What’s it like, summoning every single ounce and fibre of your being to concentrate on a task? Like, y’know, walking to the kitchen? Or talking to your kiddo?
What’s it like, listening to an eternal, internal raging battle, inside your head, every single waking second, minute, hour of the day?
What’s it like, screaming at yourself, your own mind, regularly, willing yourself to be quiet? To stop the noise? To shut the fuck up?
What’s it like, crying all the time, without actually crying?
What’s it like, when you want to grab someone, anyone, and desperately scream directly into their face that you want them to help you?
What’s it like, being unable to ask for help because you’re smothered by what’s happening to you?
What’s it like, regularly thinking through the possibilities and ways of removing yourself from everything as best as possible, orthodox or otherwise?
What’s it like, trying to focus on remembering to breathe?
What’s it like, feeling like some kind of weird fraud, hiding beneath a mask of smiles?
What’s it like, wanting someone to share your pain so you can ease up a bit, and deal with the guilt of even thinking about doing that to someone?
What’s it like, when someone asks how can they help you, when you don’t even know how to help the situation yourself?
What’s it like, wanting so desperately for someone to hold you while you melt down, but the idea of anyone coming near you leaves you cold?
What’s it like, pushing people away when you so desperately need them?
What’s it like, when people talk to you and your mouth is saying shit but your mind is pouring out everything they need to hear?
What’s it like, when you hurt, and there is no relief, until your body and mind decides it ready to heal a bit?
I know what it’s like. And if I ever find the words to describe the above, I hope to write them here one day.
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Seriously Jay, I am RIGHT HERE. I will be at your house first thing tomorrow if you want me. PLEASE don't push me away if you have even the smallest hope that I might be able to help a bit. My boys will play with your smalls and you can shout, swear, cry- anything. And I have a lovely bosom you can use for a pillow!
xxx
Jay please call Sandra. PLEASE. Or at least let @Jen help you.
Tell someone, hold someone. Kick something. Thinking of you here in California.
Yep. That's what it's like. Small steps, Jay. I hope you're able to make a couple soon. Take care. xx
I can really relate to u, hope ur ok. Keep writing as if it's only helps a few that is enough xx
I know too. I'm sorry, so sorry, you are hear again. I know nothing written quite helps but I know a companionable comment can sometimes just about be enough to help another minute. Sending love.
I know how you feel and dammit I wish I could give you some tips to magic it away. Please take up the offers of help and friendship and just be with someone who cares. I know it's super hard but people love you xxx