The Post In which I Bitterly Admit Defeat But Try to Hold My Head Up.

April 3, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 37+3 days
Month: 9
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 36 weeks
Time to Go: 19 days
Size: Smaller than your mother.

You all knew it was coming. You all said “at the end of the day, blah blah blah, healthy mom healthy baby, yaddah yaddah”. You all sat there thinking how nuts I must be trying to deliver another big baby at home. I’ll even bet some of you wondered what point I was trying to make, or what was I trying to prove.

Maybe I’m just very paranoid (which is very true).

But as of today, I have given up. Scan yesterday, showed baby measuring about 9lbs in weight, with potential to gain a pound a week, but could go 20% either way. Fluid levels down from 11 point something to 9.4cm, so they’re dropping and things starting to look good.

So whaddup?

They’re all too scared. They actually threw a million scare stories at me during today’s appointment. Mr Consultant actually said if I decided to stay at home, then he would pretty much not be involved in the delivery, and would not advocate me staying at home. Yes a MW would be in attendance if I called in, they would have to be, they have no choice (by law). But “if something were to go wrong, I would take full responsibility and no body else could be to blame”.

“But of course, Mrs M, the decision at the end of the day is yours!”

I had no point to prove. I had no point to make. I just wanted to deliver my baby in an environment that I knew I would be happy in, that I would be comfortable with. Without fear of what would the medical profession would try to do if they got too close.

I am SO fully aware of all the dangers. I am also fully aware of the dangers that could happen with ANY. OTHER. BIRTH. He even said himself that shoulder dystocia can happen in a birth with a “normal” size baby. But once again, they’re just pointing out as many of the factors as possible, including the fact that my fluid levels are still too high. So what would be REALLY great is if people can just be in agreement with what the hell is normal and what isn’t. I can’t cope being told one week that 11cm is acceptable and shouldn’t be concerned until we got to 24cm. And then the following week, well actually 9.4cm is still too high, and even though the level has dropped, that’s still not good enough.

So you know what? They win. This is a fight I can’t keep up anymore. I’m frustrated, I’m tired. If I go into labour I’ll go in to hospital. I don’t want to, but after all they’ve freaked me out with, how the hell am I supposed to happily and comfortably give birth at home?? Christ, today when I went for my appointment, ALL the staff knew who I was and why I was there. Now I’m thinking that can’t always be a good thing.

So I give up. I’m gutted. Actually, I’m more pissed off than I am upset. Pissed off because I didn’t want it to be this way. I didn’t want this birth to be so tainted. Maybe I should have just given up the fight earlier, but how can I do that when I’m told so many different things every time I walk in there?

They want to do another liqor scan at 39wks, do an internal and if nothing’s happening, they want to induce. Pah. I think they may have to catch me first. I can only thank god that he refuses to do C/S, and has no intention of inducing unless absolutely necessary. I can’t even begin to say how grateful I am for that. But that comes on the back of no home birth, and I can’t even have a water birth in hospital because of the fluid crap thing. I’m starting to feel like everything is being taken away (“the decision is yours Mrs M…”) and that quite simply, I’m just not going to enjoy this birth at all. I know I can’t have everything. But even the few things I wanted have now gone.

I’m really fucked off. Like, they can’t even give me straight answers, they can’t prove anything, they don’t know anything for sure and they’ve made me feel like crap in the process.

So that’s that. I pretty much hope I go into labour before 39 weeks because I cannot, just CAN NOT face induction. And yes I KNOW that people have been induced and it’s gone great. Good for you. But that’s not what I want. I also understand that babies need to cook for as long as necessary. I can assure you I know that too. Remember my own mother is a Midwife. So is D’s mother. But understand that I do not want medical intervention.

