This post was written anonymously and submitted to Blognonymous for publishing on this blog. Please feel free to leave your help and support should you wish, in comments below. Many thanks.
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My day, like many others in the past, started off with a stupid argument with my husband. We are so different yet in some ways quite the same. Needless to say, we both have a horrible stubborn streak.
And I let my day be ruined as I sank into a rut and once again began wondering how to recapture the emotions and rhythm of how our lives used to be. How our lives used to be back when we used to have time, patience and energy for each other. Back when our lives were more of a “one” than our lives now. Now, where we can go days without any deep conversations other than the day to day chit chat.
And I thought about the argument which revolved around my youngest daughter who was throwing a tantrum. It wasn’t so much her as the fact that each of our parenting views is quite a bit different. As the youngest, she wraps her father around her little finger and he loves it every minute.
And then as I was reflecting upon this morning, the scene played through my mind. The look I got, the words said, the tension in the air. And the reason for my pain today and probably a good amount of my pain in the last few months, became clear to me.
I realized that while I know I am important to quite a bit of people, there is not a single person in this world that I was the MOST important person for.
Not my parents, not my siblings and not even my kids. The kids who aren’t teens prefer their father, the kids who are teens are teens and have a different most important person depending on which way the wind blows.
And I realized that while I know my husband loves me, our kids come first.
And that realization stung and made me cry for the umpteenth time today.
And as I am sitting here and writing this, I wonder whether this was the way it was meant to be for me. Am I meant to be the most important person to myself? Am I meant to fix this? Am I meant to do things different in my life?
And my heart is breaking, and there is a lump in my throat and the tears are streaming down my cheeks. Because being important to a lot of people can’t make up for being the most important person for even just one person.
How am I going to carry on?
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Gosh. I don't know if I have any answers or even any advice for you, but I just wanted you to know that I read your words. Sometimes we have to have painful realisations, epiphanies whatever you want to call them, to know that we want things to change. That they must change.
I think there are a few issues here. For starters, I think you need to get your husband alone and hash out some sort of compromise in your parenting styles. You'll need to be calm, forthright and logical about it. You can say how things make you feel, but try not to go on the attack i.e. "I feel like you don't respect me" not "You were horrible".
If you really can't come to an agreement, I think you'd need to try Relate or similar, and if the disagreement is parenting-centred, maybe refer to some books too as an independant sort of adjuctator? Well it's what I'd do.
You seem to feel disconnected from your family. Imho you could try taking a little time for yourself each week – like a yoga class or swimming or something – and also try to find time for each of them. Not like "We Must Go and See the Museum as Quality Family Time", just going a talking to them, giving them space and time. Taking your little girl out conker-hunting. I think you're much more important to them than you realise.
Finally I think you need to address your expectations of a normal family relationship (considering how high they are, I wonder if you're expecting a little too much from your daughter btw). No-one has daily deep-and-meaningful conversations. You hash out your deep-and-meaningfuls early on in the relationship, then stuff as it comes up. Just because you're a wife and a mother shouldn't make you the centre of anyone's universe. Let's face it, if it were a Sophie's Choice between me and our son, my husband would choose the little guy every time. And vice versa. Doesn't mean our marriage is in trouble. And as he grows up, I don't *want* to be the most important thing to him forever, it's not healthy. *An* important thing, yes.
I hope you find your way through this to a better family life.
I am sure your children love you just as much as they love their dad. Sounds like he can be a bit soft with them and you have to come across as the bad guy at times. Speak to him about this and how you are feeling. Your children need you no matter what you feel. They really do and if you weren't around you would regret seeing the hurt, loss and how much the miss you. I think you should consider speaking to a counsellor about this, it might be some underlying issues. I hope you start to feel happier about things soon because I am sure your children love you very much. xxx
All the children are going to grow up and leave home, hopefully finding their own most important persons. In a few years it's going to be you and your husband who will be most important to each other, just like your parents are to each other. Sometimes life gets in the way with all the stresses and strains, financial and organisational. I urge you to invest more time in your relationship with your husband and work on mutual most-importantness. In the end it will be the two of you, just as it was when you first got married. You were happy together then so you probably can be again. Good luck. xxx
Hun it sounds like you're just depressed. I don't mean "just" depressed as if to brush it aside, but a lot of what you're saying is true for a lot of people. Many parents probaby feel more loving to their children, but remember, with your life this is just your perception. He hasn't come out and said this, and your children would probably die if they knew what you were thinking.
While I think you should tell your huisband how you're feeling, youshould also get help for yourself. Whether this is going to your doctor os seeking therapy, you're probably the only person who can really sort this out.
I'm a guy. I'm 54, and this might as well have been me writing this back in 1999. It had been going on ever since the kids were born, the first one in 1982. The woman I loved and cared for was side lining me in favour of the kids. We talked about but nothing changed and since she was very generous the kids played on it and I become more and more isolated. I didn't feel wanted by my wife, our sex life was practically non existent and when we did it was functional. I had a spell of working away with my job and when I came home on one of the weekends in the mid 90's , my wife said, "You break up my routine when you come home When are you going back." I think by the time 1997 came, I had already made my mind up I was leaving. I left in early 2000, I didn't feel wanted or needed apart from being a pay check for my wife and a taxi for my kids. 12 years on, do I regret not resolving it. Yes I do. My life has gone downhill. I am in debt, had a series of short term unfulfilled relationships and have lost contact with one of my children who refuse to speak to me because I am the evil person who left his Mum. No matter how hard it seems or however unlikely it feels, you have to try to fix it or go down the path I did which has had a huge impact on my life and not in a good way.
My advice, is do not let it get any worse. the other option is no option. Please try to get to a family counsellor with your husband.
Well, you might need therapy until you really "get" this (so get help if you need it) but here's what you need to learn:
You are creating this stress out of your own mind. Trust me, your kids would be permenantly crushed if EITHER of their parents were to die. The fact that your mind has created an Olympic-style winners' circle and somehow awarded you a silver metal is NOT reality. It's just your perception.
Your mind created this problem, it can fix it too.
My post can't help you, I know. But I hope you can find the help you need to eventually understand this.