trying to poop. Having had 3 glasses of prune juice, half a bag of prunes, 3 glasses of apple juice, handfuls of (dry) All-Bran and a bowl of scrambled egg and beans.

I’m actually quite impressed with myself, I could possibly be holding a world record here for the longest time to go without pooping.

I’m also impressed with the number of people who STILL keep harassing me. At the moment I think I’ve decided to stop responding to texts etc, because people? Just leave me the fuck alone and stop asking stupid questions. And stop asking seemingly nice questions as a round-about way to get to ask your stupid questions.

I think maybe if I was, like, 608 weeks pregnant then I could understand people asking if I’ve “dropped yet”. (Hah hah! You’re so funny! Have I “dropped” yet!! Oh hah hah! Stupid whores.) But people? I ONLY JUST GOT TO 40 WEEKS. And in case you didn’t know, FIRST BABIES OFTEN GO TO 42 WEEKS, YOU BUNCH OF STUPID WHORES. Go learn something.

I wonder if I should go walk round Sainsburys…it’s been a week…

Filed Under: 40 weeks, assvice, constipation, Midwife, Overdue, pregnancy, pregnant
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