I don’t like the way this has turned out. But I know at this point now, there’s not a fat lot I can do. That’s fair enough. I understand I need to go in. I understand I pretty much have no choice. My hands feel like they’ve been tied somehow…but you know what? I’ll deliver this baby, and I don’t care what anyone says, it’s going to have to take one SERIOUS frigging situation before they have to intervene. There will be no C/S. There will be no medical intervention.

Any intervention will be my own doing. And it’ll probably be in the form of large quantities of pineapples and fair amount of power walking. Possibly with the odd curry thrown in. Now if you’ll excuse me, these Braxton Hicks are driving me batshit and I have a Poopgate appointment with the bathroom.

Filed Under: assvice, Braxton Hicks, Doctor, home birth, hospital, Mocha II, Polyhydramnios, Poopgate, Ultimate Stresssss, ultrascan

Answers

March 27, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 36+3 days
Month: 9
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 35 weeks
Time to Go: 25 days. Heh.
Size: Big enough to make regular people crap themselves.
Time til ANOTHER Growth Scan: 6 days

Ok, so I understand there are a few questions and situations that remain unanswered. And so, here are the results.

House viewings: Not interested at this stage. I didn’t understand when the feedback was that the property was just too small. Which begs the question, why, having read the details on the web/brochure, did you come and view it, and also go round commenting on how huge the rooms were? Or…maybe you’re a member of the Dumbass League? Awesome.

Noah: He doesn’t have an ear infection (even though he’s constantly rubbing his ears and wincing), and therefore one of the few explanations for his fantastic behaviour lately is indeed puberty. Or the fact that he somehow knows something is really up in this house (like the colossal fact that he’s about to have a brother or sister).

And on that note, we’ve decided it’s a boy. Not because of any scans. Not because of gut feeling. Not even because we straight out asked the Doc to tell us. Nope, it’s because tonight, in the bath, Noah took it upon himself to say “brother”. Always on cue, whenever prompted. Do you think he would say “sister”? Helllll nope. Wouldn’t even make a sound. But every time, “brother” came out, crystal clear. Hell, I can’t even get the kid to say mama or dada, and the closest we get to any word at the mo is “oof oof” (which of course, is a dog barking. Plenty in terms of sign language though, so we’re sill happy).

TV Fantasies: I do have a thing for Nigel Barker and Gordon Ramsay. I have no idea why.*

SPD: Crutches suck. They do not work. I still waddle around most places, though I seem to have had a little respite lately. The fun comes when I roll over in bed and there’s an almighty “cracking” sound that comes from my crotch. Somewhat surreal, I think. Usually followed by me falling to the floor and wondering if I’ll make it to the bathroom without making a mess. SO cool.
T.O.O.: (cos I know you’re all eagerly awaiting the news, on the edge of your seats, right? Right? Thought so.) Well you know all that stress and crap and god knows what else that I went through last week? Yeah…it would appear we needn’t have worried. Yes! Actual! Good! News! T.O.O. is currently cephalic, and had been that way for a good 24 hours (including when AMW palpated yesterday and by the way did I mention she’s awesome?), fluid levels and the whole polyhydramnios thing is actually FINE and we are NOT in a danger zone, and whilst they still think it’s big (of course), there are no major concerns, and some of the MWs don’t think it’s even as big as Noah. As of this moment, right now, I am actually physically exhausted with sheer relief. 
So what does this mean? Well I have one more appt with a consultant next Friday (which was OUR choice, they actually said we didn’t have to if we didn’t want to) and a final growth scan on Thursday, though the Consultant has said he won’t be overly bothered by the results unless they show something drastic. Sooooo…
DEFINITELY no C/S as long as it stays cephalic. No induction unless I get to 54 weeks or I go batshit, whichever happens first (feel free to place a bet). And once I’ve met with the Consultant on Friday, we may, note, MAY be able to discuss the possibility of trying again for a home birth.
I’m too scared to even consider the very idea at the moment, things seem to be going frighteningly well.
* I realise this was never actually a raised issue, but sometimes it’s good to get things off your chest…right? **
** I also quite like Alan Shore in Boston Legal, but I can’t confess to too much in one go, it’ll just blow your minds.
Filed Under: actual happy times, baby scan, home birth, House move, Midwife, Mocha II, Noah, Ultimate Stresssss, ultrascan

A Turn of Events

March 20, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 35+3 days
Month: 9
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 34 weeks
Time to Go: 32 days, though at this rate, who the hell knows?
Size: King/Queen
Time til NEXT Growth Scan: 7 days

Soooo….after all of that, it seems I’ve got other things to worry about. Thank you so much to all those who replied, and especially those who gave me a cyber kick up the arse. On reflection, yes I know it’s hormones, and I’m stupidly tired and ha ha! Of course Noah doesn’t hate me! (Not yet, anyway, give it about 14 years maybe) And this blog tends to receive the brunt of my whining (ya’ll some very strong/supportive/intriguing people to carry on reading…that means a whole lot). But there are just some days, which we all have, when I just feel completely incompetent. And whilst it sucks, I think I just need to find some way to embrace that.

Unfortunately, what I really need to embrace right now is the fact that Pushing the Button is pretty much officially out the window. Today’s scan (for all its inaccuracies) showed that T.O.O. is measuring, um, “ahead” a  little bit. Like, kinda measuring around the 43+3w mark.
I’ll just give you a second to scroll back up and remind yourself how far along I actually am.
…
Yeah, not looking good, huh? The weight can go 15% either way of their measurements. Unfortunately, the measurements were so off the frigging chart, they couldn’t actually give me a guess on the weight. Awesome.
So whilst you’re thinking, “yeah well, she delivered one adult, why can’t she do it again? Why’s she given up so easily?”
Well there’s more. Remember that whole polyhydramnios thing? And the whole “excess fluid but don’t worry, it looks ok at this stage”? Yeah that’s gone to shit too. The fluid has increased, which means that if I go into labour and T.O.O. isn’t engaged, I risk things like a cord prolapse, or a hand or foot presenting first (which really, really does not appeal). Needless to say, a cord prolapse is life threatening for T.O.O. and I always said that if there was ANYTHING that would endanger the lives of myself or the baby, then I wouldn’t do it at home. Of course, there’s the potential for me to still put up some kind of fight at this point, even though it would minimal.
But no.
I officially gave up when they said that it’s also breech. Just. Frigging. Awesome.
Now of course I know FULL WELL that even at 35w with a second baby, it could turn a million more times before I hit due date. Fully aware. In fact, as I type this now, I’m actually typing leaning over the table, resting on my knees and elbows (if you can picture that). And as I’m typing, I’m being pummeled in the crotch as it tries to somehow propel itself up and round.
The things we do eh?
I’ve had a bad feeling all along about Pushing the Button, and something said to me that the outcome just wouldn’t be good at all. Which is a real shame. We went along to the scan just excited to see T.O.O. again. And I came out in tears, feeling thoroughly pissed off at the outcome. The consultant we saw was great, very clear and understanding. But there was no arguing. With all of the above, the three together, just cause too great a risk.
So where do we go from here?
We have another scan next friday to measure fluid and try to get another “guess” on the size. I also have a scan the following week after that to check position. They mentioned that if it is still breech, they would normally try to turn the baby (ECV – External Cephalic Version), giving me a better chance of having a vaginal birth (in hospital). Of course, that would be the case if the fluid levels were normal. So if the levels are high, then no turning and it’s an automatic C-Section for me. At this stage, who knows? It could be anything from let’s wait and see, through early induction, to planned C-Section.
Hmm.
I have nothing against people who have had C-Sections. I know some people wouldn’t have it any other way. Me? Not so keen. My previous experience with hospitals has sufficiently put paid to that. So C-Sections…yeah, I think that’s a different post.
Filed Under: baby scan, home birth, hospital, Mocha II, Polyhydramnios, ultrascan

Oh, and -

October 7, 2008 By Leave a Comment

Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 12+0 days
Month: 3
Trimester: 2
Fetus Age: 10 weeks
Heartbeat: 157 bpm
Time To Go: 194 days (A short eternity)

Scan last week showed everything to be hunky-dory, with The Other One bouncing around insanely on the screen, moreso than Noah did. Nope, nope, I’m not scared. Another child livelier than Noah? Nope, not possible.

Jesus, kid isn’t even born yet and I already don’t have time for it. Or maybe I’m that freaking tired. Or it’s 00:10 at night and I know I should’ve been in bed maybe 3 hours ago.

Happy Second Trimester-ish! (Hehe, there’s another argument to gnaw over.)

Filed Under: Mocha II, ultrascan

Bittersweet.

September 11, 2008 By Leave a Comment

So go ahead. Let the assvice commence. Go ahead and let rip with your comments.

“ANOTHER ONE?? You must be mad.”

“Two under 2? Are you crazy?”

“Spotting loads? Oh it’s probably because you’re so blatantly not ready to have another one.”

“Pregnant again? You’ll never cope with it again.”

Yep, thanks for your support people, I really appreciate it. But you know what? You wanna comment? Go ahead. You want to commiserate? Go for it. You wanna congratulate? Knock yourself out. You got something to say? Say it.

But I ask one thing.

Please do not text me. Do not email me. You have something to say, then say it here. Bitch behind my back all you like. I know people do it, and that’s ok. But don’t treat me like a fool. I don’t want my phone going crazy with assvice. I don’t want my inbox full of apologies/commiserations. I’d prefer it if you left your chosen words here, where I can deal with it in my time. You know? Cos I got a lot on my plate right now, and I’m trying my damndest to be in the right frame of mind to be happy for myself. Instead of wondering whether I should be wallowing in self pity.

This is my baby. Mocha x2. Or Mocha #2. I haven’t decided yet. And you know what? I’m going to enjoy my baby. We PLANNED to have 2. We PLANNED to have them close. In fact, we had PLANNED to start trying 3 months before Christmas.

I’m bitter. I’m so very bitter. I’m infuriated by the people who have made these comments, because I feel that people don’t often think before they speak. It hurt because people doubted me before they gave me a chance. It hurt because I thought I’d have support from people who said they gave a shit. It hurt more when people found out (and there are very few who know, at least before this post) and I said I think I might actually be having a miscarriage…and it hurt so much when the comments were still the same.

I ask myself these questions – would you say the same thing to a mother of twins? Would you say the same things to someone with fertility issues, had been trying for years and finally gotten lucky twice in a row? Would you say the same thing to yourself if it was what you really wanted?

I’ve been spotting from 5 weeks. The scan was at 6 weeks. I’m still spotting, sometimes brown, sometimes pink. Never red. Not yet. Mocha II has a healthy heartbeat, and D and I cried with sweet relief when Mme Sonographer said everything was ok. We had asked her to cover the screen until she could see for sure either way.

When I first found out, I thought my announcement to The Internet would be a lovely one, full of fluffy shit, comparative pics of Noah, excitement, , how I found out and how we laughed and other stuff to make you a little nauseous (Nausea! My new bestest friend).

Truthfully? I almost had no intention of blogging again, because I was so fucked off.

But I feel perhaps I should rise to the challenge of people who are less supportive, and in true Brit fashion (ack), flick the old V sign and carry on regardless. So let’s begin.

Due Date: 04/21/2009
Week: 8+2 days
Month: 2
Trimester: 1
Fetus Age: 6 weeks

Time to Go: 221 days

Personally, if Noah is anything to go by, I can’t wait. Especially when my little 8 month old boy walked across the lounge last week, completely unaided, grinning at me with his 2 teeth.
Filed Under: assvice, baby, baby scan, Mocha II, spotting, ultrascan
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